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Personal rant (not weight loss related)

Monday, January 13, 2014

This isn't about weightloss, so if that's what you came for, feel free to close out. I crab about everything here because every emotion tends to lead to food or exercise anyway for me. So why not?

I called my mom today to tell her that my uncle who just lost his wife to brain cancer, has colon cancer himself and having his prostate removed today. He found out about it 3 weeks before my aunt died. We didn't know about this at the funeral. My mom has been finding great comfort in higher powers since my dads passing In july(well much worse, as in putting her money into speaking with them on skype). She is also very against any cancer treatment and into watching videos on youtube about healers. I am very happy she's finding comfort in all of this stuff. But it feels like she is talking about it nonstop and she knows I don't believe in it. She picks fights with me and says "I am just not there yet... I will get there". It feels like when I was in High school growing up Jewish in a small highly religious Christian town. Kids would find out I wasn't religious and befriend me only to try to HELP me. I went a lot of years in school friendless, because of this. Because of that I have always been anti organized religion. I like who I am, you can accept me for it or walk away. Now my mom is pulling the same crap and no matter how many times I say no and we yell and hang up and don't talk for a week. She always forgets and starts up again. I have been wanting to write her an email all day, telling her how emotionally draining it is for me to call her. I hate hurting her feelings, but it's like she puts herself in the situation to have her feelings hurt. I can be nice for so long before it starts hurting my feeling that she wont stop push, push pushing. I wish I knew what to do. She keeps buying all these crazy things that her spirituality groups tells her to buy or stuff she sees online. She's an adult I can't tell her she's being had. Should I just step back and not call? I am really so lost. I love her, I wanna talk to her, I wanna make sure she's ok every few days. But it's painful, I feel so selfish and so self absorbed pushing back against her. I really hate it. I am not sure it's gonna get any better, she was into this before my dad died. But now it's like way more intense. I think my dad was able to tell her to cut the bullcrap and now she has no one to do that. Her friends are following this too. Which is fine, I am happy they have a group and stuff in common. I just bought her an urn on etsy for my dad's ashes, she still has him in a box. This is what makes me so sad and angry, she is buying water purify systems so the government can't poison her and my dad is still in a box.
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  • JWARD199
    You can love her from afar, if necessary. Take care of yourself as you deal with your own loss.
    1616 days ago
    I hate it when people try to push their beliefs on me. Especially when they find out I'm Jewish, because it's like they feel even more of a lost cause (or something like that). I try to remind myself that being Jewish, we don't believe in proselytizing, but the idea of "helping" others is part of their edict and while it is foreign to us to have it pushed on us, it is second nature to them. Not that it doesn't drive me nuts, but I just try to tell myself they can't help it. Your mother is clearly being brainwashed to believe it is her duty to "help" you.
    Unfortunately, it is really hard to break away from those kinds of online groups, as they are specifically put together to suck in people like your mom :( My recommendation? Don't email her. Go see her. Sit down with her and have a direct conversation. Even write it down for her on paper. A) you believe it is unhealthy for her but B) you're not going to force her to change, she's a grown woman and C) you have no interest in it and as long as she continues to push it on her, you will distance yourself. Period.
    That, or you just deal with it, to be blunt. I understand your fear of pushing back..I always feel horrible after I've had a "run-in" with one of my parents because I worry that that'll be the last interaction I have with them. I get it, even though I haven't been in your shoes yet. Sometimes I just let things slide because I figure I'm not going to change my 73-year-old mother...
    I just tell them I love them and visit them and it's all I can do. I primarily get into big arguments about my mom's health. She's killing herself, but she doesn't want to do anything different. It drives me insane. She's also into spiritual things, but she doesn't spend much money, although she does see a psychic now and then.
    It's a difficult position to be in..
    1617 days ago
    Maybe you can approach her and both of you can agree not to discuss any hot button issues that you disagree on? Just and idea. Good luck!
    1617 days ago
    Wow, it sounds as if your mother needs some help with, oh, reality. (Hate to be blunt but....) My mom developed Alzheimer's, one of the first signs was that she started believing all those ads about "send us money and you'll win a million dollars." People believe this stuff when they are grasping at straws to deal with whatever they aren't happy with in their life. So, maybe talk to your mom about getting a check up (just in general, nothing specific) and then let the dr know what's going on with her. Because this kind of behavior isn't exactly normal, and yes,, she's being had.

    And no, you aren't selfish, you are being a responsible and loving daughter. Sometimes we have to step in and take charge.

    Big hugs to you, sweetie.
    1617 days ago
  • THESB25
    Thinking of you today! I don't have my cell phone at work with me today, but maybe I can check in with you tonight. It was nice talking to you last night. Don't forget to take care of yourself despite feeling like you need to take care of your mother.
    1618 days ago
    That's really tough. She seems to be having a hard time dealing with your father's death and can't be that support that we all hope for our parents to be. I agree with the other about making sure to find some outlet who can listen to you non judgmentally. It doesn't sound like you are selfish at all. You have every right to be concerned about your mother and your uncle and to have someone to help you work through your own grief. Meanwhile you don't have to cut off contact with your mother but maybe cut back the calls a little bit and then when the conversation starts to take that turn you could excuse yourself (pretend you are getting another call, your dinner is done in the oven, whatever). Maybe eventually she would start to equate that subject with the calls ending and would stay clear of it after a while. Good luck and stay strong.
    1618 days ago
    I am sorry you are going through this with your mom. Sounds like she is being taken, but you will not be able to convince her of this. I wish she could just understand you disagree and not bring it up/push it all so much. I would probably call her a little less, and if she brings it up, get off the phone before you get angry and argue with her. Maybe, maybe, over time, she will see the connection?
    1618 days ago
    You don't sound selfish at all to me. You sound caring and concerned. It also sounds like you are having a lot to cope with- trying to juggle grieving for your Dad, and supporting your uncle. You need your mom's support, but she is not in a place to give it to you. I agree that you need to find someone professional or other who can hear you out in the meanwhile. I hope that you all find your comfort soon, in whatever way talks to you best, and that your Dad should rest in peace.
    1618 days ago
    I'm sorry you're going through this with her. My own mother drives me completely crazy so I can relate!!! I generally leave her alone as much as possible just to avoid having to go through all of her baloney; I'm just too busy to deal with it. That's my sad truth.
    1618 days ago
    In my opinion these people are taking advantage of your mom when she is in a precarious state - she is vulnerable and grieving. People who are selling junk like John The Baptist Steak Knifes to a grieving widow are the lowest of the low. A lot of these religious groups push these really expensive air purifiers too. I had a friend who got involved in a church and she invested thousands of dollars in air purifiers to sell to other Christians. She ended up getting taken. Is there anyone else that could talk to your mom about this? Someone who shares your views and is not involved in this stuff? Someone that she trusts? You need someone else on your side. To be honest a therapist or grief counselor would share your views. It's time to get your dad properly taken care of.
    1619 days ago

    Comment edited on: 1/13/2014 8:27:28 PM
  • MJRVIC2000
    Let your faith be bigger than your fear! God Bless YOU! Vic.
    1619 days ago
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