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Creating Beautiful : Struggles with Infertility

Friday, December 13, 2013

If you get defensive or offended easily than this is not the blog for you. I just needed to get this out of my head for a while now and it's finally coming to words I can express.

I am not sure why but tonight I just have this overwhelming feeling of sadness. I feel so down and out. I feel like a good cry is in the near future but the tears just won’t come to me. I think it might have something to do with going to the women’s care office today for blood work. I’ve been having a tough time seeing all these pregnant women. I can’t help but to feel depressed for a while afterwards. Luckily I wasn’t in the waiting room long before the nurse called me back. I got 4 full tubes of blood drawn to check hormone levels at this point in my cycle [day 3]. Didn’t take long at all and then she gave me the paperwork for next week Thursday’s HSG. Just have to get the prescription filled to take the night before and pick up some Aleve for the day of before the test. I’m trying not to think about the test as I have heard it’s painful but I am looking forward to knowing the results. I don’t care what people say or think, I am doing this for me because it’s something *I* need to do for myself. Money really has no factor for me when it comes to something like this. I hear people say that they would do anything it takes for their kids, well the same applies here.

I think part of the reason why I struggle too is because people always seem to have something to say about pregnancy, kids, money, testing, etc. Hearing that I will have kids eventually isn’t helping, and neither is telling me that I shouldn’t have a kid right now because I’m overweight, don’t have a good job, enough money, a house of my own, because I’m in therapy…..need I say more? I am having a hard time dealing with these conversations because nothing I say can make people realize what it’s like to feel this way. I feel broken, hurt, and unloved and that is just the surface. Try going to therapy and explaining yourself when your therapist either has kids (past therapist) or is a male and has no clue (one I currently see). Try explaining why you turn to cutting yourself to take the pain away to someone who could never come close to understanding. Yeah, go ahead and tell me that I have only been trying for 19 months and that you know someone that has been trying for way longer. Does it really matter when each month feels like the same roller coaster of emotions no matter how long we have been trying? What about the feeling of wanting a baby since you were 6 years old, but yet living life according to your faith and waiting until marriage to even think about sex? Shows that a person can do all the right things and it doesn’t even matter. Oh yeah, and the anger that comes when I watch a movie with any sort of pregnancy. I mean, because it’s SO realistic for a woman to get knocked up the first time she has sex. Good to know that we have such realistic ideals in this world.

I’m just so sick of pretending that everything is okay because it’s not okay. I am not okay. My therapist may think I am but clearly I’m not. And the problem lies that I am not sure of how to fix it, short of getting pregnant and having a baby. But then I get from some that having a baby is not going to help my situation. Oh really, and how would you know that? Pretty sure I’m the only one that can determine that on my own. So thanks, but no thanks.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    My heart goes out to you and I am glad you talked about it. Somethings are just to painful to hold back.

    I know when I was 2 or 3 weeks away from giving birth to my 9lb 10 baby boy that he died in my womb. For weeks and weeks I was grieving inside and wanted others to ask me about Him; but they were so afraid of making me cry. I did anyway, and I just needed to share my dreams and thoughts about him.

    So hon., you share when you are hurting; there are others who feel the pain you are going through.
    I will be praying for you to have that little one day. Jeremiah 32:27 Behold, I am the LORD, the God of all flesh; is there anything too hard for me. emoticon
    1647 days ago
    Hugs. It is so hard going thru miscarriage. Allow time to grieve. When you learn you are pregnant, you see beyond an infant to a toddler, a young child, a teen and even an adult. So often the woman/couple grieve in isolation.

    Issues relating to fertility can be aggravating. I recall thinking when my period was late that surely this time I was pregnant. You are wise to do all you can.

    1648 days ago
    I haven't been through it, but I did watch my daughter go through it. Watched her friends get pregnant the same time she did and they were all so excited! by the 6th week of her pregnancy, the DR.'s were ACTING STRANGE. She knew something wasn't right. Then seeing her friends have baby showers and their children being born, while she discovered her internal deformities. I cried daily for her! I would be in college and overwhelmed with grief with no way to see her for weeks. The day came she was told the baby inside of her was dead. Keep your faith, dear one. She never gave up! The loss the entire family felt while she struggled with this was overwhelming at times. I wanted her to stop trying because it hurt so badly to watch her struggle! She swore she never would. She came to know JESUS through the struggle.
    Avalyn was born within the same year!
    Abraham and Sarai were promised children in the Old Testament. He was 95 and she was 85 when they finally conceived!
    God can open wombs! I've seen it many times both in the word of GOD and in life.
    My sharing this may not help you but it did help me to share it. I never thought while we were going through this that we would heal. Still at times ahe gets confused as to why women all over the world have unwanted pregnancies and abortions, or lots of kids and they are addicts!

    I am praying for you!
    1649 days ago

    Comment edited on: 12/14/2013 9:58:06 AM
    When I was in my late twenties, my period disappeared (for over a year) and through countless gyno visits and tests, I was told that it would be 'difficult' for me to have kids, and not without fertility treatments. It was at a time in my life that I didn't even have a boyfriend much less someone I wanted to create a child with, my education wasn't complete, nor was I even sure I wanted kids ever much less then....but I was DEVASTATED. I seriously cried for days straight, inconsolable, much to the confusion of my friends and family that 'never really thought I wanted kids'? I found it so difficult to articulate my feelings- that whether or not I ever wanted the kids WASN'T the point! The point was I didn't have a say in the matter, that what is normally a 'given' just by being a relatively healthy female, wasn't a 'given' for me.
    I get your depression and struggle and hurt, and even anger. I hope you find peace tonight, and that leads to peace tomorrow, and the next day... that's all you can do is take care of yourself and take it day by day.
    1649 days ago
  • MARYBETH4884
    emoticon you'll be in my prayers as you wait for results and continue to test!
    1649 days ago
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