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Hello Rome, It's Me Calling

Wednesday, January 08, 2014

Boy, did I ever have a day that I wanted my magic wand to come along and erase years of abuse and fix my current body into one that I can love and appreciate now.

While not exactly Miss Perky on the best of mornings, this morning I awoke with lower back pain that would not quit. I worked from home yesterday, so I could not take another day at home today. Getting ready for work took about 3 times as long since I was hobbling along. I was late going out the door, so when I arrived to work, I could not park in my normal area and had to park in an adjacent lot.

The pathway was covered with ice and snow. Yikes. I had a near meltdown and hobbled back to the car to grab my cane. I tippy-toed through the slick spots, and got to work. I had numerous meetings and a piled-high workload. I was having an inner dialogue with myself to move off the ledge and try to calm myself. The last meeting was about passing the torch to one of my underlings to handle one of the current parts of my job. I should be able to let it go easily and I acted as if all was hunky dory. I am moving into more of a big picture manager and letting others in my stead do the worker bee stuff. Even when it is good, change is hard.

I am incredibly frustrated tonight. I decided against working out, though I really wanted to be there. I have a doc's appt on Tuesday for blood tests and weigh-in. I know it is only a number, but I am terrified of not losing. I almost pulled over on my way home and drove to the doc's to see if I could weigh in. I am so disappointed in myself for not getting to the gym tonight. I did not want to risk an injury.

Part of me knows I have come a long way. I "can" walk a mile. I am seeing hints of arm definition, I am staying more balanced on my feet. My rings are looser, and when I was dressing in several layers today, I realized I had on a shirt, a sweater, a fleece, and my coat fit over all of that. I am making progress but I want more, more, more.

I know all that stuff. Rome was not built in a day, and I can't expect my improvement will be obvious immediately. The expectations I set for myself are far higher than anyone could set for me. This is frequently one of my downfalls. I am trying to break myself from all or nothing thinking, and for whatever reason, today, it did not seem to be working. I am not throwing in the towel or anything, but if I did, it would have been today.

I am just grumbling to get this out of my system. I am not going to quit, but as my ability to stomp, scream and punch is somewhat limited, this will have to do.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    It sounds like you are making good progress! Keep it up!

    I know what back pain is like. I suffered a spell of it last fall that was terrible. Fortunately, I found a spine and pain clinic that did epidural shots (3 of them, space out) that completely stopped the pain. Amazing results! The doctor told me to keep exercising because people who are fit respond better to the treatment. So I continued to do yoga, do cycle spin classes, and lift weights. I did back off some of the weights as trying to lift too much seemed to bother my back, but I didn't give it up - I enjoy it too much. You have to listen to your body!

    If your clothes are fitting better, I'm sure you will notice a difference on the scale, and in the blood work. Be strong!
    1567 days ago
    we all have these days - I weighed in today and it wasn't positive, but I decided this does not define me and I'm going to keep moving forward. I know you will too, you have made great progress.
    1567 days ago
  • KMW987
    I feel you! I don't know if its this cold weather or what but I've been trying get myself motivated and its just not working. Or at least working as fast as I would like it to...
    Hang in there. There is always tomorrow!

    emoticon emoticon
    1567 days ago
    The last time I hurt my back the doctor told me to stay in bed for 6 weeks and take aspirin. Yikes! If I followed that plan I would be totally immobile in just a week. So, my kids found me a book on exercises to relax and strengthen my back and I did what I could; I tried a chiropractor for the first time; and I went to a massage therapist.

    You are a take-charge woman. Your progress is awesome. So, now that you've had your "grumble" I know that you will continue to move forward toward your goals at your own (and your body's emoticon ) speed.
    1567 days ago
    Be kind to yourself. Your body needs some rest too. Take care.
    1567 days ago
  • DLYNN1113
    Oh how glad I am I am not the only one who has days like this!!! Yet everytime I read your blog it is a note of encouragement to my heart to continue on, take another step, not give up, be patient. You have at times been a lifeline to me... so I know you will continue on, that is who you are, and I thank you for that, and I thank you for your honesty about a bad day too. We all have em... that is why we are all in this together. emoticon emoticon
    1567 days ago
    I think I love you!! You will be ok because you are amazing!!! The hard part is being on a roll and then for what seems to be no reason the brakes go on. This is a life altering journey you are on and you have gone at it with everything you are and have.

    Be confident at the doctors, think about the muscles you are getting, how the clothes fit, the next goal you have and relax and smile.
    1567 days ago
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