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A Renewal of Hope

Sunday, March 30, 2014

I finally feel like I'm at a place of neutrality with my journey. I'm at my highest weight ever, but instead of hating myself for it, I find myself curious about it. My clothes don't fit and I'm uncomfortable, but there is a sense of acknowledgement that this is where I am in this moment vs. mentally berating myself for being here. It's a very different experience.

I give a lot of credit to myself. Working full time, being in school full time, having to support myself and not have anyone helping... yeah, it's not been easy. And it's been a long haul.

A couple weeks ago, I came to the realization that I couldn't finish my master's this year and still feel any sense of sanity (since I'd be taking 3 overlapping classes). Knowing I'd be taking at least one class in the Spring of 2015 created some breathing room... which allowed for a waterfall of goodness to start flowing. I made the decision to skip my June classes, which afforded me the opportunity to plan a trip to Toronto to visit RAVENSONG37. It also gives me a 6 week window of time to write a rough draft of my 25-35 page literature review that has been haunting me. Because I decided to do the literature review instead of the thesis, since everything I was planning on doing for my thesis I have to do for my work anyway, I have to supplement an elective for the extra work.

My elective?

A 2 week trip to England, France and Germany (London, Cambridge, Paris, and Heidelberg).

I feel so much smarter for electing that option!

Long story short, I only have 4 more, 6-week classes this year, my literature review, and a summary class in the spring. And then I'm done. And I graduate with my M.A. in Organizational Leadership. It all feels so doable at this point.

I know that I don't want to go to Europe feeling tired, or out of breath, or scattered so I need to spend some time and energy investing in me over the next couple months. My therapist, who I am so lucky to have, pointed out that I have no problem making time to help others but I never can seem to find time for myself. She's right. And that is the kind of observation I truly appreciate her pointing out.

With that, I've made the decision to take out some student loan money and join a pilates studio. I'm not a pilates person, but they offer Nia (which I love), yoga and Zumba. If that gets me there as a way to unwind, and I still get some activity, then it's a win-win. This is pretty much the only studio I have found to offer Nia, and now that I live in Minneapolis, it is only a couple exits from my house. Score.

Much of my challenge will be around preparation and/or easy meals. I still haven't done a good job of balancing all of that out because I'm so busy, and tired by the time I get home. Some of my previous go-to's aren't options for me anymore for one reason or another so I'm back to needing to create options for myself. It's one of my goals for today, to wrap my head around that.

Overall, though this has been the toughest year of my life with some really hard lessons learned, I find myself thankful, grateful and hopeful. And that seems like a really good place to start.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • PJH2028
    I love you, P. And am emoticon applauding with smiles and love.
    1780 days ago
    It's crunch time for students but just think how great it will feel...soon!
    1790 days ago
    Good for you- it is very important to focus on YOU and YOUR happiness. No one else can do it for us, and if we don't take time for ourselves, we end up having nothing to give anyone else, anyway.
    1797 days ago
    That is an AWESOME place to start!!! Sounds like everything you have been through - the good and the bad - has been working to get you to here...in reach of ALL your dreams. You can do it!!
    1820 days ago
    I'm really proud of you for making the decision to not try to do everything at once and to do what is best for you! That is not an easy decision to make, and one I've been struggling with this semester as well. Have a wonderful time both in Toronto and in Europe!!
    1820 days ago
  • SHEILA1505
    Glad to see you've spread the load, to have some time to breathe
    When will you be in London? I'm going to visit DD2 for my birthday and would love to meet for a walk in a Park, or along the Thames, or something! Maybe just a coffee or glass of something chilled

    Big hugs xxx
    1821 days ago
    Sounds very doable, and exciting to get to spend sometime in Europe. History and literature come alive when we see, hear, smell, touch, and taste historic places. I have two masters degrees and am working on my doctoral degree right now, so a little advice, if I may--don't forget to take care of yourself along the way. It won't get easier when the degree is in hand and the next phase of life starts. But if you establish self-care habits right now, you will carry them in the next phase as well. Thanks much for sharing, hope everything goes well for you!
    1821 days ago
    I am so glad to read the upbeat tone of your blog. It's been a long time coming, but I knew you would get there.

    It sounds like you are going to have a great summer, what with a trip to Toronto and also your elective trip...

    I am glad that you decided to ease the Master's pressure by extending your class schedule. I think that was a really wise choice.

    Make good use of the pilates membership and above all, ENJOY!!!

    You can do it, kiddo!!

    1821 days ago
    Fantastic! I love this blog.
    1821 days ago
    Great job on being so close to your master's degree, that is a great accomplishment!

    1821 days ago
  • GEORGE815
    We all must make decisions on how much we can keep on our plate. Seems like you have made some great choices. Good luck!
    1821 days ago
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