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4 years of my life with Sparkpeople - wasted?

Saturday, January 04, 2014

1-11-10 - Joined sparkpeople
12-10-10 Became a leader of the San Antonio Spark Team

I've been doing this for 4 years. Tracking food, learning to exercise, falling, failing, getting back up. Making friends, real friends in real life made by creating local meet ups and staying in touch. Watching a couple folks hit their goals or near goals. Seeing 100 pound losses. Seeing amazing strides. Completing my very own half marathon (walking) in January of 2013. Having success upon success and failure upon failure as the roller coaster that is my weight dipped and soared, dipped and soared.

The walk training for all of 2012 leading to the half marathon damaged my feet and legs because of my weight pounding these arthritic joints and bones on hard ground for so long. The nerves in my back which I had burned off to stave off some of the crippling pain regenerated after 7 months. I've gone through chemo this past Fall to try to normalize my out of control immune system which was ravaged by Lupus. I've gained, gained, gained all during 2013 as my metabolism and my depression worsened. I gained almost 50 pounds this year. I'm at my highest weight ever - 269 pounds on a 4'10 frame. That would be like a 5'4 woman weighing over 320 pounds.

Yes, I've wasted some of the 4 years I have spent on Spark, but I've gained so much more than I have wasted. I've gained strength in knowing I am not alone. I've gained knowledge of what is good for my body in regards to food which has taken my cholesterol down not in double digits but in TRIPLE digits to where it is now in a normal range. I've gained friends who are there for me no matter what. I've been privy to some amazing accomplishments by some pretty amazing folks. I've motivated even when I have not been particularly motivated myself.

This year life changes for me - drastically. We cannot afford bariatric surgery, and my insurance company has refused over and over to grant me the coverage for the surgery despite several doctors writing letters of medical necessity for it. My health is failing rapidly, but I refuse to give in. We will find the money somehow, someway. We are scrimping and saving and praying and doing what we can to get ourselves creditworthy for such a large loan without getting a ridiculously high interest rate we would have to struggle hard to pay back. Somehow I will have this surgery to save my life. It's almost the only way. I'm so far gone I can barely walk anymore. I want to be vital again. I want to walk, lift weights, carry my grandbabies, go exploring the wonders outdoors with my husband - my beautiful, supportive husband. I will make this happen. Somehow.

Don't count me out. I wasted a little time, but I gained so much more in the last 4 years. I learned to never give up and never give in. I learned that I am the She Beast, and that she is a warrior for her health, and for your health and well being, too. I learned that no matter how many times you fall, if you just get up one more time eventually there will be no more falling. I am tired of falling. No more. No more. No more.

My blogs used to be uplifting and informative. I'm going to get back to that. I'm also going to get a lot more active on this site and work at being a more effective leader for my team.

I love you all, as always, and hope you all love yourselves because you need to know you are worth all the hard work. Never give up. Never give in!

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Member Comments About This Blog Post
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    1873 days ago
  • CAROL5250
    MJ, you have always been an inspiration to me. You have gotten through so many struggles. I know you will get over this hurdle. I am hoping that some how, some way, your insurance will help you. Take care, and keep on keepin' on.

    1901 days ago
    You have a mountain to climb, my friend. Please know we are here and let us know how you are.
    1902 days ago
    When I read this title I was going to come on here and give you a piece of my mind but once again you proved me wrong emoticon You are the She Beast and you always bounce back. I know that things have been hard but I know that God will turn this around for you. You are an amazing woman and I am proud to call you my friend on sparks and in real life.

    You have always been there for me and this team. Always making us feel that we ARE WORTH it!
    Never give up. Never give in! (your words)
    Love you kiddo emoticon emoticon
    1902 days ago
    emoticon emoticon
    Your positive attitude is contagious, MJ - I am so happy you have been leading this team! I know you will overcome this obstacle - you are a She-Beast!
    1902 days ago
  • DEB62BIE62
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    1902 days ago
    I love your attitude. You CAN do this.. as I was reading along I knew you would say it's the KNOWLEDGE we learn here that will help us in the long run... when you need it. Water aerobics would be wonderful for you.
    1902 days ago
    I know you can do this MJ! You're the strongest person I know.
    1902 days ago
    Hang in there. I had two back surgeries and a kidney stone surgery last year and it has taken a lot for me to get back to exercising. I will pray for your battles!
    1903 days ago
    I'm sorry to hear your insurance won't cover surgery..that's awful! :( Are there any other options for other insurance for you? I heard of someone else having a fundraiser to help them with hospital bills, not sure if that's something you could look into.

    In the meantime, there is a Weight loss surgery exercise accountability group on facebook that I moderate, you're more than welcome (surgery or not) to join there. Everyone is at different levels of fitness (one even bed ridden), there's tons of support that maybe can help you in the meantime. (I didn't create a group on here just because I'm not on here that often.) Good luck!!!

    1903 days ago
    emoticon emoticon Today is the first day of the rest of your life. emoticon
    1903 days ago
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    Disclaimer: Weight loss results will vary from person to person. No individual result should be seen as a typical result of following the SparkPeople program.