The Blah Monster
Sunday, April 13, 2014
Today was a bit of a bust. I finished my Beethoven class, I wrote an email I said I would. But that was pretty much it. Fed myself, showered, dressed, did some cleaning. But that was it. My whole day. I was lethargic, and kept thinking how scared I am of everything. Part of that was looking through job postings. Part of that was wanting to write.
But I just *couldn't*.
Couldn't write, couldn't apply to anything, couldn't go to the gym. I honestly could barely feed myself today. By the time the hubby got home I was starving and just couldn't do anything about it.
I don't know what this means. What is this? Is it me? Is it the meds? I'm not sure I even care, I just wish I knew what to do when the Blah Monster is sitting on me. It's one of those times I wish I had a button, an emergency support system I could call so I could spew out the fear and the stupid inside of me and let them put the good things back inside.
We watched Cosmos tonight and I feel stupid. Not because Cosmos makes me feel that way. But because it doesn't. I find the show beautiful, but more than half the time it isn't teaching me anything new. Tardigrades, knew that, neutrinos, pff, that I knew about in middle school, including the Super-Kamiokande detector. In High School, I did some extra credit (because why not??) discussing the shut down of the Large Electron-Positron Collider, which had recently discovered hints of Higgs Boson, because CERN was building the Large Hadron Collide, which last year did confirm the existence of the Higgs Boson. Or forget science, the Temple at Abu Simbel they showed? Did you know the US, and other countries, joined together the physically move that temple in the middle of the 20th century because the construction of the Aswan High Dam would have flooded the site? Or forget Cosmos, I can explain why a turbo charger is different from a super charger, and in fact the twin scrolled turbo in my Hyundai is better, and my car is there fore faster, than an Audi A4 2.0T, which is also a turbo charged 2.0L engine.
So what is WRONG with me?? Which am I scared of my life? I'm smart, I'm a good writer, I have a worth ethic that belongs two generations ago, I'm a good worker. But yet, I just sit here.