Friday, April 11, 2014
I'm really tired of cycling back again, but I am going to keep writing about it and keep trying. I had another three weeks of abstention from sugar and I am on day three of another lapse. I wasn't losing any weight despite sticking to the plan. I guess I was overeating, but usually it still works. Maybe I have cycled back and forth too many times and my metabolism is messed up. Maybe the stress from my job messes up my metabolism.
I also started an antidepressant (Celexa). I wasn't even on a therapeutic dose, but I had major side effects of fatigue. I only made it to the gym once in the past long while. It was a real struggle. I have been barely wanting to get up and circle the classroom when students are working. The lack of energy is affecting my job and relationships. I could literally sleep and sleep and sleep. While I've always loved sleeping, this NEED for sleep was not a symptom of my depression. Anyway, I changed meds yesterday to Zoloft. I have done a lot of reading against anti-depressants, so it's hard for me to go into this with an open mind. I certainly have a propensity towards believing that the pharmaceutical are just multi-billion dollar enterprises. I also feel to some extent that it's just a cop out for true therapy. I mean, I love my current therapist, which is great. I've never been able to say that throughout my years trying it. I just don't know how the psychiatrist. I mean, they don't even know why antidepressants work. I know that depression legitimately runs in my family. I know that my eating is disordered. It is just hard to suffer from something so invisible to much of the world. My boyfriend and his father strongly believe that it is all in your mind. Part of me believes that, too, and I'm harder on myself because of that reason.
I mean, other than these symptoms, I have been slacking on "true therapy." My meeting attendance has been way down. I have been calling my sponsor less. I have not been working on my step in two weeks. I know these things have a positive effect on my well being.
I have been making jokes that are not funny to the ones they affect, a clear sign of my spiritual state...especially when they are directed at sixth graders. I'm pretty sure that's when my depression started. I need to be kind to them.
I took tomorrow off so I can try to be good to myself. I also have a bag of steamed broccoli for lunch. Maybe that will help me get on track since I ate two muffins, strawberry oatmeal, and almonds for breakfast.
Oh and I have the Warrior Dash at the end of May, so I really need to find a way to find the energy to get moving and train. If Zoloft has the same effect on me, then I am just going to give up on the antidepressants because I cannot live in a foggy fatigue all the time. I'd rather be sad.