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Feeling a little more sane...

Friday, January 31, 2014

I feel like I'm coming to terms with the possibility of losing my disability a lot better than I expected. It's still really scary, paralyzingly so, but I'm making progress day by day at accepting it.

I went to therapy today. It wasn't especially helpful, but I think I was hoping for a miracle. I don't know what I wanted her to say to me that hasn't already been said or thought. The only really good thing I got out of it was a little bit of her positivity that I might be able to adapt to being out in the world again. I don't know if she truly believes, or if she's just making really sweet lemonade, but she insists there's good hope for me to recover. I'm skeptical, but I'm doing my best to believe it's possible. Of course, the negative part of me says... she wasn't around when I was last working, she doesn't know how bad it was. She has only known me since I have been living a relatively stress free life. She doesn't know what it was like... but I'm trying to tell that voice to stfu and let me hope.

Today was better, health wise. I ate a greasy fast food breakfast, but since then, everything has been healthier food at home. I made Hungarian goulash for dinner, which turned out REALLY yummy. I ate a little too much of it, but when I compare it to what I would have eaten if we had gone out instead of cooking... WIN!

It looks like I'm stuck at home for the second weekend in a row, though. We're supposed to get a "Wintry Mix" tonight and freezing rain early tomorrow. So no swim lesson again. Since that would be missing 2 out of 5, I'm just gonna scrap it and take the lessons again when the weather improves. But the bright side is that dh is off again this weekend, so we can just relax and watch more historical documentaries all weekend. That helps calm my mind and relieve some of my stress. I guess even in the worst situations, my nerdiness will still come out to play!

Hopefully I will be able to get out on Sunday, though. I wanna walk with The Buddy this weekend.

Once again, I really appreciate all the kind words, support and reassurance from all of you. It has really, truly made a difference. I don't have much contact with many people, and you guys have really been a lifeline of sanity for me. So thank you.

Now I'm off to stick my nose in my book for a while, since dh is napping. Then time for more documentaries.

Hope everyone is having a good Friday evening!

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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    You sound like you're feeling a lot more positive about what's waiting down the road - talking to a therapist, thinking about what it might be like, etc. There's a strength in there that you can tap into. Continue treating yourself well!
    1575 days ago
    Cat, emoticon I have not known you very long, but from reading your blogs and being inspired by you, I am positive that you will be able to handle whatever comes your way. It will not always be easy, but day by day, step by step you will succeed! emoticon
    1575 days ago

    Comment edited on: 2/1/2014 7:09:12 PM
  • HOLLYM48
    Glad to hear that you are feeling better about things! Just take it one day at a time!
    Hang in there.
    1575 days ago
    1575 days ago
    I am glad you are taking your mind of the SSD with reading what you enjoy. I'm also glad you are working well on your nutrition! Take care and if you watch the Super Bowl I hope you enjoy it!
    1575 days ago
  • JO88BAKO
    Hi! I think your therapy session went well. Have some faith in her. Sorry you are getting more yucky weather, it stinks! Our ice finally started melting today and it is about gone. The rest will melt tomorrow. We went to Planet Fitness to see about getting our membership going and figured out what we need to do. Think we can do it tomorrow. I want to get back to the gym. Hope you will be able to get to the pool and some exercise classes. Have a really great Saturday!
    1576 days ago
  • PROUDNM1987
    Good for you for staying positive! I am so glad you got some good from your therapy!! I know sometimes it is hard to see a bright side but there always is one emoticon Have a wonderful weekend!!
    1576 days ago
    Kudos to you for being able to progress in coming to terms with the possibility of losing your disability benefits. I'm sure it's incredibly scary, but I think it's wise to hold on to hope - hope that you'll keep your benefits and hope that, if not, you'll be able to recover and deal with whatever comes your way. I don't think you can go wrong by hoping for the best. Hoping that things will get better is what gets me through the day sometimes. Your wintry weekend sounds nice and cozy. I'm going to go lose myself in a good book, too.
    emoticon emoticon
    1576 days ago
    If the weather is ok why not go ahead with the lessons. It seems like you enjoyed them. I hope you have a good weekend!
    1576 days ago
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