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Thursday, November 21, 2013

President Obama and his top aides met with insurance company CEOs at the White House on Friday. So we've got politicians meeting with insurance salesmen. You know, if you throw in a couple of used car dealers, you have the trifecta of professional lying right there. -Jay Leno

It's Mickey Mouse Day today. He made his debut on this day in 1928. He's 88 years old. I always thought it's weird they sell those hats in Disneyland that look like mouse ears. It's grisly. It's like saying I love Mickey Mouse so much that I want to wear his scalp on my head. -Craig Ferguson

The Gettysburg Address is one of the better-known speeches of all mankind but at 272 words it was pretty short. It was supposed to be longer but what happened was Lincoln kept thanking people and the band played him off. -David Letterman

Miley Cyrus has a huge party in the works for her 21st birthday this weekend. You can tell she's excited because she's been wearing her birthday suit for the past 11 months. -Jimmy Fallon

Sometimes I sit for hours weighing the fine distinctions among the words spunk, pluck, nerve, chutzpah, gall and moxie. --George Carlin

A Photon checks into a hotel and the bellhop asks him if he has any luggage. The Photon replies, "No I'm traveling light."

I have a list I made when I was twelve of things I wanted to do before I die. embarrassing. Number One: Touch a boobie. --Drew Carey

According to a new study out of Harvard, it is easier for people to be moral in the morning. They say people are more moral at the beginning of the day, but they become more dishonest as the day goes on. So when people say Congress is as dishonest as the day is long, we now have scientific proof. -Jay Leno

Forbes magazine has named evil Russian President Vladimir Putin as the most powerful person in the world. Vladimir Putin, the most powerful person in the world. Number two: Kelly Ripa. -David Letterman

Today is one of my favorite days of the year — the day after daylights saving time ends. There is one negative. It marks the beginning of a four-month period of my clock on my microwave being an hour wrong. -Jimmy Kimmel

I just heard that the Kellogg’s cereal company is cutting 7 percent of its workforce because of low revenue. Or as one guy put it, “Not Grrreeat!” -Jimmy Fallon

You have to turn your clocks back this weekend. You might think you're gaining an hour, but trying to get the clock back on that nail actually makes you lose an hour. -David Letterman

Mike Tyson is a vegan. Apparently, vegans can't eat meat or dairy, but it's OK to occasionally nibble on Evander Holyfield's ear.
-Craig Ferguson

That same study also found that fruit has become the second most popular food in the U.S. The first most popular food in the U.S.? NOT fruit. -Jimmy Fallon
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