It's been a while
Monday, March 03, 2014
According to my page I haven't made a blog entry since 2011. That's when things started to fall apart. First the pain started, then the motivation was lost, the water and eating went back to the way they'd always been and I ultimately ended up gaining back all the weight I'd lost and then some landing me at 178. I've hidden in the background of this site for all this time; collecting points, occasionally checking into my teams, and liking friend's posts. I was embarrassed by all I had lost, embarrassed about how I had just given up when I couldn't run anymore, and truly embarrassed by the weight I had gained. I was depressed. The scale made me cry so I avoided it. I hated mirrors and did all I could to not look into them. Showering and changing clothes was a torture I couldn't avoid. I tried so many times to find a way around the running. A way to exercise and get back my motivation without the one driving force. I always knew what I wanted to look like and where I wanted to go but without the running I had no idea how to get there.
So I decided finally to make a change. It was around the new year but I refused to call it a resolution. I can't keep those and they just remind me of my many failures so I just decided it was as good a time as any. Really I didn't get really into trying until February anyway so definitely not a New Year's Resolution. I decide I would take it slow. Drink more water. Cut down on soda. That was fairly easy but it was something I had to remind myself of daily. I used to bring 4 cans of soda for me to drink at work. That didn't count the ones I drank after work so cutting down to 3 a day was a big step and taking water to bed with me instead of a soda was a big success. Then I decided I needed to get my eating under control. I started a diet call "I love this diet" which is basically eat all frozen Lean cuisine or Healthy choice meals and add fruits and vegetables. It's supposed to be like Jenny Craig only cheaper. I know the sodium levels aren't good and I'm sure they can't be too healthy but for now it is helping me to keep my eating under control.
So of course you can't just cut calories and expect that to work forever. I know I need to exercise. I know I need to make more positive changes. I know I need to be motivated. So I joined my church softball league. I started trying to coordinate gym days with a friend and I even tried running on the treadmill a couple times and testing my foot to see if it can take it. So far I have lost 8 pounds. I have set a couple of goals. Some short term like getting back in the 150's before vacation and other's are longer like the costume I want to wear for Comic Con and Halloween which are both in October.
I feel like I'm making some progress but it has been slow and I haven't lost anything the last two weeks. I keep reminding myself that at least I haven't gained anything and that if I would focus more on the water (my soda intake is slowly creeping back up again) then that would help. I keep thinking if I can get the food and water under control then I can focus on the gym. I just need to take baby steps. The only problem is I don't feel strong enough in my motivation to keep going. I had donuts for breakfast yesterday and not just one but several. I took a soda to bed with me and I only went to softball last week and the gym once. I'm falling apart again. I can feel it. I need to find something that will replace my running. Something I'm eager to do again. Something to keep me going so I can reach my goals which still seem so far off. I need something and my own desires are not enough.