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No Rainbows Here!

Monday, December 02, 2013

This is not a sunshine and rainbows blog. This is a blog I wrote a few days ago about how I am feeling about my current situation when I wish there was someone to just listen... but I have no internet!

The last few months I have been really unhappy. I remember being unhappy before I joined the Y where I felt I belonged. At the Y there were a collective group of members and employees that were positive and supportive in everything you do. I have not had that kind of support and love in my life except when working at the Y.

Now being an employee at the Y isn’t part of my life and I need to find a way to move on. It is like I have to grieve the Y. In addition to that, I work for a different non-profit, where there is a negative work environment.

I am really struggling with working at this non-profit. They don’t say anything positive and complain all the time. When I came to this area, I was so excited for the opportunity to grow in a new community. Now, it seems so toxic. If they aren’t complaining, they are talking to each other from across the room disturbing everyone else’s work. If they aren’t doing that, they are picking on the newest, smallest gal (me). There have been complaints about what I wear when the ONE time I dress up, they are all up in my business when I am working, telling my boss I am not there enough and who knows what it will be next week.

This is just plain stressful. I try to plug in my headphones and ignore it. It. Does. Not. Help. I leave to do fund development (my job) in person and the entire time I am worried I am away from the desk too much or I am not doing enough while I am away.

So, now I am soaking in all this negatively, stress, and not liking who I am becoming. I thought I’d grow but I am not growing at all. I am going backwards. I haven’t learned anything new in my job. I haven’t been challenged. I have no friends in the area. It’s very lonely.

I break down at least once a week due to stress of work or money. My paycheck is paid at the 90’s poverty level so I can understand how it feels to be poverty. It’s not a proud moment but I am late on my bills and rent constantly. My landlord thinks I am a bad tenant, which my landlords always thought the best of me. I am supposed to get $5,500 towards loans at the end of my term (June). I don’t know if it is worth it anymore. This was supposed to be a good thing where I could grow personally and professionally. It hasn’t been.

I think I need to leave this job. Not because I have gained weight but because I am so unhappy and lonely. I am becoming a negative person. Before I was this happy, inspiring, positive person. Now, I don’t even want to be around me.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • GEORGE815
    Pray that everything works out for you!
    1630 days ago
  • _VALEO_
    Just going through that too. I know how hard and stressful the whole situation is. I sincerely wish you the best, and that you find soon your new Y NGO. emoticon
    1632 days ago
    If $5,500 is what is keeping you there, then I think you have your answer. You can get a job doing fund development almost anywhere that will pay you way more than that $5,500 plus poverty wages. You just need to promise yourself to pay that $5,500 to your loan plus whatever your regular payment is to make the switch worth it.
    1634 days ago
    Take a big breath, sweetie. The good news here is that you know what you do NOT want in your life, and with that information you can make changes. There are no easy answers here, you just have to find a way to decide if you can deal with this for a few more months to get that money, or if the cost to your heart and spirit would be just too much. There is NO shame in realizing this is not for you, and making a U-turn with your life. Unfortunately, nobody can decide for you what is best for your life, but we CAN and DO support and love you through it. I struggle every day with my own job that I don't like and that causes such incredible stress, so I feel some of what you are going through. Keep talking and getting this out; holding it in will be unhealthy for you. You'll know when it's time to make a change. Until then....hang in there!!

    1634 days ago
    I think you've got it right. You know what you want to do and need to do for your mental and physical health. Now to get that done is the next step.

    It's difficult to get something you want when you feel so down-trodden. But, YOU can show the world how to treat you with how you treat them. This job seems like a non-stop testing ground for your resolve. It may simply be too much to deal with and too heavy in the lessons. It's triggering your lack of confidence of who you want to be vs. who you no longer want to be. Right?
    1634 days ago
    Hmmm...I think you answered you own question @ the end of this blog. I'd agree with your assessment, my dear . . . I think you do need to leave so that you can, @ the very least, be happy.

    HUGS and wishing you peace.

    PS I know how hard it is. Right now Jason was laid off as of yesterday. Last paycheck. So, it's going to be a tough road to navigate. But, has to be done. So, batten down the hatches!
    1634 days ago
    It sounds like you do need to leave this job. I'm sorry it's not working out the way you planned. emoticon
    1635 days ago
    oh wow that really sucks! Do what is best for you!
    1635 days ago
    It's hard to remain upbeat when you work in an atmosphere that's negative. Is this some sort of internship which is why you get $ at the end of the school year? Is there a guidance counselor or someone that you can speak with? Doesn't sound as though you're doing much activity that isn't work related. If you can't get to a 'Y' perhaps getting involved with a tv workout would help. Exercise does help deal with stress and can divert your mind from negative thoughts to more positive ones. Find some time where you're doing something you enjoy. Worrying about work/your co-workers all the time is not healthy for you! You need healthy distractions.
    1635 days ago
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