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Monday, March 24, 2014

Am laying here awake and wanting to be honest about myself and ask for your opinion about why I don't take care of me any better daily. I know I've been thru a lot but just am lost on the reason why I neglect myself in ways . Please try not to think bad of me ok . I started gaining the weight at age 5 when the abuse started. *i was then always starting to want to lose the weight but never finished anything or stuck to any diet long enough. It was like I ran from one place to another always trying but could never conquer the task at hand . The first time someone made me feel very scared about how I felt emotionally was at age 15 in Loma Linda at a. Child weight loss group and the Counsler in the program too me to her office and asked me a question that scared me intensely . She asked me that it seemed like I always had a smile on my face and that I acted like everything was great inside but then she said .. What if you quit smiling what would happen lie how would I feel ? I got so scared from that question that I asked her that I wanted to just go . She said ok and let me out of her room without a answer to the question. Since then I have had many serious bouts with mental illness that has scared me out the water.. Mental illness hit me very hard at age 20 when I started seeing things that I knew other people couldn't see . I will not go in detail the type of things but they scared me so badly . I started having trouble sleeping and losing touch with reality at lengths of time . Most of this stuff I kept deep in side and continued to try and be the good daughter , friend, etc but there were times I was So so tormented by thoughts that scared me soooooo , I ran off and on to Psyc drs but believed truthfully for many years that I was a seriously bad or evil person because of the thoughts I was always having . I am grateful my thoughts never was about hurting anyone but they were very scary . I could not control my mind and I prayed a lot but things only got worse . There were times even when i was attending school in my 20s and I was neglecting myself so much that I would go a month with out a shower . I tried not to show my problems. One thing I am scared to tell you is that it's been about 20 years since I've brushed my teeth. Yes I had asked the dr when I was 22 when I started this , if there was a pill to take to help me start brushing again but he said that it just had to come from me . Well that WANT has never come back . I'm fearful of how your feeling about me but I want to finally be honest to someone. Even when I lost all those 225 lbs by 23 I emotionally was the same . I never bought myself new cloths and only wore smaller cloths a friend gave me . Through the next 20 years now I e had very hard times . I've even had to be hospitalized for mental illness once due to never taking the needed medicine etc etc. another thing I'm good at still I keeping my self so busy that I choose to not deal with how I really feel or how I still neglect me . I'm trying to right now find another therapist . Please keep me in prayer. Thanks for listening. I just needed to talk. I know this is only a small piece of my puzzle but need to reach out in some way. My food self neglect in other areas are the other areas I am hurting still, the important thing is that I want to get better and will always try to get better . . Good night . I'm grateful for my family who love me and friends that care and especially for my friend maryann, She is my rock that takes good care for me and is always there for me May GOD bless and keep you all. . Thanks for listening
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    1548 days ago
    No Angel, I don't think badly of you. I think you're stronger than you give yourself credit for. Everybody who has responded has given you good advice. Writing things down can be very theraputic. When you recognize something that's self-sabotage, take a few minutes to write down what you're feeling and why you're doing it. Don't share it with your therapist unless you're comfortable doing so. Sometimes just writing it down for yourself and then tearing it into little tiny pieces can be very helpful ... and reducing a problem to something you can tear up and throw away feels wonderful.
    Negotiating with yourself for little victories as Positive suggests is a great strategy too. If you can convince that part of you that feels scared and unworthy and hopeless that just one little change isn't a threat so that you can bring yourself to do it every day, before you know it, it'll be a habit, and given enough time, you can get to anywhere in the world you want to be, one step and one day at a time.
    emoticon emoticon
    1548 days ago
    Your story has a lot of reasons that you may not want to take better care of yourself. Abuse, mental illness, struggles from inner fears can absorb all your inner energy to do the care giving.
    Recently someone told me that all our inner voices all have a positive reason for telling us to do or act in a certain way. I thought it was a crazy idea. That voice that says Eat that NOW! Eat until you are fat and miserable. How could that have a positive intent for my life? I figured out they did. They wanted me to be big so I would be safe. I learned to talk back to those voices as a grown up and let them know they didn't need to be afraid any longer. When I did that, they stopped pushing me so hard.
    You had real reasons to be afraid as a child. Your voices might be voices of warning because they are still afraid for your safety. You aren't 5 years old any more and you are more capable of keeping yourself safe than you could then. Maybe you can tell that part of you that is still 5 and still afraid, that you know you will be okay and safe even if you take care of yourself a little by brushing your teeth. See if she doesn't feel calm when you say this. If she does, she will let you do that for yourself.

    1548 days ago
    1548 days ago
    You asked for opinions--- I don't think badly of you at all. I think that you are needing "recovery" from the pain and the abuse in your life. You have made progress in the past, and there is healing for you now. However, there is no magic pill that will make you take care of yourself. No magic pill to make you want to brush your teeth...
    But get a toothbrush and do it. The advice is from NIKE--- just do it. One simple step can lead to the next step--- and you might just like the feeling of having clean teeth.
    You are worth "CARE" and only you can come to know that this is FACT. I don't know of the magic pill, but there are counselors who are trained to treat mental illness.
    You are a good person who has a heart for caring for others--- Care for yourself too.
    God knows your struggles and His grace is powerful. Bless you.
    1549 days ago
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  • MAGA99
    know that you are not alone many of suffer from mental illness and never get help is took me to be 45 to finally get help and my mental issues started around 4 or 5 along with the abuse

    if u ever need to talk I would b more then happy to b ur support person we could e-mail text or whatever would b more helpful to u

    1549 days ago
    Hugs & love go out to you in your time of need - sat strong you will make it, the hardest part is now realizing what you are going through.
    1549 days ago
    emoticon emoticon & more emoticon !

    I can't say I have experienced what you are going through! But I reflect on things too! Like I have a few close friends I talked to, also a VA counselor but NO ONE knows everything in past or present day. I have Major Depression.

    Some days are just the pits. In years past my days were really bad. This year not so much.

    Have you tried writing down stuff immediately after it happens? To show a therapist. Are your prescription meds causing some of this.

    Will keep you in my prayers
    1549 days ago
  • KANOE10
    Hugs to you my friend. I am glad you are looking for a new therapist and that you have family and friends that care for you. I know you will find a way to be happy and to take care of yourself.

    1549 days ago
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