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What's Been Up With Me (Venting Included, UGH)

Saturday, March 15, 2014

I can't believe it's been 5 weeks since I wrote a blog. That's exactly how long it's been since I started working in the clay studio, refreshing my wheel skills. It's going very well. I go to class one day a week and go to the studio two additional days a week. I need to get a few pictures posted after my first firing of pots comes out of the kiln, which will be on Sunday. It is such an excited feeling to anticipate seeing the finished products. I used interesting glaze combinations and it is fun to find out what they look like. The other days of the week are busy with helping my daughter with her three little ones, meeting my son once a week, and getting things done to encourage hubby.

He and I had an intense discussion, in which we came to the conclusion that each of us had areas to work on to show and tell the other that we love them. I had been too wrapped up in myself, and by nature he isn't demonstrative. We both don't naturally have the urges to do the things that the other needs to feel loved. For him, it's having a clean house, not having to be involved in grocery shopping as much as he has been, having me let him know I appreciate how hard he works for the family and for me to be involved in the budget. Truly I have let these things slide. I wrote down all these things and put the list in a visible place, to remind myself to work at them daily. One thing he also mentioned was that he wishes I would help with earning money for the family. I had written "get a job" on the list. After our discussion, he went into his office (where he spends most of his time) and I did a thorough cleaning, putting all my anger into the effort. Got a lot done. Later he thanked me for cleaning and he said that the main thing on that list that really matters to him was for me to do housework, even just keeping things picked up. I was surprised that that was all it really took. But since then I've cooked him a good meal complete with a dessert he likes. I am not one to cook for him, but I am going to make more of an effort. I've kept up with laundry and shopping. I'm encouraging him on being a great caretaker of the family. I am putting out a daily effort, the list is right where I pick up my keys, so I see it and am reminded to do a little every day. I'm happier that I am doing my best.

His part in this was only that I don't hear that he loves me. I know it from how he takes care of my daily needs and is always willing to give me advice when I ask for it, but I always have to fish for the words of encouragement that he likes me, or loves me. He said he'd work on that. Somehow it always feels like I'm the one who is failing in SO many ways. I reminded him that every time I've told him I need to hear words of affection, he says "that's just not in my nature" "I will never change that" I said why should I have to make changes? It's not in my nature to want to cook, or clean, and he never lets me know when he's working on the budget, so how do I know when he's doing it? He is in his office all the time. When I do go in there, he's working on work, and I hate to interrupt him. I told him he needs to let me know when he wants my input. In the end he said he'd change that and tell me that he loves me. So far I haven't heard it. But I'm not going to be nasty and not do the things that help him feel loved and appreciated.

Sorry! I just had to vent a bit. Actually one thing that he is doing is taking a more active role in helping with his mother. I had become stressed out and overwhelmed with the feelings that it is always me that it falls on to be there for her. I had to recently spend all day at the hospital with her. I am the one not working. (though I have my class) And I am "free" to step in. We live a half hour drive from her. A daughter lives an hour away and is sickly. Not a very big help. I'm also anticipating that my parents are going to need my help. I'm the only one of their children that isn't working or have kids that live at home. Again, I feel trapped that it all falls on me.

I shouldn't feel this way but I do. I feel overwhelmed and inconvenienced. Where is my gratitude for all my parents have done for me?

With all this going on, I'm getting about 1000 calories burned a week. Which isn't much, and sometimes I know that if I could just fit in a nice long walk, I wouldn't feel the stress so bad. Of course on the days I find time, it's a day that it's raining. Walking relieves my stress better than other exercise. I'm doing lots of push-ups, squats and planks, because I can fit them in a couple times a day for a few minutes.

Again I apologize for dumping on you. If any of you actually read my blog to the end I am grateful for your kindness of doing so. I haven't been making myself very available on SP. But I log in daily. Sometimes that's all I do.

Keep smiling. Hugs to all of you!
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    1533 days ago
  • KANOE10
    This is a good place to vent. You are taking care of many people in your life as well as of yourself. You do have a job, that is demanding, even if you are not leaving the home. I am glad you are taking that pottery class and doing something that you enjoy. I am also very happy that you and your husband talked about difficult issues.
    There are different languages of love. Your husband feels by his actions, he is showing you that he loves you. You need the language of words and appreciation. Hopefully you both can come together. My husband and I are also currently discussing different needs that are not working for either of us.

    Take care of yourself. Try to get to a position where you feel that you are not always the one who is wrong.

    1533 days ago
    1534 days ago
    I hope he helps with the house too. Just because you don't work outside the home doesn't mean all the housework and taking care of HIS mom should fall on you. Caretakers can get very overwhelmed and stressed out. I give you credit for trying to improve things on your end. I hope he makes some positive changes too.
    1534 days ago
  • LARISSA238
    I had one of these talks with Geo and he is doing an amazing job of showing affection now. He will rub my leg while in the car, tickle me in my recliner, lying down with me and reading news stories... it really worked.
    1534 days ago
    Oh my gosh, that sounds so much like my ex-husband and I used to be! Except he was always telling me how everything I did was wrong too. It is important to build each other up in a relationship. I can't say I was very good at that, and I justified it because he had become so derisive to me. We were married 31 years when he found someone else, 10 yrs. younger, and 33 years when we divorced. I never thought it could happen to us. See if you can find a weekend retreat for couples, that is a great starting point, and we never did it. I will keep you in my prayers for strength and positive moves in the right direction. I love pottery, I am so jealous that you can do that! You should make and sell them for that extra income! If you price it just below what everyone else is selling for, you could turn a nice profit!
    1534 days ago
    1534 days ago
    I think you are doing a great job taking care of yourself! Sending happy, positive energy your way! emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
    1534 days ago
    Blogging truly is therapeutic and no one is able to control how they feel. You can just control the way you react to things is all. It looks like you made some ground with what you were dealing with, and that's great. I think the entire world could benefit from expressing more appreciation, you aren't alone!! Have a great Saturday!
    1534 days ago
    Hang in, my friend. About two years before my husband was diagnosed with his terminal cancer, we recommitted ourselves to working on our relationship. You and I have talked about our sons a bit in the past. Ours sucked the life right out of our relationship. We came very close to splitting, and in fact, he was looking for a place. Then one night, neither of us could sleep and we ended up out in the living room talking until nearly 6 in the morning. We knew we both still loved each other very much, but over the years had really lost track of each other and each other's needs.

    Long story short, we set a date night. Nothing else got done that evening. It was our night, and that was that. We just weren't available anywhere else, short of a family emergency. At first, it was kind of artificial. We went to our favourite specialty coffee shop, and after a few dates, it wasn't artificial anymore. It took work, believe me… we were both very engrained in our habits of dealing/not dealing.

    You are doing an amazing job by making that list and using it. Maybe you can get your husband out with you and work toward a regular time out. It doesn't need to be costly… it can be a walk or a bike ride.

    1534 days ago
  • RHOOK20047
    Sometimes having a place to say what is held in our hearts is so therapuetically good. The way I look at it, when one is doing such on a blog, if I don't want to hear it, I stop reading. I understand where you are coming from because my wife and I are not very vocal people in expressing our love. I like your husband feel that just the fact that I have been with my wife for 37 years should tell her that I have undying love for her, but she needs to hear it and be shown it. I don't need that as much as she does. So vent when you need to. It is healthy, and know that some are listening. I am not a love professional so I don't offer solutions, just sometimes hint at what I do that has worked! But don't call me Dr. Love! LOL! We can only do what we have time to do. Most of us are wearing too many hats these days due to economy, world situations and family needs. Just hang in there.
    1534 days ago
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