Sunday, November 17, 2013
Well... if there was anything learned from the past couple weeks, it was this:
Paula decides to get back to the gym and start taking care of herself.
Paula starts to get happy and feel good about herself.
Paula ends up meeting someone.
Paula goes MIA.
This is a pattern and it has got to stop. I have been in a real funk the past couple weeks, not to say my latest adventure wasn't the most meaningful one I have had in a long time, because it was, but I'm back to where I started which is at the beginning. I've been unconsciously angry at myself for allowing it to happen again. I've also had 2 days off from work in the past 3 weeks so that doesn't help my mood at all either. Turns out I am quite sensitive to getting enough time to just "be".
I've been on a sleeping spree the past couple of days. 2+ hours naps during the day and 10-11 hours/night (not that I don't wake up) but it really is no wonder considering I've been eating like crap (really, really crappy), not drinking enough water, not exercising at all, spending every waking moment either working or doing homework or doing laundry or cleaning... and exactly zero time relaxing or taking care of me.
That has created a lot of anxiety for me, even more than normal. I know I have to do a life inventory and make a list of my priorities AND in what order I will attend to them. I know I have to make a commitment to myself to not allow this to happen again, where I am putting myself first and then someone else comes sweeping my attention away. I can't do the rollercoaster any more.
I'm up and down the same 5 to 10 pounds, so my goal is to lose 4.8 pounds and then renegotiate. I'm not happy where I am, and doing nothing isn't serving my mental health very well. My goal today is to not take a nap, instead keep myself up until a normal hour and then go to bed to get restful sleep. It doesn't help feeling less anxious when I wake up 4 or 5 times in the night.
So lots of thoughts this morning. 4 more weeks of school and I'll be officially half way done with my masters degree. I also get a break until the end of January. Can't come soon enough for my sanity!