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I just don't get it

Tuesday, November 26, 2013

I had an awesome run on Sunday

Since then, I haven't tracked my food. I haven't kept up with my water. I didn't do any exercise yesterday.

Today I'm struggling. That's no surprise. I wasn't able to sleep last night. The night before I couldn't wake up. Anyhow, I'm trying my best to wake up enough to go to work today.

I keep asking myself why I can't seem to do this. Seriously? It's because I won't do this. That's the reality.

When I lost the weight before, I had first switched to a gluten free diet. It was tough, but I did it. I also completely cut out diet coke and chocolate milk. Over night. Gone. Just water. It was a tough week of withdrawals, but I made it.

Now? My go to beverage is coffee. Double double. Drinking my calories. My excuse is that I'm tired and I need it for energy. Reality is if I drink more water, especially when I'm feeling tired, I won't be as tired. Plain and simple. I know it. I've done it. So why can't I seem to do it now?

I feel so trapped. Trapped by my anger. Okay, I'll say it. I'm angry. I'm angry that the only path I know to get healthy means giving up things I love. Comfort foods. Cheese. gluten free pasta. gluten free perogies. coffee. sugar. It's not just giving these things up. I believe in everything in moderation, so it's not giving them up at all really. Just using some self control and self regulation. And replacing the excessiveness of these items with freggies.

I don't know why that last sentence makes me feel so angry. Yes, I'm picky, but I can find freggies I like to eat. It's not that hard. With some work, I can even find salads I like to eat.

So why angry? Why resisting these changes? I just don't get it.

Yes, looking at the mountain is overwhelming. I know that. I need to look at what I can do right now. What is the right step. The problem is, I hate to feel its' a wasted step. If I don't stick with it, it feels wasted to me.

Maybe that's what's making me so angry. Feeling like I'm wasting my time. I have zero patience - especially with me.

I guess I'm silly enough to still wish just moving a little more will get me to goal. Or just making one right decision - exchanging one coffee for a water - will get me there. But looking at the whole mountain is keeping me from making any progress at all.

Maybe I need to go back to the basics of what I did before. I defined my goals clearly and put them down in writing. I defined the mountain I want to climb. Then I decided what small steps would get me there. I would work on a weekly "boulder". Every day I would outline what I wanted to do that day. Just that. If I did more, bonus. But I wanted to do AT LEAST that. If I couldn't do at least that, I would have to look at what was standing in my way to do it.

I can start before I define my mountain. I need to have an idea of what my mountain is, and the steps I need to take to climb it. I can start on those steps.

I know some of the steps:
move more - I have a body media, and a running training program. I need to find something for my cross training days, but for now I can go with what I have.
drink more water - I have my water bottles, and cooler. I can do this
eat more freggies - it's not that hard. Find at least two new salad recipes to try this week. Eat at least two pieces of fruit a day. Any fruit I want is good.
cut back on/cut out coffee - it's cold out. replace it with something else? Or just start by cutting back?
track everything I eat so I KNOW what I'm eating, not guessing - I have sparkpeople. I love the tracker here. I know how to use the tracker. I just have to get into the habit again.

Looks like I'm ready to do my small stone of the week blog.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    i definately get ya... i once lost weight- then quit smoking gained it back plus some..

    i'm scared to quit smoking [even though i MOSTLY want to- mostly lol] but i know once i do, the small progress i've made so far, is out the window. i feel pretty crabby about that kind of stuff all the time.

    just know ur not alone, and anger is a part of loss. you are losing things you love/want and sometimes it seems like it's not a very good- or fair - trade...

    lots of hugs emoticon
    1664 days ago
  • JUSTME29
    I have a mountain to climb angry as well. It's so hard to start, it's so hard to see the point of a tiny little pebble with an Everest size pile standing if front of you.
    1664 days ago
    emoticon emoticon You are worth it!
    1664 days ago
    I know where you're coming from! I've been down this road many times. I absolutely cannot stand vegetables, salads, or even most fruits. It is very difficult to eat healthy when you do not like these things. I have found that not forcing myself to eat them and just eating more lean meats and grains works better for me, because the vegetables just don't get rid of my appetite because they are gross lol! Keep trying! emoticon
    1664 days ago
    emoticon blog!

    emoticon You're not alone in this place! I've been there and I bet you get many, many comments from others who have and can relate.

    emoticon Good for you for telling it like it is for you!

    emoticon The ugly little secret about weight loss and health is that it IS hard work. It takes hard work and determination. Sometimes it's easy, many times it's not. Those icky, yucky, just do it times. Not that it's all that easy to "just do it!" My food is okay right now but I'm fighting exercise.

    emoticon The good news is that with time healthy eating becomes the norm and tastes good. At least in my experience. Gradual changes lead to big changes. It's good not to try to change too fast. Maybe improve a comfort food recipe... and portion control iit with lots of freggies. Find one thing for distressing or comfort instead of food and add to it. You WILL find your way!

    emoticon Also, The Beck Diet Solution: How to Think Like a Thin Person gave me wonderful tools for dealing with those sabotaging voices in my head. Come visit the Beck Diet team. (It's not a diet, it's a mind training program.)

    emoticon There are other ways to handle anger besides eating potato chips or other crunchy stuff. Chop wood, brisk walk, scrub the floors... or?

    emoticon Wishing you the best!
    1664 days ago
    You really sound like you have a solid plan to get on track. Defining your goals, knowing where your weak points are, and making a plan of attack. You know this so now you just need to get the ball rolling.

    Small goals work best for me. I applaud you on cutting out diet coke cold turkey like that. I did it once before and now I'm back to slowly cutting it out of my life. I couldn't deal with the withdrawal this time around, but I'm finally down to one a day during the week. I just need to work on my weekend consumption!!

    Maybe you could replace your coffee with tea or soup. I personally don't like tea, but I've heard there's a flavor out there for just about everyone. It might be worth a shot? I've been trying to warm up all day and just had one of those "Soup on the Go" in a cup and it warmed me right up! Also, low on calories and a good way to get a serving of veggies depending on what type of soup you choose!

    I know you can do this. Now you need to trust that you can too and put your foot down to make the changes you KNOW you can achieve. Best of luck to you!!!
    1664 days ago

    Comment edited on: 11/26/2013 12:27:25 PM
    You are in a place where so many of have been

    I have just gotten back on track after being told I have diabetes. If you come to my lastest blog you will see what I am doing - taken it in small steps. I have set a goal of 5 pounds a month for weight loss - which means that December 2014 I will be 65 pounds less than I am now - no it will not get me to goal but sure puts a dent into the weight needed to lose.

    Just making small changes here and there help - I have given up lemonade and cravings are leaving as I have replaced it with water. Still don't drink enough water but do get in 2 bottles each day and working on getting in 3

    You can do it - set out your goals, break them down into something you can work on and then just today do what you need to do

    1664 days ago
    I am an 'all or nothing' person. One thing at a time is making a difference for me. I have a LONG way to go: I need to lose at least 100, 120 would be much better. I started with the exercise, then added tracking. I want this to be the last time I lose weight, so I am taking my time. I know where I want to be, but if I jump in with both feet, I will get overwhelmed. I still enjoy one coffee a day, but I plan for it.
    Good luck. I hope you can see the light at the end of the tunnel. Just take one step at a time and keep moving forward. emoticon
    1665 days ago
    I get very angry at myself (ate wrong, drank too much, didn't do ANY exercise) - I try to use the anger to DO something - be it a walk - or some running- or clean something angrily.

    Usually I can get the anger out and have done a little something for me in the process. I found cardio is best for me - I listen to angry music (like hard rock or something screaming) and walk 'hard' or run fast until i can't any more or I don't feel bad any longer.

    I hope this might help a little....
    1665 days ago
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