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"Holy long walk for a short drink of water"

Tuesday, December 31, 2013

This is something I have been thinking a lot about lately. I am 28 years old and I don't feel like I completely know or understand who I am. I also don't know exactly who God wants me to be. It is something that I have been asking him about regularly in my life.

Tonight, I turned on spotify and really thought about who I was. I decided, based on a suggestion from an article that I read on here, to listen to some music. I was a musician for many years. Music was my life and passion. I had planned on being a music teacher so that I could share that passion. Well...that's not what happened. I came home from college, one semester in, crushed. My passion was crushed by classes that really weren't necessary. I kind of threw music aside. I haven't played the piano, sang publicly, or danced in about 8 years.

As silly as it sounds, turning on spotify reminded me of this. I turned on a Michael Bublé station. The second song that came on was by Jamie Cullum. I LOVED him back in the day. I LOVE jazz music, old school Jazz. Like Ella Fitzgerald, Rat Pack and Bing Crosby music. I loved it so much so that I always said I was born in the wrong era. I love old school musicals like Going My Way, Singing in the Rain, and Brigadoon. The Wizard of Oz is a love and huge part of my childhood. My dad and I still watch White Christmas together every year. I realized tonight that this was a wound and HUGE part of me that had never healed. It is something that has eaten at me for years. I NEED music. Now, I know that music is a universal language that everyone loves, in their own taste and style, but this used to be my greatest passion. I used to never ride in the car without some type of my choice music playing. I never listened to the radio. I just put this all in a box of hurt and locked this passion and talent up for years. It has slowly been coming back to me.

A student of mine (yes I did eventually become a teacher, not a music teacher, but still a teacher none the less) is a dancer and I see her passion. She has the same passion that I used to have. Lately, she has been encouraging me to take a dance class for adults. This has had me thinking about my passion. Maybe I am so unhappy and don't know who I am any more because I let go and such an all consuming passion. Maybe this is God helping me heal and leading me back into performing. I am praying for healing. These wounds that were created, are wounds that have been hidden away deeply for years and I think contribute to my self esteem issues. I think I need to add music back into my life. More then I ever realized.

Holy long walk for a short drink of water right? The entire point of me writing this was to confess something that has been eating me lately. That's for an entire other post though. I have been thinking a lot about the, "what's eating me?" portion of my lifestyle because I believe this is the root of all my health and wellness struggles.

This was a huge epiphany for me.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • DIANE7786
    God seldom answers our prayers as quickly as we would like, if at all. Maybe a music degree was not His plan for you. That's okay. You have a good job. Now you can feed your passion! Here are a few suggestions. Take the adult dance class your student suggested as well as music and singing classes. Volunteer to entertain at a nursing home or senior center. Join a community theater. Google "adult summer camps" and spend your summer with like minded people. I hope you find something you love.
    1907 days ago
  • ZRIE014
    sit down and write out all the ideas of what you want to be and accomplish. then determine which one you can accomplish. then write out plans to accomplish each one and see what you might be.
    1907 days ago
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