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MY truths about weight loss

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Sunday, January 19, 2014

I don't know how or where to begin this blog... there has been so much going on in my head lately about my weight loss, or lack there of... I just can't get out of my own head. I've been fighting to see the big picture, what I've accomplished, how far I've come... Instead, all I can see is the weight I've gained, the puffy face, the muffin top and how much farther I have to go now... I've been fighting to feel good about what I've done and who I've helped. Instead, I feel like a fraud and a failure. I feel like I've left everyone down, especially myself. That's my truth...

When I set out to do this 3 1/2 years ago, I NEVER thought I'd get this far, so I have NO idea WHY I feel the way that I do. I've already surpassed any expectation I had, so how can I feel like a failure? That's the issue... I'm NOT a failure, I'm NOT a fraud... I also said I'd never be someone who "gained the weight back." I got on the scale for the first time since the Dirty Girl on September 6... I've gained 17 pounds... It's embarrassing, but that's my truth...

I've always been very honest with myself, and I know I'm not going to see a "healthy BMI." That would mean I have to weigh less than 127... no thanks! My doctor doesn't have a problem with the goal I've chosen, and that's good enough for me. I see people posting pictures of these amazing bodies, and I know I'll never look like that, and it doesn't bother me in the least. I don't work out like they do, I don't eat like they do, how can I pretend I'll ever look like that? It's not going to happen, and that's my truth...

I knew that when I started, I was going to finish. I was going to do what ever I had to, to see that magic number on the scale. This last year has been nothing but struggles, and most of them mental. I've said forever, that the mental part of this is SOOO much more difficult than the physical. You can eat right, and exercise, but that doesn't prepare you for the games you have to play with yourself to get things done. That's my truth...

Say no to pizza, don't have a piece of your kids birthday cake, don't drink the wine at your anniversary dinner, and walk away from the cookie table at the Christmas party... WHAT?!? I have nothing but respect for people that can do that, because I can't! I don't want to. I want to enjoy my life and I want to do the things that make me happy. Does pizza, birthday cake and wine make me happy? Sure, why wouldn't it? No, it's not the food itself that makes me happy, well maybe the pizza, but it's the event and the circumstances in which those foods are present, that make me happy. And honestly, to say no to those things during those events, most of the time, would make me miserable... So no, I've not given up those foods. That's my truth...

I don't have a fabulous diet or exercise plan. I eat processed foods and sweets and I only workout about 30 mins a day. I don't feel that "high" that others talk about after a workout, and I don't get excited knowing that I have to do it. But I know that it's something I HAVE to do. The thing is, I haven't done anything or cared about anything for a VERY long time, and that's why I've gained 17 pounds. NEVER in 3 1/2 years have I cared so little about myself that I gave up. I stopped caring about what I was eating, and I pretty much stopped working out. I just didn't care that I was consuming an enormous amount of food and being incredibly sloth-like. It was kind of fun for a while... eating what I wanted and sitting on the couch all weekend... That WAS my truth...

I had no intentions of "re-starting" on January 1st, and I didn't. I had, and still have, a lot to work out in my head, and it's finally gotten to the point where I'm ready to get back to business. I've joined the gym with my SiL, and I've tracked every bite I've taken this week. I'm back to 182 pounds, and that makes me sad and a bit sick. I was 15 pounds from my goal, and I quit caring... I GAVE UP ON MYSELF. I'm done with hating myself and what I've done. I'm done not caring about me. I'm ready to finish what I started. That's my truth...

I am not perfect. What I'm doing I have to do for me, in MY time. But I also have to deal with the all of the bull sh!t that goes along with it, in whatever way that I can. Regardless of how much I've gained back, I've still lost 125 pounds, and that's something to be proud of. I'm not a fraud, I'm a fighter.

I didn't start this 3 1/2 years ago to ALMOST finish, and that's THE truth!

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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    You are so honest with yourself. Thanks for sharing. You are definitely not a fraud. You have accomplished so much and you will finish the way you want to. Keep up the good work. emoticon
    1523 days ago
    You are you and real and that is what we love about you! It does get frustrating, but you are doing great and will keep doing great! It is nice to know there are other great people going through the same.. You will find your answer... I am always going through the same thing.. Now I have this new obstacle, but know I have God, faith, friends, family, etc. As always thanks for sharing! Looking forward to seeing you some day!
    Keep pushing, inspiring, and living a real life!:)
    1525 days ago
    I'm just getting back on track and catching up with my friends. I love this blog! I may be miserable at where I am and all the progress I erased giving up on me; but, I am not done. I may be slower than I ever imagined; but, I will get there! Thank you for putting it in perspective and inspiring me!
    1529 days ago
    Thank you for writing this blog. I, too, was one of those people that thought "I will never put that weight back on again!" 60 lbs later... But I'm back now and hopefully with the help of all my buddies here on Spark I am going to make it all the way to goal this time.
    so will you!
    1530 days ago
    Thank you for sharing your struggles. It takes guts and courage to be real and honest with yourself. You are definitely not a fraud, you are learning. You will be so much better for it. Be kind to yourself. Today was my first weigh-in after coming to my truth...I had gained weight and now it was beyond a doubt affecting my health. I came to the conclusion that I have some hard truths to face and some self-reflection to do. This past week I've logged my food and fitness. But, of course it's hard. Right now I don't think that I can eat pizza or cake because I'm afraid of it being a slippery slope. I hope that someday I'll think differently. Right now, for me it is just too hard for me to go down that road. However, I respect what you're doing and wish you the best.
    1539 days ago
    Good for you being honest with yourself.
    I like to think of the weight I've lost as cinder blocks I'm not carrying around. A cinder block weighs 14 lbs. Imagine your life today if you had to carry 9 cinder blocks throughout the day. That's how much you have done for yourself!
    Deprivation leads to binging... own your choices each day. One small piece of birthday cake didn't cause your problems.
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    1542 days ago
    Good for you! emoticon I love truly being honest or I just don't feel very good if I'm not. And it's also a way to face reality and we have it in our power to make ourselves better and healthier. It's all about transforming our old into the new. I agree with you wholeheartedly that it's best not to avoid red light foods completely. We need to learn how to partake and still come out winning!! This is all a learning ground and all along the way we will struggle and fall, but we'll also get right back on and march onward...........to our goals and then keep marching to maintain our success!! emoticon
    1542 days ago
    1542 days ago
  • AJB121299
    1542 days ago
    Girl, you need to take another look at your before and after photos. You have undergone an utterly amazing transformation, and you did it all yourself through determination and hard work. What would you say to your best friend if she lost 125 pounds, then gained back 17, and was getting all down on herself? Well, tell that to yourself! Tell yourself what an amazing success you are! You hit a little bump, that's all, and you obviously have the smarts to continue on to your goal.
    1542 days ago

    Comment edited on: 2/4/2014 2:23:50 PM
    What a great blog - I just now read it, going over past featured blogs. I love your honesty! It's so hard to constantly say "no." It's SO easy to gain weight back. I admire your fire in not giving up. I think all of us who have posted about losing any weight have felt like a fraud at times. Every day has up moments and down moments, and anyone of us can have bumps in the road on this weight-loss journey. Anyway, just wanted to tell you thank you.

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    1543 days ago
    Thank-you for sharing your personal story and struggle. I am stuck right now so your words are encouraging.
    Take care
    1548 days ago
    Remember to take this journey one day at a time. You are in my prayers to get through those mental struggles. I suffer from depression and know how it can take a toll on a person.
    You can do this. You have already done an amazing job.
    emoticon emoticon
    1548 days ago
    You know what is so inspiring is the fact that you remain humble and honest throughout the journey, and for that you are far from a fraud. You are most definitely NOT a failure either. Everyone has set backs, but you haven't quit and that's the most important part. We all want to enjoy the little things in life that got us to our unhealthy selves. We can enjoy those things and STILL lose weight. I would have already gave up if I could eat what I wanted. If something sounds good. I have it. There are no questions asked. I track it, and try to make other meals better and keep going. If I focus too much on the fact that I ate something not so healthy it will eat me alive. Guess what... who cares what you eat. Who cares if you have weeks that you don't workout. I have yet to workout once and I've been back at it for almost 3 weeks. I've still lost weight. I realize that may not always happen, but for right now I'm doing what works. Every person is different, and that's what makes us all unique. What works for one person, may not work for others we just have to keep trying until we find that thing that works. Don't beat yourself up though. Enjoy the cake with your kids, or the pizza on friday nights, or the super bowl snacks this weekend. Just get back on track the next meal, or the next day. You have made incredible progress! I haven't always been completely on board this thing way back when you started, I had just started this too. Lost 30lbs, and gained it all back plus 20lbs. I know you can do it, and I can too. Just look back at your before picture, and think about all the weight you have KEPT off. Let those motivate you. Keep up the good work, you are doing great!
    1548 days ago
  • DIANER2014
    Thank you Holly for your honesty! You've accomplished so much on your journey. You are amazing! You are such an inspiration! You've come along way! You have a lot of people supporting. emoticon emoticon emoticon
    1551 days ago
    I appreciate your truth an honesty in this blog. I had to face the cold hard truth this year of gaining back some weight. The scale has been going up and down for quite some time. I felt like I had lost the fire and fight you speak of in your blog. I felt like a failure and a fraud because I had once lost 80 lbs only be back halfway back to where I was before. However, I have not given up. I am not changing my life for some new years resolution... I want to enjoy life just as much as you. I know it is hard to find the balance, but I know we HAVE, CAN, and WILL! You have always been a HUGE inspiration to me and you still are. I love that you had the courage to post this blog because I know it isn't easy! I am cheering you on to that finish line, girl! I know it is just around the corner! :) Stay strong!
    1552 days ago

    I understand exactly where you are. I was 10 pounds from goal and have gained almost 30. I have put what i wanted for myself on a back burner. to be social and to social events. Thanks for this blog it's just what i needed right now.

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    1553 days ago
    You have a great load of supporters who have said anything I could say much better. You have it in you to reach that goal of yours (your success speaks for itself)! I think this is your first step in the right direction emoticon emoticon
    1554 days ago
  • ALOFA0509
    A-men Sista!!! I love this blog soo much, I too am climbing out of this funk, and it's been a slow climb out, Keep believing and Keep pushing. You are such an inspiration to me girl!! " WONDER TWIN POWER'S ACTIVATE" emoticon emoticon
    1555 days ago
    I'm late to the party - couldn't get on the computer for a week after that surgery! - but I'm reading now and I couldn't agree with you more re: birthday parties and pizza and all the rest. I would NEVER say no to birthday cake at my kids' parties - it would feel like a slight to them. If I wanted to say no, I wouldn't go through the trouble of making sure they have delicious GF versions of the cake they want! I could easily make them a regular cake...but it feels like cheating, giving myself an "out." I mean, even before I knew I had certain food issues, if my kids asked for, say, an ice cream flavor I really didn't like, we would buy a small pint of ice cream for me, so I could still share - because sharing is part of the joy of the holiday or celebration. My birthday is in early March, so it always fell right in the middle of Lent growing up, and my mom always gave up sweets for Lent. But every year, despite Lent, she made an exception for my birthday - because that was part of the celebration, and it would hurt if she didn't eat a slice of my cake. Is that silly? Maybe. But, you know, my kids demand that their birthday cakes have no nuts (because Jason's allergic) and no gluten (for me), so it must be important to them, too.

    I've never thought you have to eat 100% clean to lose weight - and actually, it seems that the cleaner I eat, the harder it is to lose, for some reason, I don't know why. Not that eating 100% junk food is good, haha, but balance is essential! You've got this Holly. You can do this. I'm not at all disappointed in you for gaining some weight back. I know how long you've struggled. I know how long you've stayed in the same range despite trying. You've owned up to it, and you're taking steps forward, and I love that you have some people like your SiL to work with. That makes it even better. :)
    1555 days ago
    emoticon for your honesty; I certainly can relate, Holly. "This too shall pass" and what matters most is that you know what you have done; that's lose 125 lbs!!! That's a tremendous amount of weight to lose!!! You should be so very proud of your accomplishments because I am so proud of you!!! We are all here to support each other along this journey; we will keep leaning/encouraging/supporting each other. Remember we (your Spark friends) are here for you and we know that you are here for us.
    You continue to inspire/motivate/encourage me!!!
    emoticon emoticon on all your accomplishments!!! emoticon
    1556 days ago

    Comment edited on: 1/21/2014 6:53:17 PM
  • SHANTI66
    Hi Holly. Congratulations on your achievement of losing 125lbs. That's an incredible accomplishment that I would like to attain, as well. A few years ago, over the holidays, I binged on something I didn't even think I wanted and turned that "shame" and guilt trip of a 17 lbs gain, into a 77 lb gain and still more today. I never went back down in weight since.
    I think it's great that you want to enjoy life and have some pizza, wine and cake. I did that when I was slim and because it wasn't banned or my focus, I was able to enjoy it occasionally, when I wanted it and leave it when I didn't.
    What I find heartbreaking about this post, is how incredibly hard you seem to be on yourself. It's not your fault to feel hard on your self. Not in this crazy world. No blame here. I just shared a part of my story with you because I found, though maybe you won't feel the same way, that when I couldn't get out of my negative self spiral, like I said, my 17 lbs gain, turned into more than 77, because I just couldn't get over backsliding and making such a "stupid" mistake that affected my weight loss that had me back in the hundreds to back up, up, up the 200s. I don't want to see that happen to you :-)
    Thank you again, Holly, for your honesty and sharing.
    Please friend me on Spark if you would like to talk more.
    All the best,
    Shanti66 emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
    1556 days ago
    wonderful.. simply wonderful. I need to hear this too. I'm up a good 17 lbs and hating it.. and only have myself to blame. Learning to find a new balance with the foods and events I want to enjoy but at the same time finish what I started!
    thanks for the post!
    1556 days ago
  • JILLRY03
    Are you inside my head right now? Because everything that you have said I relate to! I know you can and will meet your goals! Everyone has their slip ups and that's ok! Good thing is, is that you recognize it and you are going to correct it!! Good Luck I know you can do it!
    1556 days ago
  • STAY39
    I absolutely love this blog! Thank you for sharing this with us! My favorite paragraph is the one about the pizza and birthday cake. So very well said! I feel the same way. I would rather it take me 3 years to lose my 60 lbs and not deprive myself of these foods at certain times than it take me 1 year of being deprived. I just don't feel that is realistic to maintain a healthy lifestyle. Not for me anyway. You will most certainly finish this and then you will show us how to maintain! I have loved following your journey and look forward to the rest. Thank you!! emoticon
    1556 days ago
    OMG, you could be in my head. I did a 10k at the end of October and then started to slowly give up on myself as well. I said some of the same statements from your blog over the weekend to my naturopathic doctor. Seems so much more real to see the words written out. I hope you can figure out the stuff in your head and get back on track. Remind yourself every day that you are more successful than you are giving yourself credit for right now!

    1556 days ago
  • MISSB8604
    Girl, I have no doubt that you'll reach your goals. You have nothing but love and support to get you through.

    You are an inspiration to HUNDREDS of people, especially to me. You're human and humans make mistakes.

    It's only a matter of time girl, ROCK IT.
    1556 days ago
    Holly, I have watched your progress for a while now (I am now under a new account) and I have to tell you, your story is what came into my head, and made me want to try again. You have inspired me to better my health.

    Don't give up on yourself.
    1556 days ago
  • DAWNESS0404
    Thanks for writing this blog! I can totally relate. I've never lost as much as you but I have lost and regained and started all over. Last year I lost 40 pounds and gained it all back when I spent several months at the hospital with my son. I obviously had no time to work out but I also ate like crap also! It was all hospital cafeteria food and fast food! Then when he got home I went severaly more months not exercising and still eating like crap! But now that I have started exercising again I do it but I dont love it. I try to eat better now and started tracking again but it just gets harder each time you start over. Best of luck to you! You should feel really proud of all you have accomplished already!!
    1556 days ago
  • F70176555
    Wow look at all the people cheering you on!!!

    Just stumbled across your blog and read through it. I just have one thing to say
    "You've come to far to turn back!!!!!!!" emoticon

    1557 days ago
    I think it's so very hard for many of us to keep our motivation up at 100% all the time and you're totally not alone in going through what you're experiencing right now. I've been clinging on for dear life since early fall and have felt a lot of the frustrations you've been dealing with as well. The good news is that we're still here and we're still willing to fight for what we want! I know you've got it in you to do this, Holly, and that you can get to the wonderful happy place you've been working for these past three and a half years. We've got your back!
    1557 days ago
    A little honesty is such a beautiful thing. And for what it's worth I don't know anyone who has done this and only gone in the right direction. Our weights are pretty close to each other so we can cheer each other on!
    1557 days ago
    Your story and this blog (especially this particular post) is extremely inspiring. I have a long road. I started at 248 lbs with a goal of losing 100 lbs. I was able to take 30 off during 2013, but between the holidays and a new job, I too, slid the wrong way. I have put back on 7 of those 30 lbs and for a few weeks I have stagnated thinking about how I now have THAT much further to go to get to my goal. It is truly a depressing thought, and one that I have fed or ignored instead of trying to fix. However, after seeing this post, I realize that my now 23 lb loss is nothing to sneeze at and that I am not doing myself any favors by wallowing in self pity. So, posting my new starting weight today. I may not be able to spark every day, I am going to have the processed foods and sweets that I love, but I am going to remember with every bite not to love the food as much as I do myself. Nothing tastes as good as being fit feels (at least not after the first few bites)! Thanks, Holly!
    1557 days ago
  • FUNGIRL81005
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    1557 days ago
    Holly, you got a tremendous amount of support for this blog and it's well deserved.

    You got derailed -- big deal. Now it's time to put on your big girl panties and get back to it. 17 pounds is only a little over 13% of the weight you lost. No, it's not ideal, but it's FAR from insurmountable.

    Now that you've come clean to the Spark community and to yourself, it's just time to get busy. That's all -- no guilt, no recriminations, no nothing. Just get back to what works FOR YOU, so you can be where you want to be.

    Hugs. You've helped more people than you will ever know.
    1557 days ago
  • GABY1948
    Holly, thank you so much for being HONEST! This one today helped ME tremendously. You have many of the thoughts that have been rolling around in my head! I really feel that my health is my TOP priority, after all! And, besides, I will be 66 this year so how perfect can the old body get, anyway??? LOL But I do feel good!

    Thanks for such an inspirational blog, Holly! emoticon
    1557 days ago
    You are so right, you are NOT a fraud! You have come so far. We all have times when we "backslide" (for lack of a better term) and suffer some weight gain. You've done the right thing by catching it before you got outta control (ie gained it all back) and you're now back on the right path. Way to go, and thanks for being honest. It's so hard to admit to our slip-ups in life, but every one of us has them. I gained 10 pounds between Thanksgiving and New Year and have been pretty much stagnant with losses and gains this past year...I seem to always have this "last 20 pounds" to lose! Just dust yourself off, get on your big girl panties, and get back to being fabulous!
    1557 days ago
    Thank you for this honest post, Holly. I would never characterize you as a fraud -- being so real about your struggles is what makes you authentic.

    Looking forward to cheering you on in 2014! emoticon emoticon
    1557 days ago
    I believe weight loss is 90% mental and 10% actual physical losing. I am with you 10,000%, I am never going to not eat the birthday cake, drink the wine or partake in holiday treats. I hate to work out, so I do what works for me, what I know that I can make my lifestyle. I lost all my weight by walking and simple strength training. I have shared this before but even though I shed the physical weight, I had not shed the mental weight and the weight slowly crept back on, not all of it, but, given an inch, who does not take a mile. That is why I started seeing a professional. Slowly but surely, my relationship with food is changing. I am not there 100% but I can feel the control food has had over me fading day by day. Last year I did not even think about losing the weight I had gained back, I just wanted to shed the mental weight. This year I think I am ready. But I am going to attack like I always do, enjoy my life, but watch my calories and exercise and the weight will come off, just like it will for you!!

    You can do it, but you gotta love yourself, I know everyone here does!!


    1557 days ago
    Wonderful blog! I know exactly how you feel, everything you wrote could be me (except the 125 pound loss...AWESOME!! Be very proud of how far you've come!) You have the right attitude, doing what works for you is the only way!

    You can do it!
    1557 days ago
    Holly, I have been here for 4 1/2 years. I could have written this blog - I should have written it when I started putting weight back on. But I didn't. And I just kept gaining until I was almost back to where I started. I think writing this was your first step back to where you want to be. Thank you so much for sharing! I know it helped me too.
    1557 days ago
    You got this. I'm proud of your honesty - and in the public forum... It's tough but doable - look at where you are!!! Allow yourself to be happy and proud. Kick that negativity away.

    You got this!!
    1557 days ago
    How to get out of a slide? Sometimes it seems easier to jump off a moving train--- I gained back allmy lost weight - and then some- over the holidays and I mustered the strength to pull myself out of it. Spark people and a friend were a big part of it- and I know it have to do it from inside as well. You have already figured out the hardest part - acknowledging the issue. Forever is a very long time- and that's how long this journey will be. You have made huge strides-
    1557 days ago
    emoticon For posting this. I have been doing the mental battle for weeks now and I know that I need to get out of my own way, but well it's hard. You will get to your goal I KNOW IT. emoticon
    1557 days ago
  • JACKIE15108
    emoticon emoticon
    I agree with everything you said. It is all the brutal honest truth. From my few months of ealthy lifestyle change, the mental part is the worst part of this.....then exercise and truthfully the diet and giving up junk food is no problem for me.
    You're headed on the right track going bac to the gym, tracking etc....
    Good luck!!!
    1557 days ago
  • SUGAR0814
    I can totally relate! Your truths are my truths! I gained 12 pounds over the holidays. Am I upset about it? Sort of, but I didn't do anything to prevent it, so I'm back to doing what I need to do get it off. emoticon emoticon emoticon
    1558 days ago
    Honesty is always refreshing!! Just remember you're only a failure if you give up. You've got this.
    1558 days ago
    Keep working it, Holly. I'm close to goal, too -- and have been thinking about the enormity of having to do this for the rest of my life. One of my SP friends reminded me to GET THERE and the worry about the rest of my life!
    1558 days ago
    Best wishes Holly. This is a lifestyle that we have to customize and balance so that we can do it forever. I like cake, wine, pizza...and still work it in...dig really deep and find your will and strength. I have had very similar experiences but just keeping on makes it better. (Be careful about true "depression.") it affects us in so many ways. Learning to manage.... emoticon
    1558 days ago
    You are in spiraling and you are an encouragement. It doesn't matter how long it takes us to fight the battles to get to where we want to be what matters is that we are fighting.

    You will get there in time and we will all celebrate the success with a big piece of cake covered with icing!
    1558 days ago
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