Thursday, November 21, 2013
So I haven’t blogged in what feels like forever! Things have been nutty…or at least it feels as though it’s been nutty. When I try to think about what actually has been going on, it seems like most of the crazy has been in my mind.
First off, things at home have been ok. My daughter’s schedule since starting middle school has been way hectic. She wants to be involved in so much but it requires her to be at school early and late most days of the week so it’s been very hard for me to keep a consistent schedule. Her school is literally 5 minutes from my job so that’s not so much a big deal as it is an investment in her (and also by default my) time. I think next year we will have to make an agreement about how this will play out in terms of priorities and scheduling. I didn’t want to limit her but now I’m thinking it’s necessary for my sanity. She’s been slipping on her responsibilities around the home too. I can overlook some of that but I think it’s important to teach her that these things are just as necessary as extracurricular activities in school.
Also, she has asked me for a hamster for years now. This year I finally told her that if she got all A’s she could have one. We went to three different pet stores around town to find a baby girl hamster. Wouldn’t you know it that a week later, the darned thing had babies! I freaked out. I had always said I wouldn’t have rodents in my house, especially as pets, and now we have 9. Ugh. I have to admit that, now that the babies’ fur has grown and their eyes have opened, they are cute little buggers but we need to find homes ASAP. If anyone near Lexington KY wants a free baby hamster, let me know. The pet stores we’ve talked to won’t take them. I don’t want to have to put an advertisement on Craigslist just yet because it will make me sad to think they could end up as snake food for someone but I just can’t do 9 hamsters! Lesson definitely learned on this. Don’t buy girl hamsters that you don’t know where they’ve been, lol.
In other news, I went to the orthopedist this morning. I was cleared to do exercise on the elliptical and for walking as exercise. She said that at the first appearance of pain, I need to stop. I have to go back in a month and she said if all goes well, she’ll let me jog again! I’ve basically yo-yo’d between 192 and 202 for the last three weeks---if I eat anything very high carb or from a restaurant for more than one meal in a row, I go way up and it takes me a week to get it back down to 192-ish. It’s remarkable! I’ve learned that maintenance may be more difficult than weight loss, when I get to that stage of the game, and that exercise is definitely crucial. When I exercise, my yo-yoing isn’t nearly as drastic.
Related to my eating situation, my triggers for eating less than ideally have been going off repeatedly the last couple of weeks. Basically, to make a horrible story short, my dad and his wife (who is considered my daughter’s closest grandmother) are getting a divorce because he has been carrying on an affair for months. The extent of family destruction and emotional devastation from this is pretty overwhelming—I still haven’t even told my daughter. We found out about it because my grandmother (my father’s mom) showed up at a funeral and my dad’s wife’s sister told her. My dad hadn’t told any of his family about this and it had been “known” by everyone else since September. My poor grandmother could barely drive herself home she was so upset. My father has basically been incommunicado. I’ve left messages for him and he won’t call me back—which isn’t necessarily uncharacteristic. My dad wasn’t really around when I was younger and we only got semi-close when I was a young adult. I can tolerate people falling out of love—though I do believe there is an element of choice involved. What I will never condone is complete betrayal, deceit and abandonment. There’s no reason for it and it shows utter lack of respect and regard for others. It’s selfish. Why can’t you just keep your pants on, end a relationship respectfully, and then go indulge your desires? Listening to my dad’s soon-to-be-ex-wife brought all my own past emotions flooding back (explained below). It really does a number on one’s self esteem and sense of trust. I can safely say I lost my mind when it happened to me and though she is showing a brave face, I can tell by things she says that she’s also in a zone of madness. When it happens to you, you really become lost. Your world crumbles and your sense of security dies.
This is all very trigger-y for me too since my divorce 5 years ago was caused by my husband having an affair and leaving me and my daughter. The devastation was compounded by the fact that the other woman was my “sister in law”---who was my sister’s partner/wife. I never saw it coming. It was under my nose for months, as well as my sister actually found out about it, didn’t tell me about it and agreed to keep it covered up for them for the last month of it. I haven’t spoken of this before here because most of the time not relevant and I have tried my best to move on from that horrible time in my life. But I think I need to speak of it because a lot of people on this site are in the predicament they are in because of not being able to cope with emotional trauma in a way that does not inflict self-harm. If I had to place a bet, I’d say a majority of the folks on this site are not obese simply because of aging or because they’ve had multiple children but because of poor mental/emotional processing. The healing isn’t the better low-cal food or exercise. The healing is from training your mind and having faith in your own strength. Bringing this back on point, I haven’t been making the best choices. Over the last two weeks I’ve looked at food and have had “the conversation” with myself about my choices, and how I don’t have to do this, how it’s not me, etc. etc. Then the food goes right on in my mouth. It’s a drug that never satisfies yet the search goes on for some sense of satisfaction or relief from more of it. Why? Because deep down there’s still some part of me that knows I am not worth any better. That’s the part that needs fixing. No amount of positive reinforcement from others will fix it, either.
Good news, I’m getting a grip. I’m back here. I’m able to exercise again (this makes me the happiest) and I can get my relief from tension by sweating again. The part about struggling with self worth---I think will go on the rest of my life.
Didn’t mean to end this blog on a downer. Really, I am more upbeat then this may seem!
Thanks, Spark Friends. I appreciate you so much.