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Tuesday, November 12, 2013

I've never been to a hotel with a rotating restaurant on top, but one time I took my girlfriend to a merry-go-round, and I gave her a burrito. -Mitch Hedberg

Some say the glass is half empty, some say the glass is half full, I say, are you going to drink that? --Lisa Claymen

I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it. --Deep Thoughts by Jack Handy

Members of 'Duck Dynasty' are releasing their own brands of wines. Wine experts are saying that it's red wine with varmints and white wine with critters. -Conan O'Brien

It costs me 65 bucks to fill up my car today. Remember when 65 bucks would buy you a large latte at Starbucks? -Jay Leno

A school in Tennessee is facing criticism for separating students with bad grades from students with good grades at lunch. That's crazy! You don't use grades to separate kids. Everyone knows that kids should be separated by clothes, looks, and how much money their parents make." -Jimmy Fallon

Some grocery stores refuse to sell eggs to teenagers on Halloween. Isn't that terrible? It makes me feel bad for well-behaved kids just looking to make an omelet. -Craig Ferguson

Here in California over the weekend, a woman gave birth in a Barnes & Noble bookstore. Apparently she did this in the New Releases section. -Conan O'Brien

Scientists from New Zealand have discovered a new species of dolphin. They say it's delicious. -Dave Letterman

I tried to log on to the Obamacare website today. I don't think I'm doing it right. I lost 300 bucks playing Texas Hold 'Em. -Jay Leno

A man in Oregon was arrested for growing marijuana after police used Google Earth to track him down. So if you're one of those crazy conspiracy theorists who thinks the government is watching you with satellites from space, you were right. -Jimmy Fallon

A new study shows that eating bacon can lower a man's chances of getting a woman pregnant. Scientists are calling it alarming. Men are calling it a win-win. -Conan O'Brien
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