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No more celebrating for me...

Monday, December 09, 2013

I have thought about writing this blog every day for the past few weeks, even have it on my "to do" list. But when it comes down to it, I just haven't had the patience and courage to put into words how bad I've been feeling.

For the past year, I have resisted temptations, gotten my depression under control and learned to listen to my body when it comes to food and exercise. But in the past two months, I have really been struggling. I have lost weight, even got out of the "obese" category for the first time in more than a decade, but the two weeks ago I gave in to a craving and I have not been able to really stop.

That's not entirely true, I could stop if I wanted to, but what if I don't want to? What if I am finding that my weight was a great way to hide from the world? What if I look back at when I was my heaviest and at least I knew my life was predictable? And now that I'm getting healthier, life is getting harder?

For months, I've been able to keep my "you can't do it" voice muted, but in the past few weeks, along with wicked strong cravings, that voice of self doubt is back. And then I give in to the cravings and the voice gets louder..."see I knew you couldn't do it." It's a terrible voice and I have the hardest time quieting it down again.

The worst over the past few weeks has been the depression by far. I am an emotional person, but I felt like I had been hit by a truck this time. It came literally from left field and I had been feeling so good! I think it has more to do with the change in the weather, not getting enough sun, etc. but that doesn't help me to treat it at all. I have not totally given in and spent a day or more in bed, but it has been a fight to get up and going each day. And I know that I'm not in the best of moods every day either. This has to be hard for the people around me, but I don't feel like I can really talk about these things at work, no matter how close I might think I am to someone. They just see the person I show them.

Last week my colleague was meeting with a student who had gained some weight over the past year and I was called in to talk with the student, show her a "success" story and when I finally left that office about 30 minutes later, I felt like such a fraud. I told her all the good things, the suggestions I had, etc. but I didn't tell her about the uncontrollable urge to eat pounds of chocolate at a time or to overindulge on a regular basis. I didn't tell her how much I would have given to have a soda that day, or how I was day dreaming about candy while talking with her about losing weight. I was so upset and frustrated with myself.

And it's the holidays, which means I am seeing family that I never see and they all have advice for me. I know it's coming from a good place, but I really want to tell them that they have no idea what will help me because I don't know. I don't know how I woke up one day last December, decided to get healthy and then just as quickly, the end of November shows up and I wake up one day ready to sabotage all of the hard work I've done.

But what if this is what it's like for me forever? Never being able to treat myself because it turns into crazy binge session? Always having to worry about what food will be available or when I will make my next batch of yogurt, which takes 24 hours to do and requires attention to exactly 24 to 25 hours of fermenting? I'm struggling right now to see the benefits of this life. I'm eating healthier than I have ever eaten and my stomach/digestive system are still not happy with me. Will that ever change?

I love working out with my trainer and doing 5k events, but during the week I seem to get "stuck" in my own mind, in my depression as of lately and it's incredibly frustrating. I know that I've seen a lot of success over the past months. I had lost 92 pounds, but then I put on seven again. I've come to terms with not losing 100 pounds in a year, although I'm disappoined, but I can really only blame myself. Self-sabotage has been a part of my story since for as long as I can remember. How do I combat it this time? Although even as I'm writing this, I am envisioning myself going the store tonight and stocking up on the candy I'll eat. And then I tell myself that I can't go to the store, but then I think, why not?

So, that's what has kept me away for the past couple months. I have had lots of great success, great experiences and completed a 10k event. But underneath the facade, I'm still the fat girl with self-esteem issues and when those issues come to the surface, I want to eat away my feelings. It is that simple and that complicated. So for the rest of 2013, I will reflect on where I've been, where I want to go and how to get there. I will start the 2014 year off right and will not get derailed over the holidays. Now I just have to really believe those statements and not put off starting til "tomorrow."

As always, thanks for reading/listening. Sorry for the depressing blog, but it is probably good for me to stop holding all of this in and see what other people have to say about what I've been going through.

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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Your blog is not that depressing.

    Thanks for sharing with us. You'll near that 100 pound weightloss goal soon enough!

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    100+ Pounds Team
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    1620 days ago
    emoticon It's definitely a hard journey. I've got a couple of friends who have also dropped large amounts of weight, and it hasn't "fixed" them. They've both had some time periods that for whatever reason have fallen off of the lifestyle for various periods of time this year. The important thing is that you're here, and you're trying to work your way though this. Just know that however you come to us, we're here for you and wishing you only the best.
    1622 days ago
    I struggle with this daily as well. I think I will always have this struggle. The good news is that I am in control of it. I need to learn portion control and that if some is good a lot is not better. (That means you tasty chocolate treats!) I know that my weight loss is a journey and there will be times where I take a little detour. I can always get back to where I was. You are stronger and smarter than where you were a year ago. You are a success...always remember that. 92 pounds is a great accomplishment.
    1622 days ago
    I can totally relate to all of this.
    I am sorry right now sucks! I think we all go through periods of disappointment with ourselves, with the process, with our results, with life in general... Sometimes loosing weight sucks because the whole world tells us if we are thinner life will be easier, we will feel better about ourselves, our health will improve dramatically. and sometimes and in someways that's true... but in other ways sometimes it's not and that just sucks, and is frustrating and a massive blow.
    Things will get easier again, there will be small victory's along to way, things worth celebrating, one good day, then another and then another. You have done SO well! it's good to take a break, and it will be good to get back to it.

    when I have taken a break for a week or two I try not to weigh myself for a good while afterwards. I get too discouraged when the scale is up, so I just commit to going back to eating healthy and wait a month or two to weigh myself. That way the next number I see tends to be lower, and rather then dwell on the gain, I can celebrate the loss. saves me a lot of discouragement!
    good luck on your journey! you are not alone!
    1622 days ago
    admitting you are struggling is half the battle and it took you some time to put all of this down. It isn't going to fix itself over night. Do you think that the fact that you didn't hit that 100 lb loss in a year was what put you over the edge? Or is the pressure of being a role model for weight loss too much?
    1623 days ago
    I used to be like you too and would deprive me of the foods that I craved but then I found that if I gave myself permission to have it that and only get stuff like dark chocolate then only let it melt slowly after a while I would not want it and would also get sick of it too. So give yourself permission to have it but in small amounts and savior it too
    1623 days ago
  • DALID414
    You are most definitely a success story and not a fraud. I thinking having those thoughts is a normal part of losing weight.
    I think about food ALL the time. I'll be eating breakfast and I'm thinking about lunch. I'll be at the gym and I'm thinking about dinner! There are SO many times when I yell out "I want to eat an entire chocolate cake!" Then I sit there trying to find a reason why and if eating a whole cake is really going to solve anything....
    It's not WHAT you think about, it's what you DO about it that counts.
    1623 days ago
    emoticon emoticon emoticon
    1623 days ago
    1623 days ago
    So many what ifs in this. You will reach 100 lbs gone. Don't worry that it hasn't happened in a year. So many people put a time frame on their weight loss, but I find that difficult. Of course, I don't want it to come off at a rate of 1 lb a month, but still! 92lbs in a year is nothing to sneeze at! You have accomplished great things. You can do it!
    1623 days ago
    1623 days ago
    I'm not going to say I understand when I have never been there.
    I think being honest with yourself is a good start. Trying to figure out why you do what you do and not depriving yourself completely of everything that is "bad" is always the right attitude.
    I have told people repeately that when you see people eating that you consider normal weight are they eating everything good all the time?
    The answer is no.
    Truthfully it is about figure out moderation and balance. emoticon
    1623 days ago
    I could so relate to your blog! My digestive system doesn't like the changes either. In fact I get literally sick at times from the changes to healthier foods. It won't be like this forever. Nothing stays the same forever! I did the same thing you did and had those same temptations and gave in to them. I took a break for the week I went on vacation. I did well that week. The week after, I fell on my face. I failed to get back on track. I had more excuses to eat poorly and not work out than I thought existed. I gained back most of the weight I lost and am having the hardest time recommitting to a healthy lifestyle! If I have learned anything it is - dont' quit! Keep checking in, keep tracking your food, keep tracking your exercise (or lack of exercise), keep blogging, stay connected to others! It will help you to stay in touch with your goals. We all get tired. We all have doubts. It's ok to not be perfect, but do the best you can to stay on track!

    You are doing amazing. You moved out of the obese category! You have lost almost 100 pounds. You are working out with a trainer and challenging yourself. You will get there. Take a deep breath, pat yourself on the back, give yourself a hug, and just put one foot in front of the other.

    Here's a hug and pat on the back from me! Love ya!

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
    1623 days ago
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