Seduction of Inadequacy
Friday, March 07, 2014
"I can't do this because....." For me it's usually because I need to do something else first. I can't buy new clothes because I will lose more weight. Any clothes I buy now will be too big. My husband needs new clothes worse than I do. (I have been this weight since last June.)
I can't work outside because ________ is dirty in the house. If I piddle around long enough in the house, I never go outside and take care of business.
I can't have people over because the house isn't clean enough. The flowerbeds need cleaned out. I'm a crappy card player. So the house stays a little bit dirty. I tell myself that's why I don't have people over or work out in the yard as much as I say I want to.
Could it be that I am sabotaging myself because I don't really want to do these things? Why? Control is the first thing that comes to mind. I have this nice little routine I keep. We lead quiet, simple lives. Would I really want people to get so comfortable at our house that they just dropped by? We had that situation when we lived in Coffeyville, and we enjoyed it very much. What has changed?
Losing the last 15 pounds....what will be so different? What am I afraid of losing control of? I still resist making the changes that will take those last pounds off and keep them off. I will be 60 later this year. It's not like I'm going to be so drop dead gorgeous men will have trouble behaving around me. Yet, I am aware that the layer of body fat left to shed frequently feels like a comforting blanket.
I know my family background with food and my eating habits are all players in this drama too. I think I am at a point in my journey where I need to ask myself the question, "Why am I not wanting to do this?" My doctors are all thrilled and content to see the needle on the scale stay right where it is. Why shouldn't I be? I think I know the answer to that question.
Whatever the reason is that I keep sabotaging myself, it has to do with FEAR. I want to face it, understand it, and overcome it.