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December's Harsh Reality

Tuesday, December 10, 2013

For me the month of December has always been that month where a black cloud tends to hover right above me...never quite pouring down on me but just dark enough to feel its presence. Let me explain...more so for me than any reader out here. Sometimes it's just easier for me to write things down, somewhere that i can go back on a later date and's easier for me to capture why i feel a certain way when i write it all down...i need it to stare me in the face to truly understand it.

In my heart December is the month where family gets together old and young, new and well seasoned. We come together to celebrate with one another over drinks and good food. Maybe that's what my heart has always longed for because it's not at all what i've ever had.

Growing up we always had gifts but they came at a hefty price. My dad was an alcoholic and my mother was a stay at home mom. He's often get his paycheck, cash it and go out drinking. How did i know this? They rarely hid anything from us - i mean they didn't cover up their screaming matches or fights - by fights i mean they'd both walk away with hair pulled out or black eyes. As a kid what did i know...i thought this was the norm.

Sure, we'd always have a tree with gifts underneath it all wrapped up in shiny paper...but what was under the tree was not anything i ever really wanted. The games were nice. The dolls were adorable. But what i wanted you couldn't wrap up.

Even as a young kid i remember wanting things like a hug from one of them. I wanted to hear my dad say he loved me.

dammit...even typing this i have to pause because i refuse to cry about it.

I wanted security. I wanted to know that things were going to be ok. I wanted to feel safe. But growing up that's not what i ever received.

My first memory that i can recall happened around Christmas. I was somewhere in the rang of 3 to 4 years old. My dad was drunk...again...and my mother refused to allow him in our apartment. How do i remember that at such an early age? Because of this...regardless of how hurtful he was, he was still my daddy. What little girl didn't want their daddy's love? Anyways, he stopped pounding. My brothers and i went into a bedroom and started to watch tv when all of a sudden my dad jumped through the window from the fire escape. Glass went everywhere. My younger brother, being about 2yrs old started screaming due to all of the noise. I remember watching my dad pick him up and throw his across the room...THUMP was the sound as his little body hit the wall and slid to the floor. My older brother being about 10yrs old grabbed me by the hand and my little brother who was screaming (thankfully not dead looking back at it when i was older to fully understand what happened and what could have happened) and took us to a neighbors place while my parents fought. This was common. It was normal.

Fast forward to my being married. I was with him for a total of almost 10yrs. I THINK we spent about 4 of those Christmas's together. The others? There was always some, he would pick a fight and storm out (i don't yell so it was basically him screaming for no reason like a fool and storming out). Looking back he went to spend Christmas with one of his girlfriends.

If i go back to Chicago during Christmas i spend it with one of my closest girlfriends and her family. But her husband likes to make snide comments about how i'm not really family.

The month of's that month that i aim to just get through and survive. It's my "gloomy" month. I guess it really starts at Thanksgiving for me, but...

Every year I look at December and it reminds me of everything that i don't have...

I don't have family...i don't have children...i don't have someone to tell me that they love me...I still wish for that hug from someone...I still want that sense of security...i want to know that everything will be ok...I want to feel safe.

December...that month that seems to showcase all of my dreams that are still floating around out there unanswered and not to be seen...

I don't walk around looking or acting depressed. Quite the opposite. I'm the one that gives EVERYONE a card and some small gift. I want others to know that someone is thinking about them. I try to make so many others feel special. I never know when or if someone out there feels the way i do and i want to place a smile on their faces...even if on this side of heaven i may never realize it.

I'm typically great with words of affirmation. I love to tell people just how special they are and what great accomplishments they have made, because what if i'm the ONLY one that has ever said it to them? If i love someone, i'm not scared to say it or express it...the down fall of this...the ONLY downfall is that my heart gets crushed when i never receive it in return.

Why are people so afraid to be loving and caring? Sometimes just a simple hug can make someones day be the shining star in their ever dark world...sigh...

this woman will continue to hope for what she wants, but in the mean time i'll continue to love and care for others without reservation...

Oh December...we are half way through...
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    My goodness, girl, you have a gift with words. Each an every word and sentence was just filled with such power. You might seriously consider writing. You should write children's books. Sorry, I know that's random, but you'd really be amazing at it.

    Big hugs to you...I do believe that the best of things are worth waiting for (well, that's what I try to tell myself). You'll find everything you're looking for, I know it. It just may not be exactly what you expected.
    1898 days ago
  • SURF@723
    (((HUGS)))) Hope you felt it because you are loved....have not met you in person but know we would be life long friends.
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    1898 days ago
    You sound like such an amazing person! And your family is that huge group of people that you are reaching out to help every day. Keep going! Keep touching the world! You are getting closer to your dreams every minute....
    1899 days ago
    Oh, Vicky! You're such an amazing person! Your friend's husband sounds like he doesn't understand the meaning of "family" is whoever you claim as your own.

    I'm sorry you have such a hard time with December. You've come through so much, and you're such a wonderful person.

    Don't ever change, Vicky. emoticon
    1899 days ago
    hi viicky love.first emoticon to contradict you love you do have a family,just not the family you would have liked to have.but you do have one and because you have the family you had it has made you the person you are today and though you may not see it that way i am for one glad to kow you and call you a friend even if i may never actually get to meet you in person i am still glad to know you.we all at some point or other in our lifes have had things that hurt or effect us in one way or another .it is not so much the things that happen to us but how we deal with them that makes the differance .you have to learn to forgive your parents for what they did to you as a child and accept them how they are so you can move on.sometimes we can be lonely in a room full of people or even be totally alone and not lonely.when we think about it loneliness is actually a state of mind which doesn´t help much when we are feeling lonely but knowing that makes it easier to do something about it.if we celerbrated christmas i would say to you come and celerbrate it with us.what have you actually planned for this christmas love?maybe you could ask at the local orphanage if there is one if you can invite one or two kids to you over christmas time so they can celerbrate in a family situartion or ask at the local old people home if there is anyone there that will be alone for the christmas time and invite them for christmas dinner or go there for a out in a soup kitchen.seeing that there are people in the same or worse condition than you can make you feel not so lonely and even had your older brother that tried to protect you from your family by taking you do a neighbours house.maybe phone him up to thank him.just a few suggestions or get totally away from it by going to a singles holiday.maybe not concentrate so much on christmas itself but on the new year ,make plans for how you want the next year to go,plan workout schedule,plan dinners in advance.look for new recipes or find ways to tweak up old recipes.look at how far you have come and be proud of it like i am proud of you vicky love.know i am always here for you no matter what time and day.are you on skype by the way?if sop you can give me youir skype address so i can friend can also share email and home addresses with me so i can write occassionally to you or send you an ecard like i do betty and mary i say know you are not alone.take care and keep smiling emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
    1899 days ago
  • KIMMIG133
    Awww Vicki can I just say that you must be one of the sweetest most caring people that I have been fortunate enough to "meet"?? You are a wonderful person inside and out!!!

    1899 days ago
  • SUGAR0814
    1899 days ago
    Praying for you! Funny, how I was thinking about you when I was at the gym earlier, how you were so strong going through those workouts and losing all that weight, winning those medals, and then being so happy you accomplished those goals. Thinking of you and your previous blogs (like your races, etc.) made me push myself further on that treadmill today.

    Just wanted to let you know that you are not alone when it comes to these sorts of feelings during the holidays. I'm an only child on my mother's side, and that's the side I am with most of my life, so I know the loneliness during the holidays.

    Keep doing what you are doing, loving others, because all of that will be returned to you in ways you wouldn't expect it. Plus, with so many uncaring people around the world, who would want to be like them? I'd rather be the loving person who reaches out; I think what you have is a gift! There is that saying that we can't give what we don't have. Maybe a lot of those people you've encountered just never received those affirmations or love, and you being in their life, you're pretty much that channel of grace.

    God bless you Vicky! Hang in there! The real spirit of ANY holiday is love, not just food, drinks, decorations.



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    100+ Pounds Team
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    1899 days ago
  • SONORA4475
    You made me cry too!! You are such a strong, inspirational woman!! Keep the faith, December can only get better!!!
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    1899 days ago
    emoticon It's amazing you're as sane and loving as you are.
    1899 days ago
    I'm so sorry you had to go through all of that. This made me cry.
    Sending you huge emoticon !!!!
    1899 days ago
    I just heard a story on K-LOVE radio today about a girl who posted a Craigslist request to borrow some loving family for a few days at Christmas. She was amazed with the response. She had tried hiding her personal pain of a disappointing family. She has since started a ministry that focus on allowing an opportunity for others to share their past and current pain points over the holidays. I really like listening to the nationwide radio station that ALWAYS has encouraging message. Check it out:

    fe has been hard for you and none of it was deserved. It sounds like you are making your own best imprint of love onto the lives of those people that matter to you. That changes the world going forward and for you, too. Be blessed.

    1899 days ago
    emoticon Sweet girl.
    1899 days ago
    Oooooooh! Can you feel it? I'm sending you a warm hug!!! Sometimes it seems the Holidays bring out the worst in some people. I'm with you, continuing to love without reservation. December will soon be gone..... emoticon emoticon emoticon
    1899 days ago
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