Behind The Curtain
Wednesday, April 02, 2014
Part of my identity is synonymous with my career in the theatre. Even though putting on a show takes a huge toll on me physically and at times mentally, it makes me very happy overall. I feel alive, comfortable and safe. Some might say it’s because I hide behind it, some might say it’s because I don’t have to live my life for a few hours a day. Perhaps they’re right. For a lot of actors, it IS a way to escape, to put energy into something that feeds their souls. Fine, it is for me too I will not deny it. It’s nice to be able to walk into a rehearsal space, leave all of the BS from my life behind and focus on being ONE place at ONE time. It’s nice to meet new people, dive into someone else’s work and find out new things about myself. My time in the theatre has brought me some of the most rewarding experiences ever.
The idea behind my not being in a show for the summer was for me to focus on other things, things that I’ve neglected or ignored because the show took over my time. While I love having more time to myself, I absolutely hate not having something to do every night. Granted, I know I should be exercising but I’m not. Yes, I know this is SparkPeople’s cardinal sin #1, but oh well. One thing I have been doing is organizing and cleaning my room. You see, I have let my room get to a state of disarray, an unorganized mess. There are piles of papers, documents and things I have forgotten about and possessions I don’t even need anymore. For the past month or so, I’ve focused on a section of my room and conquered it. Today, I’ll be conquering my craft bag that has become an absolute mess. Things will be thrown away, most donated. I feel so accomplished when I see my “new” room start to take shape, and knowing where everything is ain’t too bad either. As I clean, I reflect on my life, my failures and my accomplishments. Certain items bring back memories and when I get uncomfortable with whatever negative feelings that arise, I have to make a choice as to whether the item or piece of paper is worth keeping in my room. Since I was denied yet again for my dream apartment, I’ve decided to focus on a place where I spend a lot of time. Makes sense right? This is more than just cleaning my room this is me cleaning my mind, my body, my spirit.
By the time fall comes around I expect to have an immaculate room and a clearer plan on how I should continue to live my life. I’ll also hit the ground running in terms of auditioning and shows. This past Friday, a dear friend of mine who has been extremely successful here in LA gave me some fabulous advice.
I’ll paraphrase it here…
“MissB604, you’ve got to be yourself. Your REAL self. I feel like you can never be your real self and you need to be. This spring/summer, I want you to work on really being yourself. It should be called the conservatory of MissB8604. Mind, body (which you are doing) and spirit. When the fall comes around, you need to hit the ground running in terms of your career. I feel like you are SO ready, SO talented and SO capable of taking things to the next level. Stop settling; stop waiting in your comfort zone. IT’S OKAY TO SUCCEED. It’s okay to be you. YOU CAN DO THIS.”
He went on and on, but you get the point. Good guy right? YES.
While weight loss is always on my mind, I cannot let it take over. After a solid week of binging, I managed to not binge yesterday and I can’t even begin to tell you how proud I am. I’ll do my absolute best to eat right, get in what exercise I can (laziness aside) and keep a good eye on my portions. If I mess up, the entire day isn’t ruined. I’ve learned that although I have succeeded in the past, I have never let myself go any further than that. I have a doctorate in self sabotage and am honestly afraid of what I’ll do to stand in my own way. I don’t want to sabotage my efforts, I WANT to succeed even though I’m afraid of it. Hopefully looking behind the curtain will help me find out why because I only have this one life and every single part of me wants it to be a darn good one.