Sunday, April 13, 2014
These lyrics are from INTO THE WOODS, an amazing musical that features the stories of very well known fairytale characters. In this scene, Cinderella feels so much despair that she goes to her mother's grave which also has a tree that has grown because of her tears over the years. Throughout the whole musical, Cinderella sings, "I wish.." She wishes for a prince, a happy life and a family.
I've been good and I've been kind, Mother,
Doing only what I learned from you.
Why, then, am I left behind, Mother,
Is there something more that I should do?
What is wrong with me Mother?
Something must be wrong!
To say the very least, Saturday night was hell for me. I sobbed as I drove back home from seeing a friend's show and screamed out in pure despair.
You see, I'm depressed. Well, duh. I'm sure all of you know this already.
I've been struggling mentally, spiritually and emotionally. I'm not happy with myself. At times, I strongly dislike myself for what I look like and for having Depression. As much as I try to ignore the fact that I have such a strong dislike it'll always be there in the back of my mind.
I cried for so many reasons last night, for reason I cannot even begin to describe. All I felt then and now is despair, utter frustration and a feeling of defeat. How can I continue on this way? How can I possibly live my life in such a fashion? Does everyone experience this in their 20s? I'm not sure how much more I can take.
So many questions, so many tears. I cried so hard in the car my head still pounds right now. All I want to do is lay in bed and just take a break from life. We all know that isn't possible, but it doesn't stop me from wishing it.
I'm not sure why life is so dang hard for me right now; I honestly cannot think of a reason why. Every time I think of a wrong I've done to someone, I think of a way that I have atoned for what I did. I work extremely hard, I try to treat everyone well and do the best I can in all things. So why, why, why? Maybe I need new meds. I just don't know anymore. I'm not looking for sympathy SparkBuddies, just an ear.