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self-loathing continues...but I will turn this around

Thursday, February 06, 2014

Back in November, I hit a rough patch, and I have used that rough patch as an excuse for the past few months. I've gained back more than 25 pounds and I am miserable.

I spend the entire day thinking about binging after work. I'm spending way too much money on junk food. When I go to the grocery store now, I worry about getting "caught" buying just straight junk food. I think about what I'll tell someone who asks about why I'm buying junk. I worry about my parents coming to visit and getting rid of the evidence. Who lives like this?

The truth is that this is how I've lived for a very long time. I'm not sure if it's laziness or just straight self-loathing. I don't use that language to make a point or elicit strong reactions (although my guess is that I will). I use it because that's how I feel. I really don't have much nice to say about myself. And when I'm lounging at night, eating junk, wearing big stretchy sweats and not thinking about anything except for how that next chip is going to taste, I don't have to think about how much I dislike who I am. There, I said it.

Isn't admitting you have a problem half the battle? I hate that I've literally wasted years of my life being one person during the day (eating somewhat decent) and another person at night. I don't want to be the person who would rather spend the day in bed than face the day at work. This isn't as big of a deal for me in my new job, but I still have the scars from my last job. From working with people who would rather cut me down than build me up. From working with people who pride themselves on being caring and supportive, but never asked if something was wrong when I would burst into tears. From working around the clock and not getting support from my supervisors. From switching supervisors four times in less than two years. From being evaluated in my job for what I did in my personal life. Wow...I can clearly tell that I am still upset about what went on at that last school.

So, why isn't everything all roses and rainbows? I'm still alone. My friends around my new place are mostly all parents with families of their own to think about. I'm single, and I'm pretty sure that when my friend mentioned setting me up with someone, that sparked my most recent de-railment. What if I lose weight, gain some confidence and actually attract the attention of a guy? Of course I always assume it will go wrong, he'll cheat on me, lie to me, use me (like previous relationships have all done) and then my heart will be broken again. So what do I do? I put on weight to avoid the situation completely. Who does that?

The truth is that I'm not happy with my life or my body. I'm just not happy. But I am working on this. And I have to keep in mind that things improved last year when I was living my healthiest life so far in 34 years. So, how do I get back there again? Cuz I can already taste those chips tonight that are waiting for me at home after I work out with my trainer...makes sense, right? How do I make the voice in my head that says "go to the gym, eat healthy, eventually your body will adjust again" louder than the voice that says "you aren't good enough, you'll always be alone, don't even try it's not worth it"? Last year it was easier to dial down the level on the negative voice, and this year it's not that easy.

I think I've also "forgotten" how hard it was for me at the very beginning of this journey. How hard it was to not stop at the grocery store for junk food. How hard it was to make myself eat real food every day. And it's going to continue to be hard until I stick to it.

The self-loathing isn't helped by the fact that I think I'm letting people down. There is so much pressure with that. All of the people who have supported me for so long, through my illnesses, my back injury, my moves around the country. And especially my parents. I have not gone back to my old ways of lying to them about my food/progress/gym usage. But I started this whole thing in order to give them one less thing to worry about. They don't need to worry about my lifestyle and if I'm going to outlive them or not. They don't need to worry that if I can't make healthy decisions about my food/exercise, can I manage in daily life. I know they know I can take care of myself, but I also know that they do worry about me. They didn't like seeing me weight 300 pounds. They liked seeing me confident and living a positive, peaceful life for the past year. And letting them down is really weighing on my shoulders. So, it's time to turn it around.

It might not happen today or tomorrow but I'm not giving up. I've lost a few battles, regained a lot of weight, but I haven't given up. I haven't given in to all of my old habits (still not drinking soda or alcohol). And I haven't given up on SP. Your support, love and encouragement means the world to me because you all know (to your own extents) what I'm going through. Nothing in life is easy, and if I really want this, I have to work at it. And I will. Every morning, I will fight the urge to listen to my "negative voice" and instead will again surround myself with signs/quotes that motivate me. That give me new inspiration. That help to turn up the volume on my "positive voice."

Today I am not happy with myself, but I'm still a work in progress. I will walk a half-marathon in June (already registered) and I have no doubt I will accomplish that goal. But how I will get there is still a little less clear in my mind. Advice and thoughts are always welcome...the positive ones only...:)

And my goal is to blog more often because I also know that I have to give a voice to the thoughts in my head or I'll never really deal with what has gotten me to this place. What I've done to myself, how I've handled what life has dealt me. So, who knows what thoughts will come out next!

Have a great day everyone!!
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Hey there. Hang in there. celebrate the progress you've already made instead of dwelling on the negative things.

    I understand wanting those bags of chips after the gym, hey maybe you feel that way because you are not drinking enough water at the gym. I tend to also crave salty/crunchy foods right after working out. I dunno why.

    You can do this! We're here to help encourage you!

    Have a good week!

    emoticon emoticon emoticon
    100+ Pounds Team
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    1594 days ago
    Weight loss is a journey and sometimes we take a side trip. You are wonderful and anyone who can't see that isn't worth it. You can do this...I have faith in you.
    1598 days ago
  • CIPHER1971

    Life is a marathon, not a sprint, and we all get demotivated, and in my case I loose weight, then gain some back, then loose, then gain - as long as I am generally going in the right direction I will get there.

    You have done a very brave thing sharing how you feel, and what you want to achieve. You can never fail anyone who loves you unless you give up on yourself, and you clearly haven't.

    As for walking the 1/2 marathon, I would suggest make yourself a walking plan, slowly increasing the distance between now and June. emoticon

    I hope some of that made sense. I wish you every success
    1599 days ago
    I'm really glad u did write because what Amy and others have said-you are not alone. I recently wrote a very similar blog where-kindly-people told me the same thing. The thing is if we have all these emotional issues DRIVING this shame based behavior our outward efforts to "do the right thing" (exercise track) are less than effective. In my case I'm not seeing measurable change at all.
    You are moving in the right direction by "admitting you have a problem is the first step". We have to keep reaching out and we will see change. We MUST believe this. emoticon
    1599 days ago
    How strange, it's like you're inside my head right now. I hope it helps you as much as it's helping me to know that you're not the only one. You're not sitting in a ditch while everyone else floats along being angelically perfect. I ate a whole tub of ice cream the other day and when I finished I thought "see, you'll always be fat. That's all you deserve".
    But I know it's possible to come out of this horrible self-loathing mindset because I've done it before, back when I first joined SP. it may take a while but we CAN do it.
    1599 days ago
    Hang in there!

    1599 days ago
    I think not only admitting this, but coming to realize that there are a LOT of us out there who understand exactly what you're feeling is a big step in the right direction. We binge alone because we don't want to face the judgment, we don't think anyone else will understand- but that isn't the case at all. You have nothing to feel ashamed about.

    For me binging is a way of numbing out all of the feelings of sadness, isolation and fear. What helps me to snap out of it is to stop paying attention to the negative voices in my head and to start paying attention to my body and how my body feels before/during/after a binge. I think you're on the right track in terms of blogging.

    Hang in there, Karissa.

    1599 days ago
    I've been there, to all of those places. The thought of high calorie yet oh so delicious food waiting for me later being the only thing that keeps me going every day, the soul-sucking job that leaves you in tears on a regular basis, the stream of failed relationships with men who made me feel less than worthless, the guilt and shame and worry that you're wasting your life and disappointing everyone around you. It's not a pretty place to be and I'm so sorry you're going through that right now. I wish I could give you a hug.

    Here are some things that helped me:
    1. Therapy. A good therapist can help you look at your life in a different way and give you some ideas for how to make the process of change easier. It took me a couple tries, but once I found a therapist I liked, it made a world of difference for me.
    2. Finding what you love and concentrating on that. Focusing on what you want to do instead of what you feel like you can't do or haven't done. The past is over, worrying about it won't change it, but you can change your present and your future.
    3. Forgiveness. Forgiving not only the people who have hurt you but also yourself (on a daily basis if necessary) gives you freedom. Holding on to resentment only imprisons you.

    I hope this is helpful for you, even if just a little bit. I'm here any time you need to talk. And yes, recognizing the problem is half the battle, so you're on the right track. But everyone, I mean EVERYONE deserves happiness, and you are no exception Karissa! emoticon
    1599 days ago
    Hey, been there, done that, still working on loving myself more...

    Start by focusing on those things that are under your control and letting go of the things that AREN'T...you can do it!

    1599 days ago
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