FRAGMENTATION OF THE MIND!!!!
Saturday, November 30, 2013
a comparison of what that means - you look into a mirror and clearly see YOU staring back, but in a split second - something or some one shatters the mirror and the shards destroy your image and all you see is unrecognizable fragments of what was once YOU.
we hear of this in multiple personality disorder - but i think it is very applicable to WEIGHT CHALLENGED persons - whether obese or anorexic.
this fragmentation pushes off course - you lose reason when it comes to FOOD and why you need it, what you eat, how you eat and your relationship to food .
that becomes such a distortion in your life. it permeates every thing you think about, and how you act.
have you ever been invited to a dinner out and for days prior WORRIED AND FUSSED about what you will wear, should you go, how will you eat or avoid eating ??
have you been in mixed company and felt 'i am being judged - how can i get away with not eating'? then when you get home you clean out the fridge cause you are anxiety ridden, very angry and feel you have to make up for what you missed out on?
THEN you have fragmentation of the mind - because you know this behavior does not make sense in the logical aspect of your life.
for years i adhered to my mantra '' I AM ONE WITHIN' which met my mind, body and spirit were on the same page. i did not let outside interference derail me.
i had a job - i felt useful - i had children - i had a purpose to my life. i was proud of myself, and as a result i shed 56 pounds and kept it off for over 12 years.
then life changed - abusive husband which escalated - kids out of the house my least favorite word in the world 'IMPOSED RETIREMENT' and unable to get rehired.
my own physical frailties along with caring for an aging mentally ill person.
suddenly - i looked into that mirror - i don't know who i am - i don't know if i can become a satisfactory replacement .
it is true words can be powerful vehicles - but so much can encroach on your mind - i cannot find the 'quiet' to HEAR my own words. the inner peace is difficult to find again.
my animals certainly are a vehicle to getting closer to that. mother nature can help me as well -
never let the little enjoyments you love disappear - i used to do art, i still love fashion - and although i know you can never go back - the past is gone, i look to the days before and TRY TO CHERRY PICK the best .
i pray that the cohesion i seek can put me together again and that i can shake hands again with my authentic self.