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"We Don't Want You"

Thursday, April 03, 2014

I'm looking forward to a break from work. I'm excited about having some free time and I was thinking of ways to nourish my soul and my mind (in addition to all the ways I use Spark to nourish my body). I applied to be a member of a book club and they rejected me. I felt so ashamed and dismissed. I had really wanted to join this group and thought it would be a perfect match for me. But I was wrong. They said that there was not enough commonality. Oh--I was passive and polite. I wanted to scream "But I have a Ph.D. in English" or "I TEACH English at the university by the way"

I felt hurt. On my way home from work today I desperately wanted to take a detour to a store that sells sweet things that I crave. But I kept Spark People in mind. I kept my body in mind. I drove straight home and enjoyed a sweet tangerine instead.

I am going to try to dwell on the positive: I really love my on-line life of supportive people and fascinating people and deeply wonderful people. The book club? Could it be that I was a little too fat for them? I hate to think that---I really hate to think that. Could it be that I was TOO modest and that they prefer people who are full of themselves? I will never know....

I don't always get along well with others of late. I think that is a decent appraisal. I spent my childhood trying to get along well with others. My parents thought it was the highest standard in a society--do not rock any boats; do not have any opinions that will not be universally agreed with; never argue with anyone about politics, religion, or ANY THING. In the name of politeness and good etiquette, I used to nod politely all the time. Always acknowledge that somebody has a good point to make.

My weight loss really started when I became MORE myself: ready to speak my mind; not willing to nod my head and agree to things that I felt were odious or distasteful. I know that being a person with a personality will mean that I will get rejected from time to time. And I will learn to be more careful about being inclusive with other people WITHOUT betraying myself.

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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • SCOOTER4263
    I was raised largely by my grandparents, who were genuine Victorians (not only acted as though, but were born in that era.) I was a model child.

    And when I was in my teenage years, I determined that that had gotten me absolutely nowhere. Yes, I did overcompensate for a while, but I also walked away with a healthy lack of interest in the opinions of lots of others. Not all others, of course, but ones such as those who would reject one from a book club. (Read. Discuss. What's to judge?)

    We can come up with all sorts of hypotheses about why you were rejected, but personally I like this reason: God was pleased with you that day and decided not to burden you with that bunch.
    1507 days ago
    Hey! Start your own book club and let everyone join!
    1508 days ago
    What on EARTH were those ninnies thinking?
    1508 days ago
    You have a Ph.D. in English. You aren't too fat for them. You're too smart!! They're scared of your amazing brain.
    And you really want to belong to a book club that asks you to apply then rejects you? Start your own damn club - one that is based on the following criteria:
    Do you like to read?
    Do you like to talk about what you read?
    Club formed!
    1508 days ago
  • MRSP90X
    I agree with what people have commented on the book club. I can totally relate about loving your on-line life. Most of my friends, no make that all of my friends, are from my church, and while I love them, I just cannot be myself around them. Here I can be myself and be with others were health and fitness is their top priority, and we are all need support where ever we are at in our journey. emoticon
    1508 days ago
    Would you "really" want to belong to a book club that rejects people? Not me.
    1508 days ago
    I sincerely doubt that a book club would decline you based on your weight. It was probably because they were looking for a different ethnic perspective or something along those lines. Just because your weight bothers you doesn't mean that it bothers others.
    1508 days ago
  • TREV1964
    I have enough rejection letters regarding my work to paper our lounge at home. It would be easy to focus on them and begin to think less of myself. It was only through putting micro clasps on my music and setting up tapes with the leader tape in a certain position that would have moved if they had been played that I realised that my material had often not been inspected in any way whatsoever before it was sent back having been rejected.

    Now when I am rejected I think "Oh well - their loss - NEXT!!!" and then go onto the next challenge.

    If they didn't want you on their team there is a good chance that if they had accepted you it would not be very long before you would not be very happy with the situation that you would now be in.

    No worries - onwards and upwards.

    Cheers and love as always

    1508 days ago
    I'm for individualism. I've never heard of a book club rejecting people. If you ever start a book club, I would love to join. I'm certain it would be very interesting and educational. I agree with EGrammy. Who has the problem? It's not you.
    1508 days ago
  • KATIE5668
    If they have the audacity to say I do not believe there is enough commonality for you to participate in our discussions...then evidently they don't need someone with your knowledge & abilities!

    I thought book clubs were friendly places not snobville..sorry that happened to you.
    however must think that it is best now..rather than for you to seek a graceful way to exit later!!! which given their attitude might very well have happened!

    here's emoticon & know you are always welcome at my doorway!!

    emoticon emoticon

    1508 days ago
  • 1SALMON1
    Book club? No one has to "apply" to join a REAL book club - people who love reading love other readers. Their loss, Natalie. And good for you not being de-railed. Keep on keeping on becoming more and more yourself!
    1508 days ago
    As far as the book clique, "who owns the problem?" They have a problem and it's their loss And so good you found out sooner than later that they are not open minded. That could have been such a dull discussion of books.

    I think you are not old enough to be freely independent yet. You younguns will discover how freeing age can be. I have.

    So glad you are a member of our team.
    1508 days ago
  • POPSY190
    You're probably the victim of "tall poppy syndrome" and they want to keep themselves in their unthreatening ego-licking cocoon. I've been through this when a member of a book club, who is more than a bit of a drama queen, objected to a new member on the grounds that "she knows my sister" (it turned out that the new member and the sister hadn't had any contact for over 20 years) and objected when I asked about a new grandchild in front of this person. She took it on herself to tell the new member she wasn't wanted. This infuriated me so I left the group I'd belonged to for nearly 25 years and established my own (with the help of the existing leader because I didn't want to wreck the group.) I set it up at a different time, said people had only to come and speak about their month's reading (the other group all read the same book), there was no charge, always at my house, a drink provided but no food. It's gone like a bomb - all the old group joined, plus some others that I have garnered along the way. In the end all the upset about the other group has been worth it.
    Remember that you are not the problem.
    1509 days ago

    Comment edited on: 4/3/2014 11:04:03 PM
    Well, I think you are better off without them. Good on you for not giving in to temptation and letting your upset feelings dictate your eating. Perhaps you could start your own book club, one that celebrates the many differences among us, and has not problem with others who have opposing views? I think you would be an excellent leader.
    1509 days ago
  • TREE57
    What kind of book club is this? I can't even imagine a book club turning away someone. Well, it's their loss. Not enough commonality....are you kidding, diversity is what makes a good book club hum!

    I've been in the same book club for two years. We are all from different walks of like, different ages, shapes and colors. No one cares one iota about size, we are looking for a lively discussion about the books we read.

    Start your own book club....invite a couple of people to bring their friends, meet at a library or coffee shop...Pick out 3 or 4 months worth of books and a set day each month and GO FOR IT! YOU CAN DO THIS!
    1509 days ago
  • STONE815
    It's their loss and we like you here. There is plenty of commonality here.

    1509 days ago
    Remember all things happens for a reason whether you understand it now or not.

    We here at Spark People wants you. I enjoy reading your blogs.
    1509 days ago
    Thank you.
    I did not mention an academic background because people often find it off-putting and they might have worried that I would be all theoretical, so it was not that. I just presented myself as a passionate lover of reading...
    1509 days ago
  • _BABE_
    I go through the same worries about being too fat now that I am looking for a job. It's likely not the reason for rejection.

    I am, however, shocked that they would give the arrogant yet vague excuse of not enough commonality. Telling you that you are better off not being with the likes of them is probably no consolation but think about it....they really seem like biatches and who wants any part of their group.

    They likely thought your academic background would show them up and they were right!
    1509 days ago
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