4 years of my life with Sparkpeople - wasted?
Saturday, January 04, 2014
1-11-10 - Joined sparkpeople
12-10-10 Became a leader of the San Antonio Spark Team
I've been doing this for 4 years. Tracking food, learning to exercise, falling, failing, getting back up. Making friends, real friends in real life made by creating local meet ups and staying in touch. Watching a couple folks hit their goals or near goals. Seeing 100 pound losses. Seeing amazing strides. Completing my very own half marathon (walking) in January of 2013. Having success upon success and failure upon failure as the roller coaster that is my weight dipped and soared, dipped and soared.
The walk training for all of 2012 leading to the half marathon damaged my feet and legs because of my weight pounding these arthritic joints and bones on hard ground for so long. The nerves in my back which I had burned off to stave off some of the crippling pain regenerated after 7 months. I've gone through chemo this past Fall to try to normalize my out of control immune system which was ravaged by Lupus. I've gained, gained, gained all during 2013 as my metabolism and my depression worsened. I gained almost 50 pounds this year. I'm at my highest weight ever - 269 pounds on a 4'10 frame. That would be like a 5'4 woman weighing over 320 pounds.
Yes, I've wasted some of the 4 years I have spent on Spark, but I've gained so much more than I have wasted. I've gained strength in knowing I am not alone. I've gained knowledge of what is good for my body in regards to food which has taken my cholesterol down not in double digits but in TRIPLE digits to where it is now in a normal range. I've gained friends who are there for me no matter what. I've been privy to some amazing accomplishments by some pretty amazing folks. I've motivated even when I have not been particularly motivated myself.
This year life changes for me - drastically. We cannot afford bariatric surgery, and my insurance company has refused over and over to grant me the coverage for the surgery despite several doctors writing letters of medical necessity for it. My health is failing rapidly, but I refuse to give in. We will find the money somehow, someway. We are scrimping and saving and praying and doing what we can to get ourselves creditworthy for such a large loan without getting a ridiculously high interest rate we would have to struggle hard to pay back. Somehow I will have this surgery to save my life. It's almost the only way. I'm so far gone I can barely walk anymore. I want to be vital again. I want to walk, lift weights, carry my grandbabies, go exploring the wonders outdoors with my husband - my beautiful, supportive husband. I will make this happen. Somehow.
Don't count me out. I wasted a little time, but I gained so much more in the last 4 years. I learned to never give up and never give in. I learned that I am the She Beast, and that she is a warrior for her health, and for your health and well being, too. I learned that no matter how many times you fall, if you just get up one more time eventually there will be no more falling. I am tired of falling. No more. No more. No more.
My blogs used to be uplifting and informative. I'm going to get back to that. I'm also going to get a lot more active on this site and work at being a more effective leader for my team.
I love you all, as always, and hope you all love yourselves because you need to know you are worth all the hard work. Never give up. Never give in!