Emotional Eating & Trauma
Friday, March 28, 2014
Emotional eating is a curse!
I had a bad day so I consumed most of a large pizza and 8 boneless wings and why? Because I got a text that my mother was sick. My mother that I haven't spoken to in over 5 years, nor seen in over 5 1/2 years. A person who I choose to stop allowing her drama and mental instability to affect me each and every day of my life And, that is why I choose to de-friend her you might say. I'm not talking about a Facebook de-friending. I am talking about completely wiping all ties with her from my existence. Anyway, I eventually find out that she isn't all that sick after all, but that this was just a ploy for attention. Once again we have the little boy who cried wolf. Over and over and over I have lived like this with her for the majority of my life --- I'm just a few months away from turning 35 years old so as you can see this has been a long journey.
The part that I have yet to understand is how do I control how I respond to hearing from her or about her? On hearing about her, especially the thought that I might run into her, I am immediately overcome with a state of panic. Today, hearing that she could be sick, I was overcome with concern and it upset me very much. 1) My father died right after his organs started shutting down and that is what my mother is having problems with. She says it is stage 3 kidney disease, but the doctors are telling her that the treatment method is diet and exercise, and that doesn't sound too severe to me. 2) I have often thought what I would do if and when she does die. I am comfortable with the relationship that I have created, NO RELATIONSHIP, and when she does go can I live with myself once this occurs.
It still pains me that I cannot have a relationship with her. I know deep down that I am doing the right thing, but I think I still believe that it is wrong unconsciously. I have so much trauma from the past that was suffered at her hands that I believe that is why the fight or flight response comes out at the mention of her name or at the thought of seeing her. I know that she cannot cause me harm and that this is irrational, but it happens. And, finally, I also know that she will never change. I moved to Oklahoma in March of 2008 (from Missouri) to help take care of her. I gave up my life. I was making double the money I am making now, a good job, I had my friends, a nice house that I rented out in the country, and a good life. She never appreciated anything and once again she showed me that she hadn't changed. In fact, she had gotten even worse.
Last year around this time of the year I received a letter from her. This was not a letter of apologizes but a "poor, pitiful me" letter. The only thing in this four page letter that was even related to me what that she said I love you before she signed her name. She never said I miss you or anything of that matter. A couple months later I landed in the Psych ward for an 11 day stay. Now wasn't that fun! (Sarcasm)
Since my inpatient hospitalization (June 2013), I have done extremely well with my life. My depression was gone. I graduated from therapy. My bipolar seemed to be under control with medication. I was starting to have motivation to lose weight. I did start to lose weight. I started to eat healthy.
Then today this happens and I feel like I am back at that point. I guess I feel like I am a little scared girl that doesn't want to make Mommy upset (which was the case growing up) when I have any contact with her.
My goal in life is to work with children who have been abused. I plan on getting my degree for a licensed therapist, but I would primarily like to work as an advocate or something in the field of social services I think. I'm not real sure what exactly I would like to do in this field. The question that seems to come up, however, is........CAN I HANDLE IT? How can I handle that type of career when I can't even handle my own life? I'm hoping in 2+ years when I graduate I will have grown mentally and be able to answer that question.
But, back to emotional eating, these circumstances bring out the emotional eating in my life. They make me feel like I really do not care about anything so I will eat whatever I want. I tend to sabotage my weight loss. I cannot blame everything on my mother and my horrible childhood. I choose how I let things affect me. However, I have yet to learn how to NOT let things affect me adversely.
Therefore, my goal this weekend is to get on the treadmill!!! Walk!! Walk! Walk! Walk the stress away! Read something inspirational! Right now I am reading "Three Steps to Enlightenment" which is very inspirational actually.
Thanks for reading! I know it was rather long.