Sunday, November 17, 2013
So I have been continuing to struggle with food, but I think that these struggles are giving way to some breakthroughs. Every day, I am going to try to pray for the willingness to eat for nourishment and health, and not for gluttony and self harm. Today, I ate healthy options, and for that, I'm pleased, even if it was above my caloric needs. This is a process, not a destination.
We conquered the Spartan race yesterday! Admittedly, I did probably about half of the obstacles, either in number of reps or actual attempts, but I am pretty proud of the ones that I accomplished. I was able to do the Hercules Hoist, climb over walls (with help getting down), Medicine Balls slams, Water jug farmer's walk, running through Fenway with sandbags, burpees, etc. I need to work on upper body strength to be able to do better next time. I missed the 2 min limit 500 meter row by 30 meters! My team was great and we all really supported each other. It felt good.
I was going to do a 5k this morning, but arrived too late to register. I imagine my soreness from the Spartan will come tomorrow, so I wanted to do another one now. I am in the process of signing up for another 5k in a couple of weeks to keep my motivated to exercise through the winter months. Hopefully I'll make time to snowboard, too.
I also need to make time to do my stepwork. I am committing to a step a day in an effort to be done with the sixth step by New Year's.
I need to do this stuff for my mental health. I have been saying that I need to go to therapy to spare my boyfriend from all these breakdowns I have, but he finally looked at me yesterday and said that I deserve it for me, not for anyone else. That I deserve to sort through the pain of my past and really find some relief from it all. In particular, I had a blowout with my mother, who recently gossiped about my eating disorder. I just feel betrayed by her, but that is her nature. She loves to gossip. I can't change her, not even with gentle communication because I tried to tell her how I felt, but she completely freaked out and said hurtful things. It isn't worth trying again.
I need to continue saving money so we can make a down payment on a house within the next six months. I need to organize my time for teaching. Eating better will only benefit these other priorities because I will have more energy. I have had such low energy since I started eating unmanageably and poorly again. Tomorrow, I am going to have a cleansing day, drink some detox tea, green tea, almonds and lara bar for breakfast, have a Subway salad for lunch (since I haven't gone grocery shopping) and some eggs for dinner. I will probably have to do the same thing the following day since I don't have time between both jobs to go grocery shopping. Unless, maybe, I drive home and run to the grocery store with a backpack. That might be a good way to double up a work out and shopping so I can make smart choices.
This is written in a way to help me sort through some things, so I'm sorry if you were confused by my stream of conscious!