Saturday, November 30, 2013

a comparison of what that means - you look into a mirror and clearly see YOU staring back, but in a split second - something or some one shatters the mirror and the shards destroy your image and all you see is unrecognizable fragments of what was once YOU.

we hear of this in multiple personality disorder - but i think it is very applicable to WEIGHT CHALLENGED persons - whether obese or anorexic.
this fragmentation pushes off course - you lose reason when it comes to FOOD and why you need it, what you eat, how you eat and your relationship to food .
that becomes such a distortion in your life. it permeates every thing you think about, and how you act.
have you ever been invited to a dinner out and for days prior WORRIED AND FUSSED about what you will wear, should you go, how will you eat or avoid eating ??
have you been in mixed company and felt 'i am being judged - how can i get away with not eating'? then when you get home you clean out the fridge cause you are anxiety ridden, very angry and feel you have to make up for what you missed out on?
THEN you have fragmentation of the mind - because you know this behavior does not make sense in the logical aspect of your life.
for years i adhered to my mantra '' I AM ONE WITHIN' which met my mind, body and spirit were on the same page. i did not let outside interference derail me.
i had a job - i felt useful - i had children - i had a purpose to my life. i was proud of myself, and as a result i shed 56 pounds and kept it off for over 12 years.
then life changed - abusive husband which escalated - kids out of the house my least favorite word in the world 'IMPOSED RETIREMENT' and unable to get rehired.
my own physical frailties along with caring for an aging mentally ill person.
suddenly - i looked into that mirror - i don't know who i am - i don't know if i can become a satisfactory replacement .
it is true words can be powerful vehicles - but so much can encroach on your mind - i cannot find the 'quiet' to HEAR my own words. the inner peace is difficult to find again.
my animals certainly are a vehicle to getting closer to that. mother nature can help me as well -

never let the little enjoyments you love disappear - i used to do art, i still love fashion - and although i know you can never go back - the past is gone, i look to the days before and TRY TO CHERRY PICK the best .

i pray that the cohesion i seek can put me together again and that i can shake hands again with my authentic self.
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  • TRAMA534
    Your blog touched me. I too was trying to go back to what I once did (job) and was invited back and then I was rejected in a very unprofessional way. I was down for a long LONG time. It really hurt. I just could not get past the fact that I was not wanted anymore, when over the years I was convinced that I was.... The past is the past and I must accept that and know that it will never be the same again. Now I must find a new way to make myself feel important and special and successful. There are so many choices and so far I have chosen to focus on only ME!!! I love reading your blogs and look forward to reading your next one! emoticon
    1932 days ago
    emoticon may you find peace
    1934 days ago
  • EILEEN828
    I think a good thing to realize and remember is that some of the things that have happened to you are a normal part of aging and going through life changes. You feel a loss of identity because your circumstances have changed and therefore so has the way you must conduct your life. I'm going through this as well and it really is disconcerting to not be able to follow your old habits. I think a lot of self pride comes from how well you've trained yourself to function, and suddenly all those landmarks are gone. You've taken on new roles that you're not familiar with or that you dislike. Built-in pats on the back are no longer there, it becomes difficult to judge how effective you are and so you feel the sensation of being cut adrift. It's a rebirth that you thought you were long past ever doing again. Surprise! So give yourself some credit. Try evaluating yourself through the eyes you would use if you were talking about someone else, you'd most likely be far more generous. Look at this as being an opportunity to reinvent yourself. True you'll not be able to do everything you want, nobody ever really does. But you can certainly have more control of doing things your way. Pull out those dusty old dreams and see if you can renew them. Do they need changing? That would not be surprising but only think of that as a natural progression that would have happened any way. Start rewarding yourself immediately. As for that abusive husband (I'm assuming it's mental and verbal), it help's to start calling him on it. Point out to him exactly what he is doing and just how ridiculous it is and the that the more he behaves that way the less you can take him seriously because he's acting like a child. Don't be afraid to assert your rights. Practice will help, keep working it. I don't wish to say divorce him right away because I don't know your personal circumstances, but that is an option to review of course. Above all know that you are an intelligent woman, that is good and worthy of all good things. Things can start to feel settled as time moves on. Believe and become! Don't be surprised by the effectiveness of small rewards, they do make yourself feel much better. emoticon
    1935 days ago
    Very nice blog , So well written and thoughtful !I want to read it again later to absorb it more ! I used to love art also and also had a mentally abusive husband, I know I cant go back and be who I was when I was young but you know what ,although she was slimmer and prettier then the me I am now , she was a lot more insecure and gullible ! Viva la femmes âgées( older women) emoticon . I plan to life the best part of my life now and finally feel good about myself ! I adored your thoughts :)
    1935 days ago
    emoticon emoticon what a revelation for you - thanks for sharing

    1935 days ago
    Such a deep, thought provoking blog ! emoticon

    How many of the thoughts & memories of your actions triggered my own recollections of the same thoughts & behaviors. I AM an emotional eater. Food is my drug of choice, my companion & comforter. Everyday I strive to regain the control I am supposed to have & learn a healthy way to deal with life.

    When I was reading your blog I was thinking this woman is FAR from done. Just the way you expressed yourself here shows what a strong mind you have & have the gift of written word.

    Yes, we have made choices that have affected us deeply, but everyday is a CHOICE to follow this same path or to find the spirit of who were were & ARE & divert taking that first brave step towards finding ourselves again. We CANNOT depend on others to make us happy.They WILL fail us. We must value ourselves enough to pursue our happiness.

    Thank you for being so transparent in your thoughts & making me ponder my own choices.

    You are valued here emoticon emoticon
    1935 days ago
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