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Thursday, March 06, 2014

Every morning I wake up. All I want to do is keep sleeping. Or the couch grabs my butt and I melt there until it's time to go for work.

I end each of my days with regret. Regret that I've let myself regain all this weight. Regret that I didn't do ANYTHING to change this.

This picture was taken in early Dec 2009. I worked hard that year. I found the secret to weight loss. In fact, that same month, I really pushed. I lost at least 6 more pounds over where I was in this picture before New Years Eve.

I would put my mind to what I needed to do for weight loss, and get out and do it.

Over the past year, I was trying. I trained hard for a race in Regina last September. But I did not loose the weight. I still haven't figured out what went wrong for me. I trained hard. I was running 5-6 days a week. I did not have a PR time for the race, but my recovery was under an hour. In fact, within 30min of crossing the finish line, I was good to go.

This is a picture of me on NYE this year. I am right back to the same weight I started this journey on in 2009. I cried when I saw this picture.

I have given up on myself again.

I became so frustrated after I ran the race in Regina. I worked hard, but didn't seem to loose any weight. I think I lost maybe 2-3lbs. When I saw the video of me crossing the finish line, I was embarrassed. I could not believe what I looked like. I'm so embarrassed by it, I didn't even post it.

After Regina I got really sick. It's easy enough to understand why I'm trapped here at the bottom of the mountain again. I was really sick. Shingles attacked my face. I couldn't sleep for weeks. There was no way I was able to do anything more than just try to rest and let my body heal. It honestly took me 3 months to get over the worst of the attack. Then it's been at least a couple months more for my body to recuperate. I've tried a couple of times to get back into fitness. Exhaustion - both physical and emotional, as well as mild injury have kept me from really stepping up to the plate.

Now that I think about it, maybe it was just my bodies way of trying to stay lazy.

Let's face it. It's easier to just melt into the couch like this every morning than it is to get out and do what I need to do.

But I have to say, living with the regret every day is not so easy.. It's taking a toll on my, on my emotional health. It's fueling a negative cycle. It's fueling the belief that I just may not be able to do this.

I know the same workout/activity can either be fun, or torture. The difference is in the attitude. Your internal dialogue.

I hate to admit it, but right now the best I can do is to stop the negative thoughts in that internal dialogue. I'm not sure I can even come up with some encouragement for it for today. But as long as I can keep the negative and self defeating dialogue out, that alone will be an accomplishment.

I know I shouldn't compare myself to where I was. It was a lot of hard work to get there. When I was on that journey the first time, I told myself every day it was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. It really was. I don't understand why in my mind now it wasn't so bad. The reality is I struggled with it every day.

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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Concentrate on the positive. Don't let a negative thing, like not losing weight, take away from what you have accomplished and what you are accomplishing. Running the race in Regina is awesome! Kudos to you!!! You did it! You finished it - THAT IS HUGE! There are bucket loads of people out there that would not be able to do it. You trained for it! You are healthier and made your body stronger by training for it. Remember, You ROCK!
    1564 days ago
    RIDLEYRIDER had it right. That voice does not go away. With work it isn't as loud.

    You have proven before that you can do it. You can do it again.

    1569 days ago
    oh goodness, I cant fully imagine what you are going through, but my heart aches for you. life has a way of getting us down. but you are strong and you can do this! start small! big changes dont happen over night. find things you like - thats the most important. AND YOU ARE MOST IMPORTANT. dont ever forget that emoticon
    1569 days ago
  • JUSTME29
    It's so hard to start, and it's so much easier not to. I haven't had the illnesses and injuries you've had to face and I'm still struggling to "just do it". I'm not sure what the answer is, but we both need to find it.
    1569 days ago
    You cannot change the past, only the present. You have overcome many obstacles, and the fact that you're still posting is a clear indication that you have not given up on yourself. You are right when you say the internal dialogue is the key to success. Taming that 'other person' in ourselves (and I've got a devilish one) is difficult, yet so rewarding. It is still a daily struggle for me, and I've kept off 87 pounds for 15 years. You see, that 'devil' never goes away completely, but it can be controlled.

    Never, never, never, give up. You can do this! emoticon vs. emoticon
    And the winner is.......YOU!
    1569 days ago
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