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Wednesday, November 20, 2013

Are you all getting ready for Thanksgiving? PETA says today's turkeys are so fat, they can't stand up, they're prone to heart attacks, and they have trouble mating. No, I'm sorry, that's what the turkeys are saying about us. I had it backward. -Jay Leno

It's another bad week for Rob Ford, the troubled mayor of Toronto. This week he said there may be more skeletons in his closet. More skeletons? I hope they're just old chicken wings he threw in there. -Craig Ferguson

The No. 1 movie in the world now is "Thor." It's all about a guy named Thor who saves the world with his giant hammer. He also has a medium-sized hammer he uses to tenderize veal. And he has a tiny hammer to test your reflexes. -David Letterman

Heinz ketchup announced that it will cut more than 1,300 jobs over the next eight months. They say they just don't have a lot of money left in their budget. Then people said, "Have you tried turning it upside down and letting it sit for a few minutes? -Jimmy Fallon

According to a study, they found common words used by happy people are, joy, love and hopeful. And they also found common words used by other people to describe happy people. Annoying, irritating, obnoxious... --Jay Leno

According to a new report, over a million Californians are losing their health insurance due to Obamacare. In fact, some are so angry they have already gone back to Mexico. -Jay Leno

The Canadian government has ruled its doctors are no longer allowed to prescribe heroin. Folks, I think the real story here is that until recently in Canada a doctor could give you heroin. -Conan O'Brien

Kim Kardashian was pulled over and arrested for speeding. You'd think the one fleeing would be Kanye West. -David Letterman

I turned 46 today. I had cookies, chocolate chip cookies, banana cream pie, lobster and crab roll, and a slice of cake all before 1:00 this afternoon. My co-workers attempted to murder me with desserts. -Jimmy Kimmel

President Obama paid tribute to America's oldest living veteran, 107-year-old Richard Overton. Overton credits his longevity to drinking whiskey and smoking cigars every day. Now there's a health plan we can all get behind. -Jay Leno

It's Sadie Hawkins Day. It is the day a woman can ask a man out for a date or a dance. Don't confuse Sadie Hawkins Day with Stephen Hawkins Day. That is when girls are allowed to ask guys about the basic principles of theoretical physics. -Craig Ferguson

It turns out that a lot of children could lose their dental insurance under Obamacare. So kids might not be able to go to the dentist. Parents were really upset, while kids said, 'Four more years! Four more years!' -Jimmy Fallon
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