Tuesday, November 19, 2013
I can't even look my parents in the eye. I am so ashamed about my eating and about their "jokes" about hiding food from me. That is what Tony said. He said it was just a joke, but he gently tried to say that I have a thing for provolone and he didn't want it to disappear. I can't even remember eating all his provolone. I must be in denial about my eating over the years. My mom looked at me like I was crazy when I denied eating their food.
I feel terrible. I have no will power in the evening. I can pray and plan in the beginning of the day, but after work, exhausting work, I just can't seem to make the right choices. I am so sick of whining about this! I can't stand to hear myself say the same things over and over. I hate crying about this same stupid thing which is my own damn fault.
I don't know what to do. I just don't. I do know that no matter how sick of hearing myself cry about this, that I need to find some way to get it under control because I can't keep gaining weight all my life and I can't eat terrible foods because I will die. My father died of an early heart attack (age 45). All this abstinence from sugar then loading up on sugar is going to make me diabetic. I know that I shouldn't be so hard on myself, but I also feel like I feel like I am trying to give up - that part of me is just trying to lose all willingness and just throw in the towel after all these steps back, and I can't let that happen. I need to keep doing this because it is closer to living.
I am just tired and sad and stressed out by tons of things to do, and I don't want to look at my life through this lens, but I feel very overwhelmed and alone.