"Holy long walk for a short drink of water"
Tuesday, December 31, 2013
This is something I have been thinking a lot about lately. I am 28 years old and I don't feel like I completely know or understand who I am. I also don't know exactly who God wants me to be. It is something that I have been asking him about regularly in my life.
Tonight, I turned on spotify and really thought about who I was. I decided, based on a suggestion from an article that I read on here, to listen to some music. I was a musician for many years. Music was my life and passion. I had planned on being a music teacher so that I could share that passion. Well...that's not what happened. I came home from college, one semester in, crushed. My passion was crushed by classes that really weren't necessary. I kind of threw music aside. I haven't played the piano, sang publicly, or danced in about 8 years.
As silly as it sounds, turning on spotify reminded me of this. I turned on a Michael Bublé station. The second song that came on was by Jamie Cullum. I LOVED him back in the day. I LOVE jazz music, old school Jazz. Like Ella Fitzgerald, Rat Pack and Bing Crosby music. I loved it so much so that I always said I was born in the wrong era. I love old school musicals like Going My Way, Singing in the Rain, and Brigadoon. The Wizard of Oz is a love and huge part of my childhood. My dad and I still watch White Christmas together every year. I realized tonight that this was a wound and HUGE part of me that had never healed. It is something that has eaten at me for years. I NEED music. Now, I know that music is a universal language that everyone loves, in their own taste and style, but this used to be my greatest passion. I used to never ride in the car without some type of my choice music playing. I never listened to the radio. I just put this all in a box of hurt and locked this passion and talent up for years. It has slowly been coming back to me.
A student of mine (yes I did eventually become a teacher, not a music teacher, but still a teacher none the less) is a dancer and I see her passion. She has the same passion that I used to have. Lately, she has been encouraging me to take a dance class for adults. This has had me thinking about my passion. Maybe I am so unhappy and don't know who I am any more because I let go and such an all consuming passion. Maybe this is God helping me heal and leading me back into performing. I am praying for healing. These wounds that were created, are wounds that have been hidden away deeply for years and I think contribute to my self esteem issues. I think I need to add music back into my life. More then I ever realized.
Holy long walk for a short drink of water right? The entire point of me writing this was to confess something that has been eating me lately. That's for an entire other post though. I have been thinking a lot about the, "what's eating me?" portion of my lifestyle because I believe this is the root of all my health and wellness struggles.
This was a huge epiphany for me.