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I Wish...

Sunday, April 13, 2014

These lyrics are from INTO THE WOODS, an amazing musical that features the stories of very well known fairytale characters. In this scene, Cinderella feels so much despair that she goes to her mother's grave which also has a tree that has grown because of her tears over the years. Throughout the whole musical, Cinderella sings, "I wish.." She wishes for a prince, a happy life and a family.

I've been good and I've been kind, Mother,
Doing only what I learned from you.
Why, then, am I left behind, Mother,
Is there something more that I should do?
What is wrong with me Mother?
Something must be wrong!
I wish..

To say the very least, Saturday night was hell for me. I sobbed as I drove back home from seeing a friend's show and screamed out in pure despair.

You see, I'm depressed. Well, duh. I'm sure all of you know this already.

I've been struggling mentally, spiritually and emotionally. I'm not happy with myself. At times, I strongly dislike myself for what I look like and for having Depression. As much as I try to ignore the fact that I have such a strong dislike it'll always be there in the back of my mind.

I cried for so many reasons last night, for reason I cannot even begin to describe. All I felt then and now is despair, utter frustration and a feeling of defeat. How can I continue on this way? How can I possibly live my life in such a fashion? Does everyone experience this in their 20s? I'm not sure how much more I can take.

So many questions, so many tears. I cried so hard in the car my head still pounds right now. All I want to do is lay in bed and just take a break from life. We all know that isn't possible, but it doesn't stop me from wishing it.

I'm not sure why life is so dang hard for me right now; I honestly cannot think of a reason why. Every time I think of a wrong I've done to someone, I think of a way that I have atoned for what I did. I work extremely hard, I try to treat everyone well and do the best I can in all things. So why, why, why? Maybe I need new meds. I just don't know anymore. I'm not looking for sympathy SparkBuddies, just an ear.

I wish...
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Guess what? The 20's don't have a corner on the market for such anguish...can recall times like this at various points in my life. Of TREMENDOUS value to me has been a solid connection with my therapist...hoping if you haven't already done so, you'll consider moving in this direction!

    1799 days ago
  • SUGAR0814
    I'm sorry your life isn't where you would like it to be at the moment, but you are in control of your own destiny. If you don't like the way things are going at the moment, change it. I know, easier said than done. I'm praying for you as I do for all my Sparkfriends, but I'm adding a little extra in there for you! emoticon emoticon emoticon
    1800 days ago
    Ok, I agree that the 20's were rough years for me too. It was a time of life for me when I was unsure of myself, trying to establish my career in a very competitive situation, and just felt like I had so many decisions to make. Overwhelming @ times! But I feel blessed that I had a lot of support and that helped.

    But here's what I wish for you, my dear. I wish you peace. You deserve that so much! You are such a beautiful person inside and out!!! Definitely consider getting a physical to make sure there is nothing physically going on. Do find a professional who can work you through this terrible depression. It IS terrible . . . like being in a tunnel with no light. But with help, it can be managed. You don't deserve to be so unhappy1

    HUGS my dear. Many, many hugs.
    1801 days ago
    I've also been having some hard times in my 20s. I think they are a hard time period for most people because you're transitioning to your own person seperate from your family. Becoming an adult, living alone, etc.
    Sometimes I get so depressed and mad at myself that I let myself look this way throughout all my teens and most of my 20s. I'm 26, almost 27 and still overweight. I'm trying to change it to atleast get a few years but I still get very sad. I have had crying spells like you had and they are not fun :(
    but sometimes it feels good to release all of that emotion instead of keeping all that stress bottled up. This will pass soon and you'll have much better days coming!
    Stay positive!! Spark is here for you!
    emoticon emoticon
    1801 days ago
  • no profile photo LOFLLAMA
    Oh, B! I am so sorry you feel this way. I don't know about EVERYone, but I had a very hard time in my 20's. My 20's were full of alcoholism, anger, pain & self hatred. It seemed I couldn't do anything right. No matter how hard I tried I failed! I cried myself to sleep every day until I was 26....only then drunkenness took over. I DON'T recommend doing it that way!

    Please get your meds checked. Maybe it's time to think about some serious counselling? You KNOW I say this out of love & concern. When I got my self-esteem up was when I was finally able to start looking life in the eye & knowing that I was okay.

    At 47 I still have my doubts about who I am, but it is nothing like the soul eating despair I had in my 20's. You've had a lot to deal with in your life. Maybe it's time to have a professional help you sort it all out!

    I really do love you. I want ALL great things for you! You deserve them!

    1801 days ago
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