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Some Late Night Jokes

Tuesday, February 25, 2014

Yesterday New Jersey Governor Chris Christie was asked about the slow pace of his weight loss and said, quote, “Rome was not un-built in a day.” In fact, Christie and Rome have a lot in common: one was built by Julius Caesar, and the other was built by LITTLE Caesar. -Jimmy Fallon

A girl in San Francisco actually sold Girl Scout cookies at a medical marijuana clinic this week. Which is why today she bought a mansion and retired. Jimmy Fallon

Charlie Sheen's getting married to an adult film star. Her parents are mortified, but they're getting married anyway. If you want to get something for the happy couple, they are registered at J.C. Penicillin. -David Letterman

Tomorrow is the Viking end of the world. Keep in mind, the ancient Vikings were wrong about a lot of things. They said the oceans would overflow. They said the sky would turn black, and they said the Denver Broncos were unstoppable. Craig Ferguson

We have first lady Michelle Obama on the show tonight. Security’s very tight backstage. Before I came out, this one guy spent like five minutes patting me down — and then the Secret Service showed up and said, “Who’s that guy groping Fallon?” -Jimmy Fallon

A new study of online dating profiles reveals that women respond 31 percent better to men who use the word "whom." Frankly, I don't know whom these men are, or whom they're trying to impress. -Conan O'Brien

In Florida there is a guy running for Congress who is 101 years old. And despite what you might think, the guy is actually quite a progressive. He wants to expand Medicare. He wants to fix Social Security. He wants to let women vote. -David Letterman

A new survey named Vienna, Austria, the world's best city. Vienna came out on top in this survey because it was No. 1 in three important categories: public transportation, clean air, and the quantity of teeny-tiny sausages. -Craig Ferguson

The Department of Agriculture is recalling thousands of boxes of Hot Pockets because they contain meat that wasn’t properly inspected. When they heard that, people who like to eat Hot Pockets said, "I inspected it when I took it out of the box. Looked good to me." -Jimmy Fallon

In Florida, a 101-year-old man is planning to run for Congress. His slogan is "Vote for me and then vote again in two months." -Conan O'Brien

Snow and ice have frozen and hardened over tons and tons of garbage. Here in New York City we call that the giant slalom. -David Letterman

There is a big celebrity birthday today. Happy birthday to 15th century astronomer Nicolaus Copernicus. He's considered the "father of astronomy." I know you're thinking, "Craig, you can't do a monologue about Nicolaus Copernicus. That was Jay Leno's signature bit." That's true, but Leno's gone now. That's why he was fired, because of all the stuff he did on Copernicus. -Craig Ferguson

Welcome to "The Tonight Show." This is the first "Tonight Show" broadcast from New York in over 40 years. I'm Jimmy Fallon and I'll be your host... for now. -Jimmy Fallon

Of course, I wouldn't be here tonight if it weren’t for the previous "Tonight Show" hosts, so I want to say “thank you” to Steve Allen, Jack Paar, Johnny Carson, Jay Leno, Conan O'Brien, and Jay Leno. Amazing lineage. -Jimmy Fallon

I had a great childhood, but if you’d told me when I was a kid that after graduating high school, I'd get to be on "Saturday Night Live" and eventually I’d be the host of "The Tonight Show," I'd have said, "I graduated high school?" -Jimmy Fallon

I’m a proud, proud dad, and speaking of dads, I’m lucky to say my parents are here to see this, Jim and Gloria Fallon. Thank you for being here. I wish we could’ve gotten you better seats. But it’s a very hot ticket. -Jimmy Fallon

Facebook is 10 years old today. You know who else is celebrating a birthday today? Eric Garcetti, the mayor of Los Angeles. Facebook and Los Angeles are very different. One was considered cool a long time ago but is still a good place to waste time with fake friends — and the other one is Facebook. -Craig Ferguson

Hillary Clinton is encouraging Hispanic families to read to their kids. She’s also telling Asian families to ease up on the math so the rest of us can catch up. -Conan O'Brien

At the end of the interview O’Reilly said he thinks Obama’s ‘heart is in the right place.’ What does that mean? That’s basically saying that I don’t think he’s destroying America intentionally. -Jimmy Kimmel

One congressman brought with him as his guest to the State of the Union the duck dynasty guy. Wild guess which party. It was Republican Congressman from Louisiana Vance McAllister. When asked why he said, swear to God, ‘I wanted to bring some diversity to our nation’s capital.’ Yes, affirmative action for rednecks! This is what this nation needs. When will white people get a seat at the table in this country? -Bill Maher
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