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I'm slipping - in a negative way

Friday, February 21, 2014

In my food habits, that is.

I've barely eaten over the past 2 weeks. Like nothing at all. Today, I'm feeing it. I want carbs and fat, really bad. All I've eaten are fruits and veggies. That's it. Seriously. Oh, and a slice or two of turkey bacon with lunch. That, plus tahini is my only source of protein right now. Like I said, I'm feeling it.

My normal day - wake up, go to the gym, eat lunch (some sort of veggie with turkey bacon. Ie, green beans with tomatoes and turkey bacon in a spicy white wine sauce, brussels sprouts with turkey bacon in a citrusy vinegar sauce, or broccoli with roasted red peppers in a garlicy, spicy white wine sauce. Snack at work is an apple. Dinner is a clementine, a carrot, and some snap peas. MAYBE something afterwards. And that's it. Seriously. Yesterday, I added some grilled zucchini with a spicy tahini sauce. Today, I added kale chips. I just attempted to make an apple brownie thingy, it worked. It didn't fulfill the craving. I'm still hungry.

I know I should eat more. I need protein, like really bad. I know I'm craving it. And the carbs. I'm lacking both of those in my diet over the past two weeks. Peanuts sound DELICIOUS right now. Maybe I'll buy some this weekend. I'm just so scared to. It's a major source of calories.

I've got to stop focusing on calories though. I don't NEED to lose more weight. I just need to lose fat. Yes, my body fat % is dropping, about 2% every 6 weeks or so. I'm happy with that. I'm not happy with what I see in the mirror, however.

I just don't understand. I'm a size 6, I'm a healthy BMI, I weigh around 135. I should be happy. My stomach, however, doesn't look happy. My thighs? Way too big. I don't get it.

I want food. I'm afraid to eat it. I don't need to be, but I am. Ugh. I hate this.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    I have to echo the words of the others. You know that you need to eat more, but if you can't do it by yourself find someone you can talk to. Just getting it out to someone close to you can help. You have so much to be proud of.
    1549 days ago
    So sorry to hear you are struggling so much with this.

    I wonder if my favorite blog post of all time will be any help:

    I am sitting a few pounds over you and wishing I was happier with my big thighs and never-gonna-be-smooth stomach. All we can do is tone up and eat clean. Please, please take care of yourself and eat more food! If you don't eat any protein you will just lose muscle mass instead of fat. Don't be scared of food! It is your fuel to build a strong and healthy (not just skinny) body.

    Please find someone to talk to in real life, like a counselor, if you find that obsessing about calories is consuming enough of your day to interfere with your life. Like you said, in a negative way. Focus on health and making staying within a calorie range a priority is not obsessing; worrying that if you eat what your body clearly needs you are eating "too much"- even if you're within the calorie range allotted- then it could be a bigger issue that you should get help with.
    1549 days ago
    Being someone who has suffered from eating disorders, all of this sounds extremely alarming. You probably don't agree with me and I'm sure you don't want to hear this, but you need to get some help. This is NOT healthy. I have a feeling that on some level you realize that. I spent YEARS of my life obsessing about every single calorie I ate. I kept depriving myself of nutrients for months and months and I lost a lot of weight really quickly, but I was so miserable. The more weight I lost, the less I liked my reflection when I looked in the mirror. All I could see was flaws. I wish I had realized how beautiful I was back then! I wish I had taken a better care of my health (mental and physical). Eventually, I simply couldn't keep it up. My body was craving food and nutrients. I started to binge. That was the beginning of a horrible cycle, a nightmare I wouldn't wish for my worst enemy. It was a continuous mental battle. Every day was a battle. I felt awful. I hated myself. I starved myself and then binged, starved and binged... You know what it's like. I wish I had realized then what I know now: THAT IS NO WAY TO LIVE YOUR LIFE! The obsessing, the vicious cycle, the low self-esteem, the self-hatred... That was my life. Looking back, I feel so bad that I wasted years of my life in that hell.

    I really, truly hope you'll do something about this before it consumes you completely. It's not worth it. I would recommend that you get some professional help to deal with all of this. You're such a wonderful, beautiful person - but if you keep this up, you'll only end up unhappy, miserable and unhealthy. I'm sorry if this sounds harsh or blunt but I just wish someone had told me this years ago when I was battling my ED.

    Please, take care of yourself. You deserve so much better than this. Trust me.
    1550 days ago

    Comment edited on: 2/21/2014 2:18:25 PM
  • LYNSEY723
    It sounds like you need to do some work to get all of your nutrients in. At this point being healthy is more important than your actual weight. If you are a healthy weight, healthy BF%, and you still don't like what you see in the mirror you need to sit down and really think about things. Remember, it is not healthy to maintain the body of a fitness model or super model. We are real people with real jobs, real life stuff to deal with. It is not our job to perfect our bodies for the viewing of the public. Therefore we will never look like the girls who's job it is to look "perfect". Keep putting good foods in your body and keep working out. The things you don't like are bound to change if you keep working hard, but keep in mind that the most important goal in this journey is to be healthy.

    emoticon emoticon
    1550 days ago
    You know what I'm going to say before I say it. This is disordered eating, not healthy weight loss. Please find yourself someone who specializes in that! You are a wonderful person, please do not let this get the best of you.
    1550 days ago
    I agree that you need to eat protein and try to fill the calories your body needs to work efficiently. You can seriously ruin your health and all you've worked to achieve if you don't eat enough for your body to function properly. Calories shouldn't be an obsession. Look in nutrition articles and find things that fill your plate properly and live the healthier way. emoticon
    1550 days ago
    You definitaly need more protein and some fat of some sort. You're at your weight goal, cheer yourself up! You did an amazing job at losing it, be proud. You are an inspiration to me. Do not let it be an obsession. Go get some peanut. If you are worried about over eating them, by them in the shell. You are less likely to eat ton of it that way. Treat and pamper yourself, and smile. Be proud, because you are fantastic :)
    1550 days ago
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