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Sunday, January 05, 2014

I guess I'll keep this one short. There's really not much to update on. I was forced to end the year on a miserable note and I have not really recovered well at all. Which at this point, is understandable. She hasn't even been gone a week yet and everything is still really raw and painful. I've been answering that pain in very bad ways. I've been abusing fast food really bad again, and I went on to abuse Tylenol PMs and allergy pills to knock myself out because the only time the pain stops is when I'm asleep. I guess it's safe to say I've been self destructing. And of course my husband found out about what I've been doing. He was more scared than mad, which I guess is good, but it's still bad. Don't worry. I'm stopping. I learned my lesson the hard way yesterday. I won't go into details on that because it's just in general not good. I know that she wouldn't want me doing this crap to myself. So I need to allow myself to feel the pain and just try to deal with it. I'm going to try really hard this next week to get myself up and just exercise. Exercise is good. It gives the whole body a break from it all. You know, you're focused on what you're doing, so your mind doesn't really wander around, and your body is focused on moving, so those various aches and pains caused by the emotional pain kind of go away. So, I'm just going to have to force myself to fake it until I make it, I suppose. Anyway, I guess I'm going to close this blog out. It's really dark and depressing and I don't like bringing other people down with me. So, hope everyone is enjoying their new year so far. Hope everyone stays warm with this serious cold snap from the North Pole (no, I'm not joking, that's where they say it's coming from on the weather channel). We have a wind chill advisory this afternoon and we got about another inch of snow out there this morning. Fun fun. So anyway, take care, all. emoticon
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  • INTRINSIC_2015
    I'm so sorry for your loss. I honestly agree with the "fake it 'til ya make it" policy. There's absolutely no need to push yourself too hard right now. LIGHT exercise is good for you. Just a little, not too much. Baby steps. And small, positive choices. Just make it through January, and then reassess in February. ((( HUGS ))) emoticon
    1597 days ago
    I'm glad you were able to step back and see the way you were handling your feelings was self-destructive - something no one who loves you wants to happen, including Missy. Feeling the loss is HARD, especially in these first few weeks. Good for you for resolving to try exercise as a way of managing those feelings. And if that doesn't work, you can always move on and try something else. Know we're always out here for you!
    1598 days ago
    I can't imagine how sad you still must be, but you are right, it's not what she would have wanted. I hope you can get some exercise going and find that it makes things feel a little better for a bit.

    1598 days ago
    Depressing yes, however: EVERYONE needs to cut loose. I am empathetic about your pain. No matter who you lost, when you love them and they were an integral part of your life, it freakin' hurts! But, You will PREVAIL! Half the battle is to do just what you did here.....realize, confess, let it out, and now: LET IT GO! Everyday the hurt will be a little less. As you exercise maybe you can remember good memories and start writing them down. Or blog them a memory a day. Then you will be remembering all the joy and love and laughter you shared with your loved one and sharing with us. Maybe one of those memories will be inspiring or bring joy to another. You are loved, you are blessed, you are a winner! emoticon emoticon
    1598 days ago
    I am new to your page, so I don't know who you lost, but BIG BIG BIG hugs!!!!!!
    1598 days ago
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    1598 days ago
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