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changing my mind

Saturday, November 16, 2013

i have realized that unless i change how i think about myself, and how i talk to myself, i will never find peace, nor will i win this battle.
it feels as if life is sort of like "groundhog day," in that i keep coming around to the same things over and over and over, until i get them right. for as far back as i can remember, i have felt fat. unlovely. unacceptable. a size 7, or 10, or even 14 isn't "fat." fluffy, maybe, emoticon but not the horror i see it as. i live on a dishonest level, where i say, it's ok if i don't get back down to my smallest size, or lowest weight. deep down, though, that IS my goal. i just don't let it see the light of day....where it can be scrutinized, and ultimately corrected.
when i was about 12, my mom bought a skirt for me, and she had me try it on. it was a size 3. i couldn't zip it up all the way. her comment: "god! you're a horse." logically, i know being a size 5 doesn't make you a horse, but that is etched in the depth of my self-image. we won't even talk about what being a size 28 meant! i think i've been trying to get down to that size ever since....like if i were a size 3, then i finally wouldn't be a horse. honestly, i'm not sure my SKELETON could even be a size three!!! so, it's time to get real.
i breezed past a size three, and i will never get there. anorexia couldn't accomplish it. that failure was the beginning of a decades-long battle i'm still fighting. i think the most destructive enemy is my desire to be a size 3. i need to put that emoticon to death.
so, i will diligently work my way back down to a size 10/12, and i will be re-training my thoughts along the way. i think the retraining will be much harder than the eating/exercise thing, but it will be so emoticon

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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Parents and siblings and friends, even your mate, don't realize how hurtful words can affect us for the rest of our lives. Todays sizing is so different than when I was a child, so I don't hold it to the past sizing. I just feel comfortable in whatever size I become, as long as I am feeling healthier along with it.
    1921 days ago
    I know my problems start in my head. I need to stay aware of that fact so that I can work on them and move forward every day. emoticon emoticon emoticon
    1921 days ago
    Isn't it funny how we take some of the things that our Mothers told us as true but not others?
    1922 days ago
    thanks for the encouragement. emoticon
    1922 days ago
  • AUNTB63
    I have a few horror stories when clothes shopping when I was a kid. What I do know that holding onto them would not make me a better person today. We need to learn to love the skin we are in no matter what size we are because changing sizes wouldn't make us love ourselves any more. I hope you succeed in getting rid of those unbearable thoughts of a size 3. I'm sure there are some people who as adults can wear a size 3 or 10, but most of us a destined to be 12 and 14's....and so what.
    When I got into a 12 I was shocked, but felt good about my body and the way I looked. Make healthy choices this weekend and be kind to yourself.
    1922 days ago
  • BEEJAY49
    I hope to be a 10/12 someday too, that's a good size for most of us and you CAN do it! :) HUGS!
    1922 days ago
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