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Confession of a 19lb Gain

Tuesday, April 15, 2014

It's confession time for me...In the last two months i've gained 19 pounds. Am i shocked? no. Am i upset? No. Am i disappointed? Yes.

I can pin point where my increase in weight began...mid February. Before you say, "Oh Valentines Day because she's single." No and Yes. My oldest brother was murdered on Valentine's Day back in 1992. So when you add that on top of COUNTLESS friends getting engaged...then it spells disaster for me. Why? Because I miss family...i miss having my own family...someone to spend my time with...

i have never thought of myself as being depressed but looking back over these past 2 months i would say that i've been depressed. And here's the thing. No one would ever know it. I only act differently in private. I eat more and i eat junk. I cry all the time. I'd rather lay in bed as soon as i come home from work than do anything else. But i still go to all of my activities, races, work and get togethers and no one would ever suspect that something was wrong with me. I've gotten quite good as hiding my emotions. But i stuff my emotions.

Over the last 2 months i've eaten bags of donuts, countless pizza's, burgers, fries and all kinds of chocolate and peanut butter desserts. Every night i'd tell myself that this was it. That i needed to get back on plan. But the next day i just kept eating as if i had no care in the world.

So why am i confessing? Because as great as i am about hiding my emotions, i cannot hide the fact that my clothes are fitting tighter. The number one place i can see the difference is in my face.

248lbs back in February


I told a friend yesterday about my weight gain and he flipped on me. He weighs roughly 350lbs and i've known him since i was 15yrs old. He knows how hard i've worked and all the running and walking that i do. He yelled at me in a loving way because i know better. He went in to how hard i've worked and how i can't let it be for nothing. He went on to say that my gain may have been higher had it not been for all of my fitness. He was right and i needed to hear it.

So i weighed myself yesterday morning and i tracked my food. And i'm doing the same today and i will continue to do so because i need to.

So why am i confessing? Because it helps me to air it out. I know i'm not alone in this struggle.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Never give up the fight! I gained back all the weight I lost and I just can't get myself back in the groove. I make all these plans. I have a lot of "Day 1s". Its so hard to not just be like "you know what, its just easier to be fat! Everyone else is..." but I can't give up on myself.

    You can do it mama!
    1824 days ago
    I am so inspired by how honest and consistent you are Vicky! I've gotten off track myself, and I'm slowly, slowly finding my way again. I totally agree, I see it in my face more than anything else. You can do it! We'll all back you! emoticon
    1825 days ago
    so it is time to brush yourself off lift your head high and move forward! You are worth the effort!
    1832 days ago
    Depression is so hard. It kind of steals all the joy out of the air around us, and sometimes it's hard to not just want to crawl into bed and hide out until something shifts. I struggle so much with this as well.

    I think this was a brave thing to post, and I know it will help others to read about how you broke out of the pattern you were in by asking for help. It makes such a difference to have someone to come alongside you. You did the right thing, in my opinion...

    Keep going and keep asking for help! emoticon
    1832 days ago
    emoticon emoticon emoticon Oh Vicky I wish I was there to give you a hug - since I'm not I'm sending you a virtual hug. While I have never suffered from long term depression, I've certainly experienced short term depression and I've done just what you've done - tried to 'eat' it away. Good for you for coming here - we are here for you! Like Stephanie, I believe your being able to come to us in such complete honesty means you are ready to turn it around. You can do it - you've already proven that. Sending prayers and positive thoughts!! Hugs, Marilyn

    ps - My SparkFriend Cat (Cat125) shared this - I think listening to it might remind you of how much your SparkFriends care and want to offer support:
    1834 days ago
    Counselor, family doctor, please see someone. You are not alone and you are more normal that you may think, but you need help in managing this.

    1834 days ago
  • MAZZIE973
    I really get what you're saying about depression. And, yes, you sound as though you're experiencing it. I've dealt with depression since college, with good periods and bad. The last year or two I've been really down. Everything you said above: eating like crazy, especially high fat/calorie foods, spending too much time on the couch, having no energy. But, like you, I put on that brave face for the outside world.

    I've been seeing a really great therapist. She helps. I do need to get back on anti-depression and anxiety meds, but am procrastinating. One thing that has helped is exercise. I'd never have believed it, but it does help perk me up a bit energy-wise, and makes me feel a little tinge of pride.

    Good luck to you. I hope you feel better soon. Just realize that you had a slip, dust yourself off, and start again. It happens to us all.

    1835 days ago
  • SUGAR0814
    You are definitely not alone!! Sorry about your brother. You will lose the weight you gain plus more. emoticon emoticon
    1835 days ago
    I am good about hiding those things too. I eat when I am alone, and no one will ever know that I'm sad or feeling down. That was great of you to confess on Spark people, it can be so liberating to just put it out there. The fact that you were willing to put it out there shows that you are ready to get this thing turned around. We have come too far to give up now. It gets hard, and it gets rough, but we can't throw it all away. You will turn this around and I am proud of you. emoticon
    1835 days ago
    You definitely aren't alone! It's great to confess these types of things because it gets them off your chest. Here's to new beginnings and sticking with the lifestyle!
    1835 days ago

    First, I am so very sorry about what happened to your brother! I hope you & your family were given the justice you deserve! As for the 19lb gain, I am very proud of you because you acknowledge that you messed up & are now striving & working for better! Being able to admit that you fell off the wagon takes true power & true strength! YOU can & WILL do this! I believe you have within you EVERYTHING you need to make your dreams your reality! Keep pushing, Darling! YOU are WORTH it!!!

    Stay Fabulous,

    1835 days ago
    You can do this. Everyone struggles!
    1835 days ago
    We all start out enthusiastic and optimistic on this journey. Along the way, our initial enthusiasm wears thin. Wrong thinking often leads to wrong eating. A couple wrong turns later and many of us end up lost in "The Pit of Despair."
    The danger of The Pit of Despair is that in hindsight you look back at your journey and in hindsight, see the path not taken adding a case of the "If Only's". If Only, I had stayed on track, I would be miles ahead and receiving the rewards I deserve. Please don't go there. It's a dead end road.
    The Pit of Despair is part of this journey. They are the same side roads and dead ends we've encountered in the past. It's where we met Frank Failure and he broke our heart. This road has lots of turns, twists, and sharp curves and it's easy to be unexpectedly blown off course.
    So glad you are back and standing proud.
    1835 days ago
    I know exactly what that is like...everyone is always so surprised when I tell them I gained because to them I am the perfect image of healthy eating and exercise. It is much easier to hide it all BUT it feels so much better when you know you are not alone in it AND you helped me know that I am not alone either so 2 wins!! emoticon Thank you for sharing and we can get through this together!! emoticon emoticon
    1835 days ago
    This was beautifully honest! So sorry about your brother..that is horrible. I do the samethings, when i'm down...resort to my own private world, where no one would suspect i'm feeling really crappy. Sometimes it's easy to hide, but it doesn't feel good to hide. Way to take the first step, and shed that guilt..for a fresh start! :)
    1835 days ago
    emoticon emoticon
    1835 days ago
    You're definitely not alone here! Don't keep it bottled up. See a counselor if you need to. emoticon
    1835 days ago
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