Friday, November 22, 2013
You know, what seemed so easy the last time is proving to be SO tough this time. I have tried to start a new exercise streak three times and have failed miserably each time and I don't know what the issue is. I DO want to get healthier. I DO want to lose weight. I DO want to have a good doctor visit and I have very little time before that happens. I know that exercise is a major component in this change. I have, for the most part, eaten well but it can always be improved upon. I worked out Monday and Tuesday and just couldn't get myself into my workout clothes and into the basement after that. I did walk at work both Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday because I had meetings across campus but it definitely wasn't the same as a planned workout. And to be honest, it is the last thing I want to do. I just don't like exercise or enjoy it or "feel great" afterward or any of the other wonderful things people say about it. I hate it, dread it, and don't feel some great sense of accomplishment or satisfaction after it's done. I know I need to do it but I just don't want to. I keep saying I'll get up early and just get it over with but when the time comes to get up, I am tired and don't want to. When I get home, I bypass the workout clothes for the PJs and am done for the night.
Knowing that I need exercise and a good diet to improve my blood sugar numbers seems to have no effect on getting me to do the right things. I really want to get off the medicine and I definitely don't want to have to go to insulin but I seem unable to do what I know I need to do to change my life. I hate looking at what I see in the mirror. I'm not looking for any sympathy or pity and I hate writing a blog like this because that's what it sounds like but I honestly am just struggling with why I'm struggling like this. I know I didn't gain the weight overnight and that it isn't going to disappear that way either but it seems that so many people can just decide after an "aha moment" that they are going to start making changes and they do with far less consequence hanging over their heads, and I just can't understand what my blockage is. I've been reading the Spark and reviewing the Spark Cookbook and there are so many stories of people just deciding to eat right and they do and people just deciding they are going to start exercising and they do. I just can't figure out why I seem unable to "just decide" to do thses same things. I did a great spark of 62 days but didn't really lose any weight (frustrating) and I've started three times now to do a new 30 day streak and fail after a couple of days.
At this point I think I'm just asking for any insight my fellow sparkers might have for what seems to be standing in my way. I truly do know what I need to do but I just can't seem to get myself there no matter how determined I seem to be. I went through a created some fast break goals and some mid- and long-term goals and they all lasted until about mid-week. If it wasn't so pathetic I'd laugh.....