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Tracey v 11.19.13

Tuesday, November 19, 2013

I opened up my sparkpeople account and found an overflowing inbox. The words of encouragement sprinkled with "are you ok? where are you?" were bittersweet. I'm at the point where I dont have the time or energy to write it all down. But in this past year my mom passed away, pretty much lost most of my family in the turmoil surrounding possessions and land...all insignificant things as I count my inheritance from my parents as something that can't be found in a patch of grass. It's my faith, my being... the best of my mother and father that live on in myself and my kids. In it all life has taken on a whole new meaning. Being a caregiver defined me for so long and the void seems cavernous at times. I've learned you have to fight for peace and sometimes the only peace is found in walking away...or hiding away. Sometimes I hide too well.

The good is found intertwined in it all. Unexpected hope that wont abandon me. Relentless friends who double as brothers and sisters in the best and worst of times. Kids that are now teenagers who not only don't give me a moments trouble, but work together each day to make "us" work. Also I'm loving my new job. Life as much as grief has been about navigating the idea of redefining "family"... finding that God fills the gap in amazing ways.

A few pounds here and there are gone, as the waves of grief subsides my drive to see my healthier life move forward grows stronger. So where I am is as much of a reminder that I'm thankful I'm not where I was. Healthy habits learned along the way have sustained me, I've found peace in countless long walks. I find stress relief in strength training or pounding away at the pavement. And yes I still cook and cook and cook and count it pretty good therapy.

In it all heartache is a reminder that I've loved. Pain, whether it's physical or even in grief is a screaming reminder that I am still alive. Now more than ever I'm so thankful I've loved and I'm alive.

and of course there's a song for it all.

"Oceans (Where Feet May Fail)"

You call me out upon the waters
The great unknown where feet may fail
And there I find You in the mystery
In oceans deep
My faith will stand

And I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine

Your grace abounds in deepest waters
Your sovereign hand
Will be my guide
Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me
You've never failed and You won't start now

So I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior

I will call upon Your Name
Keep my eyes above the waves
My soul will rest in Your embrace
I am Yours and You are mine
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Thank you so much Rame123, god bless you and yours too!
    1540 days ago
  • RAME123
    As I was looking through my SparkFriend list I found your blog again. Sorry for you loss this year and hope you find peace about the whole thing. Glad to hear you are walking. That is what I am doing.

    I am trying to help my daughters and myself loose weight. Walking and cooking healthy is the answer. It is easy to do while we are all off from school, I just hope I can keep it up when school gets back in session.

    May the Lord bless you during 2014!
    emoticon emoticon
    1573 days ago
    Thank you Kathy!
    1608 days ago
  • KATHY98665
    I am so sorry to hear you have had such losses this year. It can be a double tragedy when things unravel after someone dies. Been there...

    It sounds like you have a good perspective and a strong faith to get you though it. Stay strong. emoticon emoticon emoticon
    1613 days ago
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