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Thursday, November 21, 2013

So I haven’t blogged in what feels like forever! Things have been nutty…or at least it feels as though it’s been nutty. When I try to think about what actually has been going on, it seems like most of the crazy has been in my mind.

First off, things at home have been ok. My daughter’s schedule since starting middle school has been way hectic. She wants to be involved in so much but it requires her to be at school early and late most days of the week so it’s been very hard for me to keep a consistent schedule. Her school is literally 5 minutes from my job so that’s not so much a big deal as it is an investment in her (and also by default my) time. I think next year we will have to make an agreement about how this will play out in terms of priorities and scheduling. I didn’t want to limit her but now I’m thinking it’s necessary for my sanity. She’s been slipping on her responsibilities around the home too. I can overlook some of that but I think it’s important to teach her that these things are just as necessary as extracurricular activities in school.

Also, she has asked me for a hamster for years now. This year I finally told her that if she got all A’s she could have one. We went to three different pet stores around town to find a baby girl hamster. Wouldn’t you know it that a week later, the darned thing had babies! I freaked out. I had always said I wouldn’t have rodents in my house, especially as pets, and now we have 9. Ugh. I have to admit that, now that the babies’ fur has grown and their eyes have opened, they are cute little buggers but we need to find homes ASAP. If anyone near Lexington KY wants a free baby hamster, let me know. The pet stores we’ve talked to won’t take them. I don’t want to have to put an advertisement on Craigslist just yet because it will make me sad to think they could end up as snake food for someone but I just can’t do 9 hamsters! Lesson definitely learned on this. Don’t buy girl hamsters that you don’t know where they’ve been, lol.

In other news, I went to the orthopedist this morning. I was cleared to do exercise on the elliptical and for walking as exercise. She said that at the first appearance of pain, I need to stop. I have to go back in a month and she said if all goes well, she’ll let me jog again! I’ve basically yo-yo’d between 192 and 202 for the last three weeks---if I eat anything very high carb or from a restaurant for more than one meal in a row, I go way up and it takes me a week to get it back down to 192-ish. It’s remarkable! I’ve learned that maintenance may be more difficult than weight loss, when I get to that stage of the game, and that exercise is definitely crucial. When I exercise, my yo-yoing isn’t nearly as drastic.

Related to my eating situation, my triggers for eating less than ideally have been going off repeatedly the last couple of weeks. Basically, to make a horrible story short, my dad and his wife (who is considered my daughter’s closest grandmother) are getting a divorce because he has been carrying on an affair for months. The extent of family destruction and emotional devastation from this is pretty overwhelming—I still haven’t even told my daughter. We found out about it because my grandmother (my father’s mom) showed up at a funeral and my dad’s wife’s sister told her. My dad hadn’t told any of his family about this and it had been “known” by everyone else since September. My poor grandmother could barely drive herself home she was so upset. My father has basically been incommunicado. I’ve left messages for him and he won’t call me back—which isn’t necessarily uncharacteristic. My dad wasn’t really around when I was younger and we only got semi-close when I was a young adult. I can tolerate people falling out of love—though I do believe there is an element of choice involved. What I will never condone is complete betrayal, deceit and abandonment. There’s no reason for it and it shows utter lack of respect and regard for others. It’s selfish. Why can’t you just keep your pants on, end a relationship respectfully, and then go indulge your desires? Listening to my dad’s soon-to-be-ex-wife brought all my own past emotions flooding back (explained below). It really does a number on one’s self esteem and sense of trust. I can safely say I lost my mind when it happened to me and though she is showing a brave face, I can tell by things she says that she’s also in a zone of madness. When it happens to you, you really become lost. Your world crumbles and your sense of security dies.

This is all very trigger-y for me too since my divorce 5 years ago was caused by my husband having an affair and leaving me and my daughter. The devastation was compounded by the fact that the other woman was my “sister in law”---who was my sister’s partner/wife. I never saw it coming. It was under my nose for months, as well as my sister actually found out about it, didn’t tell me about it and agreed to keep it covered up for them for the last month of it. I haven’t spoken of this before here because most of the time not relevant and I have tried my best to move on from that horrible time in my life. But I think I need to speak of it because a lot of people on this site are in the predicament they are in because of not being able to cope with emotional trauma in a way that does not inflict self-harm. If I had to place a bet, I’d say a majority of the folks on this site are not obese simply because of aging or because they’ve had multiple children but because of poor mental/emotional processing. The healing isn’t the better low-cal food or exercise. The healing is from training your mind and having faith in your own strength. Bringing this back on point, I haven’t been making the best choices. Over the last two weeks I’ve looked at food and have had “the conversation” with myself about my choices, and how I don’t have to do this, how it’s not me, etc. etc. Then the food goes right on in my mouth. It’s a drug that never satisfies yet the search goes on for some sense of satisfaction or relief from more of it. Why? Because deep down there’s still some part of me that knows I am not worth any better. That’s the part that needs fixing. No amount of positive reinforcement from others will fix it, either.

Good news, I’m getting a grip. I’m back here. I’m able to exercise again (this makes me the happiest) and I can get my relief from tension by sweating again. The part about struggling with self worth---I think will go on the rest of my life.

Didn’t mean to end this blog on a downer. Really, I am more upbeat then this may seem!

Thanks, Spark Friends. I appreciate you so much.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Wow! I have so much to say but I'll try to contain it for public consumption. First of all -- welcome back! I have missed you! I am glad that despite the chaos going on around you, you've managed to heal. I am very sorry to hear about your family turmoil and trust me -- I know how draining that can be! If I were to start telling you even a part of my story, the Jerry Springer Show might call me ! lol Seriously though -- it has got to be even harder when you're raising a child and have to explain how grown-ups make stupid selfish mistakes - but it won't necessarily happen to her. One day we'll talk about this.....

    As for the hamsters -- I kind of laughed about that. I actually bought a pet rat years ago. (YES - a rat! They are much better pets than hamsters or gerbils!) After about a week, my husband said, "You are feeding that rat too much - it's getting fat already!" I told him that I was feeding it by the book.... Well, as you might have guessed -- 2 weeks later I had 7 rats! lol lol I was so excited actually! Ms City Slicker here had never seen anything born live before! You'd think I was giving birth myself! I took all but one back to the pet store and they were delighted to have them. I'm sorry you didn't have the same reception.

    I am so glad you found way back to us here though! God knows you were missed and are loved! There are many, many people who are here to listen and give you a big warm hug if you need it! If you find you can't sleep --- send up a flare... I've got lots of stories that could probably drive you into a coma -- never mind sleep! lol

    Welcome back! emoticon
    1824 days ago
    OMG, Holley!!! I know it doesn't change a mother-f*ckin' thing...but I love you so, Girl! What a tale. We all got 'em...but it doesn't make them any less easy to process. YOU are a tried and true SUPER HERO, BabyGirl! Hard to know when it happens, but you are EXACTLY where you are supposed to be now. I say that as a tried and true sista...been there, bought the t-shirt and buried that f*cker in a ditch...the t-shirt...not the partner... ;-)~~~

    We have work to do...but the good news is WE'RE DOING IT...right here...together. I love you and that's really all there is to say...

    As for the whore hamster you got...sorry...lolololol...that just cracked my ass up until I read the rest of the blog...had to get it out there....and it seemed as good a time as any?!?!

    lovelovelove F*CKING love you, HolleyBean!!!

    ase forgive the expletives...this was written after my own personal mid-afternoon pity party, followed by an 'all-alone' hippie hour ;-)~
    1824 days ago

    Comment edited on: 11/22/2013 5:16:22 PM
    Yah!! I am very happy about your progress with your leg, especially before the holidays. I am also glad you decided to let us in on all the emotional turmoil. It helps to share the hardships as everyone has a story. I think you are very correct with the number of people who use food as a coping mechanism. You are wise to see the harm in it and deal with it in a a healthier way. Sorry about all the scheduling problems with your daughter. It's tough when you work and you are the only one who is in charge of your daughters activities.
    I am sorry about your Dad and his poor judgement. I hope you can move away from all this and just live your life free of the emotional pain. You are a wonderful person who deserves to have a great life without all the drama.

    Glad you are back blogging and sharing your woes! emoticon emoticon
    1825 days ago
  • no profile photo SUEPERWOMAN

    Oh my, sweetie. Lots of drama in the family, huh? I'm so sorry for your losses and for your pain, I truly am. Life sure can be hard, and relationships even harder. I have zero tolerance for secrets and lies. My family invented the words.

    I did laugh about the hamster, joke's on you, right? We owned a few guinea pigs and loved them very much.

    Love you, doll, and when you feel as if you can't hang in there a second longer, reach out to someone. And let that someone be me, LOL.

    1825 days ago
  • NHES220
    Wow, so not much as been happening while you were away! So sorry for the betrayal you are feeling with your Dad. I just cannot imagine how you are feeling the memories it is resurfacing. And the hamsters, just crazy! Yes, kids want to be in every activity and you want to encourage them. But it is just you and your daughter and you need a life too. So this year she is being exposed to a lot of things, she should figure out what she likes and pick an area of focus for next year. That way you can both have some balance. Glad to hear you are getting cleared to exercise - take it slow! Good to hear from you again!

    1825 days ago
    I am so sorry for what is affecting you and your family. This situation has to bring up old wounds. I hate that you'll have to tell your daughter. So selfish of your dad. Sending big hugs, Laurel emoticon
    1825 days ago
  • KIMPY225
    9 babies! WoW!
    That is great you can do more exercise now!
    I am sorry there is some stress in your family. Keep your head high!
    1825 days ago
    Glad you are back.

    There are, unfortunately, a lot of stupid, selfish, mean spierited people out there. The numbers of people who aren't that way are greater, but virtually all of us will be impacted by one or more of these defective "people" in the course of our lives. Who knows what drives them in their behavior? Not even the shrinks can be certain and yes - it sure does undermine the sense of safety and security and faith in those around them. The trick (as I see it) is to recognize that the problem is theirs, not yours.

    Shouldn't the pet store have disclosed that the hamster was expecting? I think you should take the babies back and say, "Sorry, I only bought ONE and you sold me too many."

    Keep up the good work ! emoticon emoticon
    1825 days ago
    majorly life affecting there what you are dealing with, it does set us off, no doubt. it takes some time to rebound, and it sounds like you are getting back to balance. just hang in there. i have been in an emotionally bereft marriage for years now and have lost alot of self esteem over it. esp now that theres no physical going on either, im really at my wits end. my daughter can tell im unhappy, but to her im sure it just seems 'normal'. hes not a bad dad, and i know he loves her. but, overall im banking on the sacrifice of my personal happiness is worth it for her security. at least i had always wished my mom would have made those sacrifices for me. life is hard. marriage is harder.
    1825 days ago
    So glad you are back, but man, oh man, what you have been through! That is a LOT!!! I'm so sorry you are having to go through all of that! I'm always amazed by your strength, but now that I know more of your story, I'm even more amazed! Thank you for being so honest and sharing your life with us.
    1825 days ago
    Man, I'm sorry so much has been going on. My parents' marriage fell apart due to cheating as well, and there's nothing worse. :(
    1825 days ago
  • SUMMER2203
    i have been missing you lady! and so glad that you are back...and managing to maintain your sanity within this situation!!! don't be too hard on yourself about eating...what's done is done...but i bet that getting back into your routine (as much as possible) will make you feel a million times better! good luck!!!!!!
    1825 days ago
    Ummmmmmmmm wow. Wow! WOW! CRAZINESS IS RIGHT!!!!!!!!!!

    I just want to buy you a latte and give you a big hug! you need a moment! my goodness!

    If you are still managing to think about fitness and your health right now, you are a rockstar.

    I agree with you that it is important for kids to learn balance. It is tough, you want them to experience alot, but you want to prepare them for the "real world" too.

    (side note: hampsters freak me out, and the idea of baby hampsters is very scary!)

    And about the rest... My heart hurts for you. My dad had an affair when I was growing up and their stupid choices definitely affect you. It hurts but sometimes the best thing to do is to protect yourself and distance yourself from it. I've reached a civil arms length with my dad but you're in the thick of it with yours now and that is an extremely consuming and emotional place to be. Here for you if you need it girly, major hugs your way!!!!!!!!
    1825 days ago
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