I've been struggling. Period. It started during the fall, which is always the story. First comes my birthday, followed by Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year's, Valentine's Day. I work a lot. I travel even more. I'm in a long distance relationship where I have the more flexible schedule. All of these factors lead to eating out a lot, no planning of food, no incorporation of regular exercise, caffeine, caffeine, and more caffeine. Don't get me wrong. I love my coffee. But I've noticed that my threshold for caffeine's effectiveness has gotten higher and higher.
So I decided that I would use the Lent season to do the following: clean up my eating, take my vitamins (including and especially the iron supplement my doctor put me on), work on getting to the gym regularly, and trying to journal my food better. Not to mention, I was going to begin eliminating the white stuff - sugar, flour, potatoes.
I felt pretty proud. I went to the grocery store, got lots of fruits and veggies, and started cooking meals. I also started using my nutribullet for my breakfasts. But then what happened? I was thinking about food and what I wanted to eat CONSTANTLY. To the point, it was making me extremely anxious. At one point, I realized that I should potentially/probably start seeing a therapist about my anxieties around food. It's really not about weight, per se, but around my relationship with food. I recognize that I also have reached my breaking point with winter, and that is one of my issues (I should probably plan on moving back to the South...New England and I are not friends). However, there are some other issues that I need to seek out help for. Along with and as a result of my anxiety, I pulled a couple of binge-eating sessions (which I haven't done in years in this point). I just felt really low and desparate. I made a decision that I would get out of the house on Saturday and not do work. So that's what I did. I took the train into NYC, and walked around the whole day. Thankfully, it was sunny and warm (in the 50s, much better than the 20s of last week). I felt much better after spending time with friends, going to the Brooklyn Museum (Wangechi Mutu = amazing), and wandering around.
So what's the solution? Well, today I'm newly inspired by re-watching "Fat, Sick, & Nearly Dead." I know that I need to do this as a long term investment in health and not about my daily scale anxieties. I made a choice that I will take baby steps to cleaning up my diet. I am vegan, but I've found my ways to eat starchy and junk food. I have clean eating recipes that I will try out for the week. And I will be attempting to journal, trying to be honest with myself about how I am feeling and doing. My long term healing will be around a graduated set of changes to my dally life. Today, I tracked my food. Even though I'm over calories, I am happy that I tracked what I ate, and I have fulfilled a goal I set for myself. I can feel myself turning the corner in a way that doesn't overwhelm me. As a stress eater, that's what is most important for me at this stage. So...here we go.