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Holy Sabotage Batman!

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Saturday, March 15, 2014

I have definitely talked about this self sabotaging before, and here I am dealing with it again. In previous weight loss attempts, I started self sabotaging at the 40 pounds lost mark. This current weight loss journey (which I am determined to say it is my FINAL one btw) is a few days shy of 2 years and by far my most successful. I made it past the dreaded 40 pound mark... I know I self sabotaged as I approached Onederland. I took many extra months to get to Onederland because of my sabotaging. I hit the 180's in October of last year, and then the holidays paired up with self sabotage and I am just now undoing that damage and busting back into the 180's. The day that I saw the 180's during my official weigh in is the day that my eating went out of control. I know that is no coincidence. It isn't a conscious thing where I think "Hey, I'm doing absolutely fabulous! Why don't we eat until we are completely stuffed and keep doing that until we ruin everything?!" It is something that I realize I am doing after the fact, and it can get downright frustrating.

I know I have fears about getting to my weight loss goal. I know that there was a part of me that never thought I could do it, and that gets in my way sometimes too. I know some of the reasons I do what I do, but I haven't fully gotten a grip on it yet. It just seems like I am stacking the odds against me, I am an emotional, over eater by nature... that is plenty to deal with, but I have a self saboteur on top of it. I did some googling, and I actually found two fabulous articles dealing with the subject that have really opened my eyes quite a bit. I will post those links at the bottom of the blog. One thing I was learning is that your subconscious wants to take the path of least resistance. They went on to explain that if you have been used to always having a beer after work and watching 5 hours of tv, that is what your subconscious wants to do. They went on to explain that you can of course change that path, but you need to do it with consistency and habit forming.

Reading that, I realized that I have some of those habits formed already. I have consistently drank plenty of water for the last 2 years. I don't even think about it anymore, I just do it. I fill up my jug to take to work, and I am always drinking. For the past year I have walked Sparky on my days off and walked at work. It is an automatic response. It doesn't surprise me that the one habit that is the hardest for me to overcome has to do with food. I have had an unhealthy relationship with food my entire life... so to think that even 2 years on this journey could undo the other 20 years of battling with food is silly. It is going to take a lot more to "undo" the way I use food for more than just fuel.

I know that the 180's are a scary place for me. It is the smallest I have been in over 10 years. The lowest I got was 186 before I flipped out, and here I am barely in the 180's and already flipping out a little. I can give into the self saboteur, throw in the towel, go back to my old ways, and start packing on all the pounds I lost... or I can continue to educate myself, learn about myself and why I do the things I do, and continue to battle it... and battle it I will! No matter how "scary" it is to me to approach my goal weight, it is way scarier to think about being 272 pounds again. The affects it had on my health, my self esteem, my body (the physical exhaustion that comes with carrying so much extra weight), etc. are something that I can not bare to go back to. So I will consider it a blessing that drinking my water and taking daily walks are already a habit, and no longer something I have to work at.... And I will put my focus on my eating. Not just what I eat or how much I eat, but why I eat and how I can have a healthier relationship with food.

On a totally unrelated note, I have decided what I will be doing for my 14 day streak starting on the 18th... NANCYTUNBERG64 told me that her plan was to watch her sodium, and I thought that was an outstanding idea! I have ALWAYS been way over my sodium allotment, and it was something I couldn't be bothered to deal with. It was enough for me to deal with tracking my calories and all of that. So my 14 day streak will be to stay under 2300mg of sodium daily, and to cut down my diet soda to 1 can per day. Those were 2 things that I never thought I would work on, because I felt there were bigger fish to fry. But I am very curious to see how my body will react to not have to be swimming in a sea of sodium. I also think if I can cut the soda down to one a day, I could very well move on to having one every other day, and maybe get down to where it is a rare treat or something that doesn't interest me.

emoticon Edit: After much thought, I have decided to attempt to cut the diet soda habit cold turkey. Wish me luck. emoticon

Here are the articles that I found very helpful on the subject of self sabotage. If you have any information on the topic of self sabotage, overeating or emotional eating, please share it. :)

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