Sunday, November 17, 2013

So I have been continuing to struggle with food, but I think that these struggles are giving way to some breakthroughs. Every day, I am going to try to pray for the willingness to eat for nourishment and health, and not for gluttony and self harm. Today, I ate healthy options, and for that, I'm pleased, even if it was above my caloric needs. This is a process, not a destination.

We conquered the Spartan race yesterday! Admittedly, I did probably about half of the obstacles, either in number of reps or actual attempts, but I am pretty proud of the ones that I accomplished. I was able to do the Hercules Hoist, climb over walls (with help getting down), Medicine Balls slams, Water jug farmer's walk, running through Fenway with sandbags, burpees, etc. I need to work on upper body strength to be able to do better next time. I missed the 2 min limit 500 meter row by 30 meters! My team was great and we all really supported each other. It felt good.

I was going to do a 5k this morning, but arrived too late to register. I imagine my soreness from the Spartan will come tomorrow, so I wanted to do another one now. I am in the process of signing up for another 5k in a couple of weeks to keep my motivated to exercise through the winter months. Hopefully I'll make time to snowboard, too.

I also need to make time to do my stepwork. I am committing to a step a day in an effort to be done with the sixth step by New Year's.

I need to do this stuff for my mental health. I have been saying that I need to go to therapy to spare my boyfriend from all these breakdowns I have, but he finally looked at me yesterday and said that I deserve it for me, not for anyone else. That I deserve to sort through the pain of my past and really find some relief from it all. In particular, I had a blowout with my mother, who recently gossiped about my eating disorder. I just feel betrayed by her, but that is her nature. She loves to gossip. I can't change her, not even with gentle communication because I tried to tell her how I felt, but she completely freaked out and said hurtful things. It isn't worth trying again.

I need to continue saving money so we can make a down payment on a house within the next six months. I need to organize my time for teaching. Eating better will only benefit these other priorities because I will have more energy. I have had such low energy since I started eating unmanageably and poorly again. Tomorrow, I am going to have a cleansing day, drink some detox tea, green tea, almonds and lara bar for breakfast, have a Subway salad for lunch (since I haven't gone grocery shopping) and some eggs for dinner. I will probably have to do the same thing the following day since I don't have time between both jobs to go grocery shopping. Unless, maybe, I drive home and run to the grocery store with a backpack. That might be a good way to double up a work out and shopping so I can make smart choices.

This is written in a way to help me sort through some things, so I'm sorry if you were confused by my stream of conscious!
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    emoticon on conquering the Spartan Race with OBSTACLES!!!

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    I agree with your boyfriend... You deserve to be at peace with your past and happy in your present and counseling will help. You have already taken the first step by admitting you need to "do this stuff for my mental health". The next steps will be a little lighter on your journey.

    You're on the right track hun just keep going!

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    1984 days ago
  • PJ2222
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    1984 days ago
    We are also saving for a house and know the stress of saving. To hell with it all and go on a walk! U need a reason? Do u have a dog? How about it will make u feel better? How about Do u know u can log it to eat more? I usually exercise so I can eat and not worry if I have enough calories left. I exercise 5 days a week because of my appetite and it really helps me loose..... emoticon
    1984 days ago
    You sound extremely accomplished to me - bravo g/f - small steps and hugre congratulations - don't put too much pressure on yourself - hugssss
    1984 days ago
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