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Ghosts of the past

Tuesday, April 08, 2014

I woke up today feeling anxious. I tried to figure out why. My mom came by yesterday and brought me some of my old clothing that used to fit me five years ago but didn't fit me since then. I tried them on eagerly and- they fit perfectly. Not tight at all. They look good on me.

And suddenly I was panicking.

It felt like I was stepping back in time. Seeing ghosts. Yes, that is me in the mirror. Yes, I look good. It's weird. I recognize myself, and yet I don't at all. Who is that girl? Who was I back then? Who am I now? What caused my weight to escalate again?

I think I'm scared that I will hit that point again and stay there. I have a goal weight, and so far I have just been focusing on getting there. I didn't think so much about the route along the way.

Now, I am 12 pounds away from my lowest weight ever, and that is seriously freaking me out. I think mainly because I'm scared that I won't make it past that, but also I'm scared that I WILL make it past that.

So I ask myself, do you WANT to get to your goal? CAN you get to your goal? And what comes after? What happens when there is no more weight to lose? What will be my focus then?

I think the fact that I've lost weight before and I recognize this place is what scares me the most. It's like stepping back in time, literally stepping back into my old clothes. But I have changed so much since then, in my personal life, socially, academically, in my career. I am not the same person I was back then. And yet I am wearing her clothes.

Can I get past this, into newer pasture? Can I keep going and make it farther then I did before? Or will I forever be stuck in limbo between my 'then' and 'now'?

I don't know what it means that my old clothing are freaking me out, but I think it's time for some new ones.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • DNJEN471
    You're not your past. When we live in the past, we miss out on our future. You're on an amazing path and you're doing awesome! Only look ahead! You're awesome! emoticon
    1533 days ago
  • BETRHO48
    emoticon I'm not a psychology expert, but I do agree with getting new clothes for the new you if your budget allows you to do so, because you aren't the person you were then. You've made a lot of changes (not just physical) to get where you are now. Mentally and emotionally you are different. You've matured in many ways to get where you are.
    emoticon I think it is okay to be a bit anxious about the new you. And it is good that you are thinking about that now while you are approaching your goal. You should be thinking about and planning what you are going to do to manage maintaining your weight once you arrive at your goal. You don't want to be like me and gain it all (and maybe more) back. It's important to your success to take the time now to figure it out, make your maintenance plan and stick to it.

    If you can't find any help with your situation by searching the free SP resources, you may want to consider taking your concerns to SparkCoach. I bet one of the experts can point you to resources to help you.
    1533 days ago
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