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Fighting for the me I'm supposed to be

Tuesday, December 17, 2013

I began this journey at 382.2 pounds in Nov. 23, 2011. I thought then my weight had reached it’s highest point and that never again would I weigh so much. I was wrong. Inspiration to lose the weight had taken me like a whirlwind after a loved one was diagnosed with small cell lung cancer.

I wanted to walk in a Relay for Life as an expression of gratitude for the care given to my loved one during treatment. Unfortunately, the realization hit me that this one thing I felt was my duty to do, I could not do. Grateful for the life of this loved one who survived because of the care of skilled doctors and nurses, and the help of organizations that made that care possible, I feel like I need to do this. It’s time to give back.

I thought this motivation would be enough to change my life, but after losing 57 pounds by the first part of 2013, I lost sight of my goal and gained everything I had lost and then some.

Feeling defeated, my weight just kept climbing, all the way to up to 411.6 pounds in Dec. 2013.

I’m starting over again. Revisiting old goals. Rewriting my story, as I am doing now on my SparkPage, and it has brought tears to my eyes.

I remember not being able to easily walk across a room without pain and struggling when I started my journey in 2011. I remember the emotional pain of nearly losing someone I care deeply about and am not ready to let go of, and I remember the overwhelming love and gratitude that initially buoyed me towards a goal worthy of achieving – walking in the Relay for Life.

I never achieved that goal.

But my story is not over.

I am not finished.

I will achieve my goal.

I need a little help. Gathering my support around me, I’m back on SparkPeople, I’ve returned to my TOPS (Taking Off Pounds Sensibly) meetings, I’m back in the pool for aquatherapy. My doctors support my goal and so does my family. I’m enlisting the help of those who will listen, anyone who can help.

This weight is too big for me to carry alone.

But as a part of a community, more of whom care than I probably could imagine, I will be able to achieve this goal.

I have to achieve this goal. I was meant to achieve this goal.

I’m starting once again, much like I was before in 2011, with pain and difficulty walking. I huff and I puff at the slightest exertion. The simple task of taking care of myself has become so daunting that I fight everyday to not succumb to failure.

The one thing that keeps me going, even through the imperfect times is that I know that these difficulties are only temporary. Once again, I will start getting lighter on my feet and I’ll be able to do things I couldn’t do before.

I can hardly wait. It’s time for change and I’m ready for it.

Join me on this journey, it’s going to be exciting.

I can feel it already. Something’s changing!

NOTE: Restarting my journey, I've rewritten the story which appears on my SparkPage. The above blog post is what I've written.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • PGHP31CK
    Cheering you on, as you reboot your journey. You CAN do this, and we're here with you!! I'm looking forward to hearing about your progress.

    1645 days ago
    Lorelei, it takes courage to post about your journey. Glad you're seeking & receiving support via a variety of sources.
    1645 days ago
    We are definitely in this together. We all know there are no "quick fixes". As we all know, sometimes the journey is filled with rocks, boulders, high water, u-turns, canyons and blizzards!! The whole journey is a learning process including the "bad parts". Bless you for getting back on the path. Reach out for help whenever you need to.....that is why we are all here.

    1646 days ago
    I just looked at your photos. You appear strong, and truthfully you should be. Carrying that weight is exercise. You also appear psychologically strong. I know that is not really a judgment that can be made based on some photographs, but I am coloring it with my own experience. My top weight was about 85 lbs. lower than yours, but some of the statements you have made in your blogs, have me identifying with you. "Failure" is practice for success. I think you have the strength you need to succeed and although I may not comment on all your blog entries, I do read them and I do want to see you win this. Here is a suggestion to get you restarted. Get more SparkFriends. Just start reading the most recent blog posts and commenting when you think you might be able to make a contribution. Lots of people put their souls into their blogs and appreciate it when they get a considered response. Some of those people will reciprocate and you will get a corps of people who will engage in mutual support. PM the friends you already have and ask them to reengage. Then change your weight goal to an interim goal. Reach that and set a new one. It's much less daunting that way. If you read my SparkPage, you know I got a kick off with surgery, but I have really learned a lot since then and I think that I can offer valid suggestions and support to people who choose to rely solely on healthy eating and exercise for their weight loss.
    1646 days ago
  • TIGER_LILY_613
    Hello Lorelei. Good luck on your new journey. It sounds like you have a really great support system at home. I'm certain you'll get a lot of support here on Spark too, because we're all in this together! We're rooting for you as you work towards a healthier and happier future.
    emoticon emoticon

    1646 days ago
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