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How do you go on?

Thursday, January 02, 2014

My heart aches with the loss of my Dear Gramma. She passed away in April and I just cannot move on. My heart still feels like it is breaking. I literally cannot think of her without crying. Yesterday and today, I watched the Lord of the Rings trilogy with my daughter (The Fellowship of the Ring, The Two Towers, and Return of the King). Tonight we watched Return of the King. I've watched these movies so many times and never get tired of them. Tonight, at the end of the movie, I heard Frodo say something I've heard him say so many times...only tonight I really HEARD it for the first time:

"How do you go on... when in your heart you begin to understand... there is no going back? There are some things that time cannot mend... some hurts that go too deep... that have taken hold. Bilbo once told me his part in this tale would end... that each of us must come and go in the telling. Bilbo's story was now over. There would be no more journeys for him... save one. My dear Sam. You cannot always be torn in two. You will have to be one and whole for many years. You have so much to enjoy and to be and to do. Your part in the story will go on."

I cried and cried, quietly in my chair. And again, my heart broke into a million pieces. How do I go on... How do I be one and whole for many years... How can I enjoy and be and do... How does my part in this story go on... How am I to do any of this without her? We were soulmates. There is a line in the story Wuthering Heights: "I cannot live without my life. I cannot live without my soul." Yes, I can (and do) put one foot in front of the other and go on about my days...but I don't feel like I am really LIVING. When she died, part of me died with her. An enormous part. After I give all that I can to my family, and to my job, and to my pets...after all that...nothing is left. I don't have an ounce of anything left to give to me.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Thank you everyone for your kind words. It really does make a difference, so thank you very much.
    1597 days ago
    I am so very sorry...

    All I can offer to you is that as your soul mate, your Grandma would not want you to be sad...she'd want you to live a wonderful, happy life. I know she wouldn't want you to be suffering so much. She loves you and always will be a part of your heart.

    I know what I said is not easy to do...just something to think about when you're feeling down.

    1598 days ago
    Dear Sparking Friend,

    I'm so very sorry to hear about your loss.. know that your reaction is natural.. There is no right or wrong time frame for grieving. Feeling sad, frightened, or lonely is a normal reaction to loss. Grieving I know comes in unexpected waves and is very personal and different for each person.

    The grieving process takes time. Healing happens gradually; it can’t be forced or hurried.

    So be very good to yourself now..

    Thank you for sharing with us about your loss..

    I think about death often (both of my parents are so near that stepping off place & it terrifies me).

    Since you are a 'Lord of the Rings' Fan this comes from ¯ J.R.R. Tolkien

    “I will not say, do not weep, for not all tears are an evil.”

    I recommend the following book in an attempt to help you get through:

    'Conquering the Mysteries and Lies of Grief' by Sherry Russell

    Love to you this day Sparking friend,

    (from 'Go the Distance' team)

    I added you as a friend today.. hope that is ok.

    1598 days ago

    Comment edited on: 1/4/2014 12:31:25 PM
  • KITT52
    1599 days ago
    Blessings to you.
    1599 days ago
    My dear, dear friend. I so want to wrap you in my arms and hold you. Keep your Gramma with you every day in every way. Let her spirit live in you. Talk to her and listen for her answers.Hear her voice. When you are doing anything from dishes to your job, let her guide you and ask her to help you finish it. Listen to her when she praises you for a job well done. You know what she is saying, you can hear her and see her. Snuggle with her when you are alone and feel her warmth and love. She is within you now and always. Do not consider her gone, consider her part of who you are and of how you live your life. Do not be afraid.

    Also, I would suggest to that grief counselling is something for you to consider. Most churches, doctors, hospitals and social programs offer free counselling and I know many people who have found peace and understanding in these sessions.
    Remember that I am always here, your friend, to share with or to cry with. I will not leave you alone and will support you all that I can.
    You have the rest of your life to live and I know your Gramma does not want you to be so sad. Take her with you wherever you go and share your life, moment by moment with her. Hear her love and praise for living your best life.

    Hugs and Love,

    Gini emoticon emoticon
    1599 days ago
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