Forgiving Myself and Making a Promise
Saturday, January 18, 2014
Would you neglect/abuse/mistreat your child? Would you allow your child to sit in bed watching movies while stuffing her face with chocolate covered cherries, kettle corn popcorn, and strawberry Twizzlers for hours on end? Would you allow your child to sit for hours in front of the tv, computer, video game console - never once making her get up and move around, stretch, go outside and get some fresh air? After all, she is doing her chores and making decent grades, so let her do what she wants, right?
That's the way I've lived for way too many years. Not abusing my child in the way I've described above; I've abused myself. If I allowed my child to live like I described above, I would be a very poor mother. I've been a very poor steward of the one body, the one glorious creation I was given freely to care for. I failed myself. I didn't take good care of my body, but I felt as long as I put decent, healthy meals on the table, was a good wife, daughter, mother, grandmother, employee, etc., I could fill the empty corners of my life, my psyche, my emotions with sedentary wastes of time and mindlessly filling my body with sugar, starches, and fats that had no benefit at all. Sure, I've made tons of healthy changes and had great physical accomplishments in the last few years, but I always fall back, fall into the sewer of healthy living, so to speak. I climb out and then fall right back in. I didn't consider what I was doing to myself. I've been stealing from myself.
I've been stealing time. Time I could have been making dreams of my own come true, time that I could have worn the clothes I dreamed of, climbed the hills and mountains I wanted to conquer, time I could have fully participated in life. I've taken years of life from myself and from my family. I have a healthy husband who would love to ride bikes with me, travel with me, explore the world with me. I have grandchildren who want me to get down on the floor and play with them. I have grown children who want me to see their children grow and prosper. I don't want to rob them, or myself, any longer.
I stepped on the scale today. A new all time high weight. I've been going through a couple weeks of depression I have struggled to hide. The bariatric surgery I desperately wanted/needed has been postponed/cancelled. Any money we save and financing we obtain this year will need to go into a new roof, plumbing and electrical work on this house. I've accepted this and moved on from it...on the surface. Below the surface I've been undermining myself, mistreating myself.
Disease and disorders have rendered me unable to do a lot, but the mindless eating and the thoughtlessness of my own actions have made the diseases and disorders so much worse. Yes, weight problems are there because of some of my conditions, but not once have I been diagnosed with Hand to Mouth Constantitus - you know, where you keep shoveling crap you don't need into your mouth over and over until you feel sick and disgusted? That condition I created all on my own. I have mistreated my body, mistreated and abused myself, and robbed myself of so many wonderful experiences, despite the fact that I preach loving oneself and self worth. I do know my worth. I've just chosen to discount it for too, too long. And while I've preached never giving up and never giving in and meaning it, I've not put my whole heart into NEVER GIVING IN to careless actions like devouring an entire box of milk chocolate covered cherries in one sitting without giving it a thought.
No more. Today I looked in the mirror without blinders, with cold, honest appraisal. That beautiful, fun, happy, caring, strong, smart woman is in there. I saw beauty in the green of her eyes and the fullness of her bottom lip. I saw strength in the set of her jaw. I also saw pain. I saw worry. I saw illness. I even saw fear. For that I felt shame. I created these things in her. And for that. I've apologized. I cried. I literally sobbed myself out in front of that mirror. I begged myself for forgiveness. I told myself that I did indeed love the person I am - not just the visible, but the person I know I am and that I can be. I do not love being in this very fat, very unhealthy body, but I do LOVE THE BODY. I have become friends, somewhat shaky friends, but friends nonetheless, with myself again. I'm putting my trust into myself and reaffirming my promise to myself.
TO PAY ATTENTION. To mindfully think about what I am putting into my body.
TO CHERISH. To treat my body as my beloved child who only gets the best of me and from me.
TO BE MODERATE. To allow occasional treats in very small amounts and to learn that a little is BETTER than a lot in terms of an event or item that is out of the ordinary and gives great pleasure. Otherwise the treat is no longer special and can cause great harm.
TO BE GENEROUS. To fill myself with sights, sounds, tastes, and touches that are positive and healthy.
TO ENCOURAGE. To tell myself constantly "I can". To give myself positive affirmations when it feels like it is just too hard to move.
TO REWARD. To set realistic, small goals and reward myself in ways that are healthy and uplifting for reaching them .
TO MOVE. To stretch, to reach, to bend, to lift with the goal being to get my body into a condition where it can do more.
TO BE PROUD. To not sulk over how little I can do right now but to concentrate on how wonderful it is that I CAN do what I do and be proud of it.
TO BE GRATEFUL. To be so thankful for another chance and a body that forgives. To be grateful for the body I have and for the wonders it holds.
TO BE ACCOUNTABLE. To post monthly picture updates of my progress in a blog on Spark People starting February 1. To accept and be proud of even the smallest visible and invisible changes.
TO NEVER GIVE UP...not for a minute on myself.
TO NEVER GIVE IN...to that voice that is weak and wants to quit or to that craving for something that brings more harm than the temporary satisfaction.
I have forgiven myself for failing. I'm grateful that I do not need to forgive myself for giving up. That will never happen. Today, I begin again to rebuild the trusting, loving relationship with my body. I am MaryJane. I love myself. I am the She Beast. I believe in myself.
Never give up. Never give in.
As always, I love you all.