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Finding YOU while losing weight...

Wednesday, February 12, 2014

When i started this journey a few years ago all i thought about was losing the weight. I had this crazy notion that once i was at "THE" weight everything would fall into place. I imagined falling in love, having babies, looking BEAUTIFUL in the best clothing, feeling great about myself and just loving life. What i did not realize is that "losing weight" and "finding yourself" tend to hold hands throughout the journey.

I started this journey using SparkPeople back in January of 2011. I started the year at 320ish pounds and i ended the year at 318 pounds even. It was an EPIC fail. I would work out and eat like crap thinking that the one would suffice for the other. Boy was i wrong.

In 2012, right around March or April, I received a call from a girlfriend of mine that her BF finally proposed (I mean after dating for 6 years sh!t or get off the pot). I was to be one of her bridesmaids. Uh-Oh! As i was on the phone i can remember walking to the mirror and looking myself over. There was NO WAY i was going to be a bridesmaid at a size 26. So i set out to lose weight. I have a purpose this may not have been the right purpose, but a purpose none-the-less. By the wedding date in August i was down to 267lbs and a size 22. So what happened after the wedding? Like i said, i did not have the right purpose...i stalled...and gained.

It wasn't until August of 2013, almost a full year later, that i was tired of stalling and gaining and relosing the same pounds. I can remember, during this time that led up to me refocusing, that i would sit back and ponder what life should be like for me. You see i'm a pretty quiet woman. While i have some amazing friends, i find it difficult to talk with those that i don't know. It's not even that i'm shy. It really comes down to that i don't want to feel rejected in any way. So i don't go out and mingle, unless i'm going to a friends place and they happen to have other people there. I don't date - when and where would this take place if i only go to work, home and church? I even attempted to break out of my shell and registered on an online dating site. That took all of 2 months before i took my profile down. Why? Because i could see who was viewing my profile yet no one was emailing me or contacting me. I even sent emails to 3 separate gentlemen just to have silence in return. Rejection of any kind does not feel good.

So in August of 2013 i refocused and started really watching what i ate and making sure my fitness was beneficial. Funny how when you do that the scale starts to move in the right direction.

Along the way i picked up a few habits. I started running. Not fast, but running none-the-less. And i enjoy it! I'm registered for 3 separate half marathons this year (In 2013 i completed 2 HMs). In running, maybe because i had so much time to myself, i started having conversations with myself (not out loud - i'm not crazy). I struggled with negative self esteem and my conversations with that inner voice were disheartening. I mean, if i didn't love myself, who else would? I had to purposely tell myself to STOP and replace it with thoughts of the good things i'm doing; the things i'm improving upon in my life.

It's now 2014 and this year i am focusing on my weight. I'm just now at 247lbs. The weight loss has not been fast but it's all a learning process.

Along the way i had to find myself. For so many years i thought my weight defined me. I thought i was worthless. I thought i wasn't any good. I felt unlovable. I felt unwanted and alone. I would just hide out at home and eat and cry...I can't even begin to count the number of nights i cried myself to sleep. It was all so discouraging. BUT once i started PURPOSELY changing my thought process I started to grow out of my shell that i cocooned myself in. I'm still pretty shy around people i don't know, but i'm working on it. I no longer look at myself as worthless, unlovable, unwanted or just an all around bad apple.

I'm a single woman with a lot of dreams and desires. And maybe one day a man will come along beside me and we'll walk the rest of the journey together, but for now i'm loving me and taking care of me so that i can live a longer and more adventurous life.

I couldn't lose weight without losing the self negativity first. In losing the weight I found me. I'm no longer hiding behind the weight - using it as a crutch or an excuse - i'm out there, enjoying life while redefining who I am.

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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    hi vickie love i always enjoy reading your blogs as you always give so much of you away inthem,sometimes even subconciously.i think you are doing great love.keep up the good work.happy valentines day love.take care and keep smiling. emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
    1889 days ago
  • no profile photo DNJEN471
    emoticon Way to go!! You look great!! What an inspiration!! emoticon
    1890 days ago
    Thank you for sharing this! You've done an awesome job and are a wonderful inspiration!
    1891 days ago
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    1891 days ago
    Great blog! Adorable picture!
    1891 days ago
    Great blog! Your insights are right on. I'm glad you are finding success. You look awesome!
    1891 days ago
  • SUGAR0814
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    1891 days ago
    Wow, what can I say but what an awesome blog entry! I can relate to most everything you have said here. Single, almost 300lbs, my best friend is getting this married this year and I don't want to be a fat bride's maid. However, I think along with the goal of not wanting to be a fat bride's maid, I'm tired of just existing everyday. I want more for myself and out of life. Anyway, this blog was just what I needed to read tonight so thank you so much for posting it!
    1891 days ago
    As usual, your blogs are so inspiring! Good things will come your way when you least expect it!
    1891 days ago
    Thank you for sharing. I agree! I am working from the inside out...if I can find a happy me in here, the rest will fall into place as I go!

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    1891 days ago
    Great blog! Congrats on your progress. You look great.
    Thanks for the inspiration.
    1891 days ago
  • MIRAGE727
    We will fail, we will learn, we will achieve! Stay strong, Girl! You're a winner!
    You just inspired me to post a blog today!
    1891 days ago
    You should be so very proud of your self... what a great mind set. I liked how you pointed out how this is doable but if not for the correct reasons it may not stick. how insightful, and so honest. Amazing! that is what I think... just amazing. emoticon emoticon
    1891 days ago
    How awesome is that! Look at you - a runner!!! Very cool. I am so glad that you learned to love that girl inside and that she is venturing out! You look fantastic and even better, I could hear it in your blog! Hope to see you along this path! emoticon
    1891 days ago
  • JUSTME9898
    Weight loss is a learning process! What a great thing to remember on this journey. thank you for your insight
    1891 days ago
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