A Renewal of Hope
Sunday, March 30, 2014
I finally feel like I'm at a place of neutrality with my journey. I'm at my highest weight ever, but instead of hating myself for it, I find myself curious about it. My clothes don't fit and I'm uncomfortable, but there is a sense of acknowledgement that this is where I am in this moment vs. mentally berating myself for being here. It's a very different experience.
I give a lot of credit to myself. Working full time, being in school full time, having to support myself and not have anyone helping... yeah, it's not been easy. And it's been a long haul.
A couple weeks ago, I came to the realization that I couldn't finish my master's this year and still feel any sense of sanity (since I'd be taking 3 overlapping classes). Knowing I'd be taking at least one class in the Spring of 2015 created some breathing room... which allowed for a waterfall of goodness to start flowing. I made the decision to skip my June classes, which afforded me the opportunity to plan a trip to Toronto to visit RAVENSONG37. It also gives me a 6 week window of time to write a rough draft of my 25-35 page literature review that has been haunting me. Because I decided to do the literature review instead of the thesis, since everything I was planning on doing for my thesis I have to do for my work anyway, I have to supplement an elective for the extra work.
A 2 week trip to England, France and Germany (London, Cambridge, Paris, and Heidelberg).
I feel so much smarter for electing that option!
Long story short, I only have 4 more, 6-week classes this year, my literature review, and a summary class in the spring. And then I'm done. And I graduate with my M.A. in Organizational Leadership. It all feels so doable at this point.
I know that I don't want to go to Europe feeling tired, or out of breath, or scattered so I need to spend some time and energy investing in me over the next couple months. My therapist, who I am so lucky to have, pointed out that I have no problem making time to help others but I never can seem to find time for myself. She's right. And that is the kind of observation I truly appreciate her pointing out.
With that, I've made the decision to take out some student loan money and join a pilates studio. I'm not a pilates person, but they offer Nia (which I love), yoga and Zumba. If that gets me there as a way to unwind, and I still get some activity, then it's a win-win. This is pretty much the only studio I have found to offer Nia, and now that I live in Minneapolis, it is only a couple exits from my house. Score.
Much of my challenge will be around preparation and/or easy meals. I still haven't done a good job of balancing all of that out because I'm so busy, and tired by the time I get home. Some of my previous go-to's aren't options for me anymore for one reason or another so I'm back to needing to create options for myself. It's one of my goals for today, to wrap my head around that.
Overall, though this has been the toughest year of my life with some really hard lessons learned, I find myself thankful, grateful and hopeful. And that seems like a really good place to start.