For 31 days of January I kicked butt - mostly. Then another 6 in February, I continued to kick butt. And then...
I set myself off into my old habits because of a few frustrations and changes in my life. Ultimately instead of thinking through them and considering an approach, praying, talking to good supportive friends about these changes, I decided to let them set me off.
So I ate. And ate. And ate. And laid around. And stayed up late to eat. And so I was tired and cranky the next morning. And the bad food and lack of sleep and lack of activity set me into a bad mood. So I laid around and felt sorry for myself. So I ate some more because I felt sorry for myself. Then I was mad about it. Then I was lonely (because who wants to be around a mad person?). So I ate to "cure" my loneliness (spoiler alert: it didn't work).
It's very much like I opted to close my eyes and walk and just assume I wouldn't fall into the deep end of my pool of pity that was filled with crapfood.
Well, it hasn't turned out so well. I let out a few yelps for help on my status when I realized this is where I was.
And my SparkFriends came to the rescue AGAIN (the shout-out is at the bottom of this blog).
I am amazed at how my body has responded to the crap I fed it after eating really well (for me) over a month's time. My stomach has hurt horribly this past 4 days - I'm talking that my stomach is ROLLING because of all the crap it's trying to process. I'm talking outright discomfort. Like I should be on one of those antacid or anti-bloating commercials. It's embarrassing what I've done to myself. After one of my crapfood free-for-alls I tried to exercise but my stomach cramped up so badly I opted to stop. So I missed a workout. And because my stomach hurt, I stayed up late. And because I stayed up late, I was tired and cranky the entire next day and opted not to exercise because I didn't have the energy. And because I was cranky, I was distant and 'short' with my family members. And I stayed up late again, and started the entire cycle all over again, for four to five days straight. In summary, I was a real joy to be around. (What am I, THREE?!?!?)
And with all the crap I was eating, I told myself that I HAD to get my five fruits/veggies in and my 8 glasses of water. I did, but it was a real chore. I just didn't want to break my streak!!!
The Monday Morning Quarterback has a great view of the game after it's happened. Here's what I'm seeing:
* I am patient with everyone except myself.
* I look too far ahead even when I've recently done great...and then beat myself up for not doing better (as if I expect to drop 10 lbs a week).
* Any frustrations I feel at home cannot be squelched by eating.
* The anxiety I feel about changes at my job cannot be made less anxious by eating.
* The discomfort I feel from new situations cannot be made comfortable through eating.
* I need to do this piecemeal and REMIND MYSELF that "today is day one." ONLY TODAY matters in my effort, no matter what life throws at me.
So late last night I told myself that I don't have to be perfect every day, but I have to do better than I have been or else I'm back to square one. I told myself that I HAVE to log EVERY FOOD into my tracker - including everything I've eaten the past few days (I use an app on my phone). I'm astounded at 1) how much I've absent-mindedly eaten but forgotten about as I continue to think through it, and 2) how many calories I've put into my body. I'm literally THOUSANDS of calories over where I should be at this point in the week. But it is my truth, and I have to own it to learn my lesson. I expect to see a weight-gain on my weigh-in day Friday, and I have to accept it. I am not expecting your pity here - I just need to tell you (and me) the truth.
And when I told myself that I don't have to be perfect, I also told myself to get back on track to do what I've done before - make one decent choice and let it snowball into all the other good choices. So this morning even though I wanted to eat a mixing-bowl full of cereal and milk, and munch on things as I packed the kids' lunches, I opted to start with a healthy breakfast. I wish I could say I was happy about it, but I did it because I had to. I'll be happy about it later. I'm still having a pity party for myself right now.
Through all of this, my SparkFriends were there. They told me to keep pushing to get away from my old self and old habits and keep going because the efforts are worth it (Thank you Konrad695). And to recognize my triggers and get away from them, and reminded me that I've been doing well and to stick to it (Thank you 68Anne).
I don't want to keep giving up on myself. I am SO TIRED of doing great and then quitting. I am COMMITTING (thank you Blessed2BMe) to be good to me no matter how hard it is to make those new good habits take hold. And I want to be aware of ME and not how much I weigh when I walk into a room (thank you Suepergirl). Thank you for always checking in on me and giving me a boost (abaker34) when I need it...even if you don't know I need it!
Each day holds its own challenges. Time to deal with the day HEAD ON. It will be an uphill battle, but I am getting stronger, and I can make it happen.
Thank you for your unwaivering support. You guys ROCK.