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Why do I keep trying?

Monday, December 09, 2013

I'm tired. Tired, drained out, fed up. Is it worth it any more?

It seems like, except online, people only notice me when they want something from me. Aside from that I don't exist. Except for my son, anybody I've ever known in person who said they loved me lied to me. They only wanted me for what I could do for them, what they could use me for. Aside from that, it's their privilege to abuse me in any way that amuses them or to ignore me entirely.

Sixty years of fight to get -- where? Here?

Okay, I'm waiting for someone to tell me I'm whining, that I need to "count my blessings." Yes, I have a car. I have to pray to it to get it started in the morning, and I'm just waiting for it to die. Yes, I have a job. People talk about careers and vocations and being happy in your work. That's never been a factor in my life. I work because I have to, at a job where I never know if I'm the superstar or the cause of the department's every problem.

I feel like I'm a fat, bloated, ugly, useless blob. I hide from the world because I've been judged and stepped on so many times, and not just for my size. People ridicule for my intellect, my tastes, even my ethnicity. But my weight gives them carte blanche. People tell me to ignore them, but you can only do that so many times. If I express any anger, they just laugh.

I feel like I'm in freefall with no parachute. Is there a point to this any more? Is life REALLY going to be any better? Right now I hate myself and I hate my life.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    I've met you before! I met you on the Coffee Junkies Team! And I'm seeing people here whom I've seen on other teams. Oooh, I think there are some of us who have similar problems and turn up on similar teams.

    Dear Irish Lady, I do understand how it feels to feel beaten down and totally worthless. And I do understand how it feels to wonder if it will ever get better. Been there, done that, got several T-shirts.

    Right now it sucks. But it ain't over till it's over. I'd like to add my support to others who are giving you support.
    emoticon emoticon
    1589 days ago
    I can't add more to what has already been said, but I can add my love and prayers. I'm sending you some virtual emoticon to let you know I care.
    1590 days ago
    1591 days ago
    Tough love here only because I see something special in you. God helps those that help themselves. If you join a church and get some love or join a meetup group for cooking that you enjoy you will feel better. In psychology they say if you always feel sorry for yourself it's because you are getting some kind of payoff for it that you enjoy. Maybe you cry for help becuase you want to know who cares. Something to think about. I hope you feel better.
    1591 days ago
    1591 days ago
    Mary, you're scaring me. It sounds like you're ready to give up. Please, please call Arthur in the morning and tell him you need to see him ASAP. I know you've been under a lot of pressure for a long time, and you feel like you can't go on alone. There are so many of us who truly care for you, but cyber-friends are no substitute for flesh-and-blood humans. I wish I could come out there and kidnap you, spend the time it would take to convince you that you really are a wonderful, talented, warm and deserving lady. Since I can't, I'm begging you to talk to someone who can help you figure it all out. Please?
    1591 days ago
    Hi Mary,
    We love you....unconditionally...
    Maybe the feeling of free-falling is God telling you it's time to spread your wings. I don't know what's in store for you, but sometimes we have to take a chance and make a change.
    Just a thought...I remember one time that you wanted to help feed the homeless but couldn't do it physically--but now that you've got your mixer broken in, couldn't you bake some fresh bread or rolls and take them to a homeless shelter? Or cookies? Or cakes? It would be a way that you could contribute if you weren't able to actually dish up the food.
    You are so talented--I'm jealous!
    Take care of yourself, my friend.
    1592 days ago
  • .DUSTY.
    I've been reading your blogs for a very long time. I really feel that concentrating on the things you are able to change will help you tremendously.
    That's losing weight. You CAN do something about that. That alone will help you feel better and healthier and soon you'll be able to start getting out more, building your confidence to meet like minded people. You must know that there are others who share your similar views.

    Being at the weight you are now you are stuck / trapped with the same family, coworkers, social media people who continually put you down.

    Start now to get that weight off!

    I'm not saying it's easy but please start with what you CAN change and work from there.
    emoticon emoticon
    1592 days ago
  • MARUKI52
    I'm sorry that you are feeling this way. It might not help to say that we all feel this way at times in our lives but we do. There are many trials and tribulations in the course of one's life (I speak as a 70 yr old whose had plenty in her own life to contend with). We hit rock bottom time and again but somehow we find the strength we need to pick ourselves up and try again.

    You have a son who loves you and that is a very precious love. You owe it to yourself and to your son to take a deep breath and pick yourself up and have another go. One day, when you least expect it to happen, you will succeed. One day you will say a firm and definite "no" to those who use you. One day you will be true to yourself and in doing so find a happiness and contentment that is yours by right.

    Just hang on in there and believe you are loved and valued for the person you are.
    1592 days ago
    Call Arthur Immediately!!!!
    1592 days ago
    You are not alone with feeling this way. We all feel this at one time or another. Now you need to do the work to get into a new frame of mind. First rule out that there is nothing medically wrong with you. It may be a simple fix like needing vitamin D (seasonal affective disorder). Or your diet might not be including enough B vitamins. I once had a terrible crying spell for days then took a B 50 and suddenly stopped crying and was in a better mood. Next let go of people who are not positive and supportive. Sometimes we do so much that when we stop they get angry at us. You don't have to always be the giver and doer. Pamper yourself with a little kindness. You deserve it. And if you want to increase your sense of value - volunteer with handicapped children or with seniors. They will appreciate your time and effort. Good Luck! I hope this helped.
    1592 days ago
    Even if you are loved by one person fully your life is worth living.
    1592 days ago
    emoticon emoticon emoticon I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers in hope that you will STOP 'hating yourself and your life.' From the things you've told us about your boss, it really sounds to me like SHE has problems. One day she is praising you, and the next day she is 'chewing' you out. She is not a very good employer in my opinion. It sounds like she takes HER bad days out on YOU! There are a lot of people like her. They are very hard to get along with because you never know what 'mood' they are going to be in on any given day. One of my bosses is like that, and he USED to be like that with me, UNTIL I stood up to him, and refused to take his criticism that I did not deserve. Once I stopped accepting his criticism and had a comeback for him, he stopped 'dumping' stuff on me. Seems like he may even like me now. emoticon

    Stand up to these people who are ridiculing you. A lot of people will 'dish' it out to anyone who will take it. Don't be one of those people who will 'take it.' You are Mary, and more known to some as LI, a sweet, kind, and wonderful person whom we love here on Spark People. We appreciate your intellect, but it doesn't really matter to us about your tastes, your ethnicity, OR your weight! We love you for YOU, and we think YOU are pretty special.

    1592 days ago
  • LINDA!
    Unfortunately, I don't have an answer. As many say it could be the time of the year. It could be the job. But I would think that it is a combination of all of the above. I have been where you are. It is a very tough place when we feel that there is no one to support us.

    1592 days ago
    Just a few days ago someone on Spark who is a Christian told me I was murmuring an whining and she said the blog I had written on September the 12th. I went back and read it.
    I asked her to reread it to see if there was more murmuring or more thanksgiing.
    I asked her to forgive me if I offended her and God. She did answer back ad asked me to forgive her.
    Sometimes we have a really tough time. I have had a year of it and am still recuperating from total knee replacement, the second this year. I won't tell you everything that has happened. I am 85 and Rehab said I was a model patient as I was always ready to go for the rehab twice a day and did over and beyond what they asked me to do.
    The PT I have at home said I was a very brave woman to have two major surgeries in one year and a hip replacement a few years back.
    1592 days ago

    Comment edited on: 12/9/2013 11:41:07 PM
    When You're lonely,
    I wish you LOVE
    When you're sad,
    I wish you JOY
    When you're discouraged,
    I wish you HOPE
    When your spirit is low,
    I wish you BEAUTY
    When you're troubled,
    I wish you PEACE
    1592 days ago
    1592 days ago
  • BECKY0111
    It's normal to feel tired this time of year. The days are shorter and there is so much to do to prepare for the holidays. Hang in there and don't try to do everything. It's ok to say no.
    If you feel like a fat, useless blob, that is how people will treat you. You are smart and beautiful and useful so love and respect yourself.
    Things will get better. Do I need to come over and sing The Sun'll Come out Tomorrow? ♪ ♫

    1593 days ago
  • DELIA38961
    the best time to learn to fly is when you are free falling ...youre not alone on your feelings I feel like that a lot of time ... emoticon you have come too far to stop now emoticon
    1593 days ago
  • LIS193
    1593 days ago
    You are not alone in feeling this way. If people were REALLY honest 80% right here right now would say "This woman is talking about ME".

    So, no one can tell you here what the best thing is for you to do. You really haven't stated any options.

    So, you tell us. What is it that you CAN do to make your life more to your liking? Do you even want to? Of course you CAN. But then what would you do??? LOL

    Life isn't perfect for anyone. The one way we can improve our standing in life is to reach out to others in friendship and kindness. That's it. You CAN do that. It costs nothing. You don't have to change to do it. Opportunities abound, even here on Spark.
    1593 days ago
    I am so sorry your feeling this way and you have a right to, one thing is that I did not hear you say that you believe what these people are saying I hope you are not believing it.. because it is not true.. your a wonderful person and if all you can do is to believe in your self then that is all that matters. you are a beautiful wonderful person and until you start believing that then all those things you think people are saying about you will go in one ear and out the other and you will not even care.
    1593 days ago
    ((((HGUS)))) That's all I can say. Just (((((HUGS))))
    1593 days ago
    1593 days ago
    People are insecure and compensate by trying to level someone else's self esteem.
    It's become the ME generation, and a lot of folks feel entitled.
    But with all that...
    no one can treat you like a doormat without your permission.
    So appreciate who YOU are, Pamper yourself more,
    Give yourself credit. And brush off the critics.
    You are special and unique to this world and the only way things change
    is when you change the way you see the world emoticon
    1593 days ago
    all the best
    1593 days ago
  • PICKIE98
    Sounds like it is time to seek new friends...
    we do not have to be around people just because they are related to us. I have dumped lots of relatives,, or as I like to call them:leeches. I got sucked dry one too many times by each of them and friends.. Now I have different friends and no more blood-sucking.
    It is not easy to do, but well worth it.

    I was exactly like you,. could have written this blog for years,, then started to read things, like
    "Nobody can step on me unless I get down on the ground"

    If you do what you've always done, you'll get what you've always gotten.

    I have caller ID, insist on asking people what is so funny or if they have a problem with me.. most are intimidated when confronted..VERY TYPICAL OF BULLIES!!!

    I finally decided to just step back , make a list of what I wanted from people, then what I needed from them.. I then put names to those who could provide them for me,,if not, they got scratched off my list! Very easy..

    I also realized that I do not have to answer the door just because somebody is there..nor the phone.. I can say no while looking a person in the eye too!


    Good luck dear.
    1593 days ago
  • LVZ617
    I have been fighting to survive for over 60 years as well. It has taken a lot of long,hard work in therapy to where I am now. One of the things that has helped me has been to take different parts of myself - a warm. loving mother who can the scared, hurt child in her arms and comfort her. I thought my therapist was crazy the first time she mentioned this idea, but gradually I have learned to do some of that. Since I was never parented with unconditional love, it was a concept hard to grasp.

    When I have been really bad, I sometimes got through by telling myself that all I had to do for the next 5 minutes was breathe. Sometimes, it was just to put one foot in front of another. So, at this point, just keep breathing. Today is not a day to worry about losing weight or anything else - its just about surviving.

    This is also the time of year when the lack of sunlight affects a lot of people, with the shorter days and here in the northeast, the weather. I take 4,000 IU of Vit. D, and that helps. It may seem like a small thing, but if you have some in the house, try it.

    And last, if feeling this awful persists, it is time for professional help and perhaps medication. emoticon
    1593 days ago
    Hi Lady,

    I just came across your blog entry. It sounds like you are having a really hard time right now.

    You are a valuable person who is worthy of respect and love.

    Don't give up on yourself and your ability to make your life better and better.
    1593 days ago
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