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Needing to start again

Friday, November 22, 2013

I've been gone from SP so long now, I have no idea how many of my sparkfriends are even still out there or will see this. I think part of the reason I've been away so long is feeling such a large amount of shame for losing my way so badly, and for so long....

I had been doing so well; sparking all the time, eating well, running and doing races, etc, until my hip injury. And I just felt so disappointed and deflated that I gave up. WAY up. I gained back all of the 30 lbs I'd lost (and then some), nearly reaching my highest weight again. In the past couple of months I've taken about 12 of them off again but really want to get back on track.

My biggest need is to find a way to not give up when I hit snags like a running injury. When I come across a hurdle, I think somewhere deep in my psyche I say, "Well, there you have it...the sign you just KNEW was coming...the one that says you are not good enough to do this and you don't deserve success and health, so you may as well just give up right now!" And so I do. And then I heap the guilt and shame on top of it, and it's a perfect recipe for failure.

I don't want to fail anymore though. I loved loved LOVED how good I felt when I was running and being healthy. I had energy and vitality. I felt accomplished. Nothing in my life has ever felt OR tasted as good as crossing that very first 5k finish line did.

So why is it so hard to get going again? And why do I give up at the first sign of hurdles?? Sigh. Those are the things I'm mulling over now, but at the same time, it's like an awesome therapist once told me, "Erika, sometimes you have to give up knowing the WHY behind won't always get the answer. But that doesn't mean you shouldn't keep trying to overcome the setbacks just b/c you don't always understand why you do the things you do." Yep. THAT.

So here I am. I have no idea how I will use SP this time around, whether I will track daily or spin the wheel or use the videos, message boards, teams, etc, or if I will just be here for the support component. In addition to needing to reconnect with lost Sparkfriends here b/c I need support badly, I also want to be back here to OFFER my support to others...b/c when I was doing that, when I was sharing my support and encouragement with others who needed it, I also found myself more willing to share it with myself. I heard my words to others and could apply them to myself.

So there you have it. I am back, in some fashion or another, the extent TBD :) But I have missed you all and your wonderful friendships, and I am sorry I walked away for as long as I did. And I just dearly, truly hope that some of you are still around and would like to catch up. B/c I have missed you all!!! :)

A quick update on regular stuff: Christer defended his thesis and got his degree. We moved to Rapid City almost a year ago and I'm working on forming a community here and finding my way. I'm not crazy about my job; really tired of customer service. So I'm thinking of going back to school for paralegal. Not sure yet. We love the area here; it is very beautiful in the Black Hills! I'm working more on my art and enjoying that as well.

Looking forward to catching up with you all!!


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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    1599 days ago
    You and me both. We'll climb right back up and beat this thing once and for all!
    1605 days ago
    1609 days ago
  • SPEEDY143
    emoticon glad to see you Sparking again emoticon emoticon

    In the last 3.5 years since joining SP I lost 73 pounds... kept if off for a year, gained back 20 and have re-lost 10 of that and I never left emoticon Its a lifestyle so I'm here for the rest of my life and lovin' every day emoticon

    emoticon Linda
    1611 days ago
    I haven't been sparking either, but that's because I've been too busy having babies lol! But I'm still here and still reading your blog (I've subscribed to alerts!), so keep posting. Best wishes for a great second start. Don't worry too much how/when to start, just start something so you're heading in the right direction. Then let it evolve into whatever you need to do/try next. All the best!
    1611 days ago
    I'm so glad you are back. I too have gained almost all of my weight back and dealing with the loathed plantar fasciitis. However, I read a blog from someone that had gone through a knee surgery and couldn't do much in the way of exercise, and she didn't use it as an excuse to gain weight or throw in the towel. She actually still lost over those 8 weeks even if it was a tenth of a pound here and there. Now that is some dedication...and I thought if she can do that so can I. This time for me is giving up the all or nothing thinking and getting right back on track that next meal. I also am not going to set a goal in time that I'm going to be done. I'm going to just take it one day at a time. Before I became so absolutely discouraged every time that date would come and I hadn't made as much progress as I had wanted. Now I want to celebrate the progress that I make each day...striving to make as much progress as I can by say New Year's Day...which is in 39 days. The way I did it before ultimately didn't work for this time I'm changing it up. I want to figure out what it's going to take for me to desire to live healthfully for the rest of my life, not for just this year or the next. Anyway, some food for thought and I was so thrilled when I looked at my email and you had liked something on my activity feed. And said to myself....that's awesome she's back! Way to go having the courage to admit where you are at!
    1611 days ago
  • GYPSY145
    So proud of you, daughter of mine. Ever since you were a little girl you have always kept plugging along. I am so happy that you are on here again. I missed all the insight you impart to all of us in your blogs. It also makes it seem like we're not so far apart. Get ready for some butt kickin' , I will be ready for mine, but hopefully we won't need to do it to often.
    1611 days ago
    HI!!!! welcome back!! I know I left for quite some time, and i really missed it and came back a couple months ago to get help starting over again, myself!! I'm happy to see you!! I started back up over, and you can TOO! I missed how great I felt the last years before. You can read some of my blogs to see how much the fact that having had so much success before and losing that really made me struggle to stay on track this time, like, I felt guilty and discouraged.
    Anyway, again, so happy to see you, and I can't wait to see some regular stuff from you, whatever form that may take! CONGRATS on taking the first steps on this new part of your journey!!
    1611 days ago

    There is no shame on hitting that reset button. We all have to do that sometimes. I am glad to see you back and will be here to support you as you continue on your journey.

    By the way.... I LOVE the black hills! I am from Minnesota and we took the family on a trip there over the summer. I have never been to South Dakota and was amazed at the beauty. You truly live in a amazing place! Can't wait to visit there again!
    1611 days ago
    emoticon emoticon emoticon

    Like you said, stop focusing on the whys and just get back to basics: water, 10 minutes of fitness a day and 5 servings of veggies/fruits. And focus on how great you felt when you were doing that.

    You can do this!
    1612 days ago
    emoticon emoticon
    1612 days ago
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