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being eaten by a bear is a much quicker death

Sunday, January 26, 2014

“Nothing burns like the cold. But only for a while. Then it gets inside you and starts to fill you up, and after a while you don't have the strength to fight it.”
― George R.R. Martin, A Game of Thrones

“In winter this town is freezing. You step out your door in the morning and the whole place looks like one of those nature specials in which a guy brings a camcorder to the North Pole and then the camera cuts out and you hear on the news that he got eaten by a bear”
― Flynn Meaney, The Boy Recession

I wonder lately if it would be better to be eaten by a bear? than to endure the winter we are now.
I must confess, I havent been Sparking much the last few days. I havent been doing much of anything really.
Freezing seems to take up quiet a bit of my time.
Huddled under a blanket, with thick socks and a hoodie at times.
Trying to conserve, and yet my electric bill was still over 300 dollars.
We went to go to the new place but the hill was a solid sheet of ice and my heart sank deeper and I knew I couldnt endure this.
I cannot and will not be made a prisoner on a hillside deep in a cold dark holler.
Having to bring my car off in the event of every snow that comes so that I might not be stranded there.
And still knowing that if I do, it means walking off the snowy icy covered road and that in itself is a danger I do not want to face.
I just dont think I can do this.
I think the best move for me is to go and try to get into some kind of rental assisted apartment, I know I cannot stay in my own home and I cannot go to a home that is as cold to me as the wind that cuts thru me everytime I open the front door.
Depression and desperation have taken over the last few days and I am sinking.
I havent been watching what I eat or caring to take the time to track it.
I feel so lost and indecisive. I think the biggest fear for me is knowing that deep down I have made my choice and he has made his and that means no more compromise, because I was the only one who was compromising at all, defeated and surrendering to a life in a place I had no desire to be.
I guess there are worse things, like actually being there.
My body aches all over, I went to bed last night shivering and shaking from cold, and I feel my throat is getting sore, my ears have been infected for days.
I know that the stress is taking a toll on my life, on my health, on the food choices that I make, on every aspect of my being.
I feel broken, but I am not, no one can ever break me and that is the part he cant stand, he doesnt see the problem with my being stuck in a place that to me is isolated and dark and alone and ungiving, and I cant make him see that the very thought of it depresses me to the worst possible feeling of all.
I am very much at a crossroads.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    You sound really sad....I'm not sure if you can wing it with friends or family or even rent a room near civilization...if you don't have kids I think the choice to flee would be easy...
    2499 days ago
    You have to start thinking about YOU and your happiness. A small apartment is much easier to take care of and less stressful. Then you can concentrate on you and your well being. As for the weather, the bitter cold has been very stressful on all of us. Keeping warm has been a chore this winter. May I suggest for you to boil a pot of water and increase the humidity in your home, this will cause it to be warmer and you won't be chilled to the bones. We have to do that with our place or we are miserable and cold. emoticon
    2499 days ago
    I just want to give you a big warm hug. emoticon

    Think long and hard, what will make you happy? Really happy (and warm) and then work towards that goal. emoticon
    2500 days ago
  • GINA180847
    Honey, you are right it would be better to be eaten by a bear than living like that. Go and make the change, better to live in a tiny apartment and be warm. I have done what you are going through and never again. Good luck! Stress will do you in so do it now.
    2500 days ago
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